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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Encroach On Her Hen Do

33 replies

Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 11:56

I'm one of 16 ladies in their 40's on a weekend hen do to Seville next month. My daughter A, will turn 19 on the Saturday I'm away, but had been okay with me going, as she will be starting uni and was going to celebrate with our family the weekend before, and go out with her friends the day of her birthday. However, A's plans have changed because 2 of the other girls will be at sports fixture the weekend of her birthday. She goes out with her best friend often and has been on holiday earlier this year with her. They get on well and are nice company.

I had this crazy idea that they could join us on a slightly later flight out, same hotel but obviously different room, and do their own thing - the hotel is in Plaza Nueva so there are lots of shops, bars, sightseeing, restaurants right on the doorstep.

Obviously, I would drop in on her to say Happy Birthday and get her a little gift, but I was thinking they'd eat together, not join us for meals as it's my friends Hen do after all, and although my daughter has given us lifts from places, they don't know her really well, and don't know her friend at all. I thought they could get same flight back as us though.

I asked my daughter in passing if she liked the sound of that, if it were possible. She said she really did, and that both she and her friend would be absolutely fine doing their own thing.

My question is, is a rude to ask Hen if A can kind of be there? Especially as it coincides with A's birthday? Do you think it's detracting from my friends special weekend by my daughter being there with her friend for her birthday? Am I being unreasonable to put my Hen Friend on the spot by asking?

OP posts:
Soonenough · 21/08/2025 11:58

I would be so annoyed if you tried to hijack my hen do . Your daughter is 19 , not 9 . Let her and her mate sort out their own holiday . Do not do this .

Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 21/08/2025 12:01

Yabu. It'll totally detract from the point of the trip.

OhDorWheresthesalad · 21/08/2025 12:01

Well anyone can go on holiday wherever they want, whenever they want, but I'd be a bit 🙄 if you got your child to tag along on the sidelines. The fact it's her birthday makes it more of a 'thing' than if she was just going away. I am sure everyone would be polite about it, but would be privately rolling their eyes.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/08/2025 12:01

I mean she is an adult so its not like you are going to be responsible for her but I would certainly raise an eyebrow. Can't you book them a trip somewhere else? If they are going to do their own thing and not encroach on your friends hen do then they don't need to be at the same place as you, if in reality you do plan to split your time then no I don't think thats fair on your friend at all.

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 12:03

Soonenough · 21/08/2025 11:58

I would be so annoyed if you tried to hijack my hen do . Your daughter is 19 , not 9 . Let her and her mate sort out their own holiday . Do not do this .

Yes I agree, the more I think about it. However much they are doing their own thing, they are still right there. I think it smacks of me trying to have it all, and making it about me and A, which is not on at all.

OP posts:
WinWhenTheyreSinging · 21/08/2025 12:03

Why on earth wouldn't they book for somewhere else - at least a different hotel, preferably a different city ...

I may be scarred by one friend who would do this with her daughter and we then wouldn't see sight nor sound of her, as she runs her life round her daughter. However, the fact that you would suggest this makes me wonder if you are similar.

indoorplantqueen · 21/08/2025 12:05

They’re 19. Why can’t they chose somewhere else to go?

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 12:05

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 21/08/2025 12:03

Why on earth wouldn't they book for somewhere else - at least a different hotel, preferably a different city ...

I may be scarred by one friend who would do this with her daughter and we then wouldn't see sight nor sound of her, as she runs her life round her daughter. However, the fact that you would suggest this makes me wonder if you are similar.

I'm glad I posted...I'm not even tempted now 😂

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 21/08/2025 12:07

Yes rude. Don’t

IntoTheFringe · 21/08/2025 12:07

Going against the grain I wouldn't mind at all. If your daughter and her friend really will do their own thing then I can't see how she would detract from the point of the trip. I guess it depends on the bride and if she is easy going or bridezilla!

It would be a shame for you to go away to the same place as your daughter and not spend any time with her beyond a quick happy birthday though. Could you extend your trip a little so you get a day or two to do things with her after the other hens have gone home?

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 12:08

indoorplantqueen · 21/08/2025 12:05

They’re 19. Why can’t they chose somewhere else to go?

They can, and will - I just wondered if it were possible but I agree it's not.

OP posts:
PizzaForBreakfast · 21/08/2025 12:08

I wouldn’t mind at all, what the hell

Darragon · 21/08/2025 12:08

I wouldn't want my adult daughter to see me the morning after a hen do. Enough said!

PollyBell · 21/08/2025 12:09

It wouldn't bother me at all personally but no way would I do this to someone else there is no need

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 12:10

IntoTheFringe · 21/08/2025 12:07

Going against the grain I wouldn't mind at all. If your daughter and her friend really will do their own thing then I can't see how she would detract from the point of the trip. I guess it depends on the bride and if she is easy going or bridezilla!

It would be a shame for you to go away to the same place as your daughter and not spend any time with her beyond a quick happy birthday though. Could you extend your trip a little so you get a day or two to do things with her after the other hens have gone home?

Thank you. It's a better idea but she'd be back at uni unfortunately. I think it's best not to risk it,...I don't want to complicate things for the hen.

OP posts:
PinkNosy · 21/08/2025 12:11

I'm not sure how you envision it working OP?

If you aren't really seeing her, because you're on the hen, it's like you are just shipping her out to be near you so you get to say hello on her birthday. But that doesn't sound like great fun for her? Seville is a fab city but there are probably more fun options for two 19 year olds.

And realistically that's not how it will work, because you'll want to spend time with her, so you'll end up leaving bits of the hen to spend time with her.

If I was the organising bridesmaid or bride I'd find this all very odd.

If you want to treat her, do it another weekend or give her some money to go away somewhere else with her mate.

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 12:11

Darragon · 21/08/2025 12:08

I wouldn't want my adult daughter to see me the morning after a hen do. Enough said!

😂Hahaha...We're all quite boring really 😂

OP posts:
Onleemoi · 21/08/2025 12:12

I’d be fine with this. Would probably want the original guests only to some meals/activities but the more the merrier during unplanned times.

IntoTheFringe · 21/08/2025 12:13

PizzaForBreakfast · 21/08/2025 12:08

I wouldn’t mind at all, what the hell

Thank goodness it's not just me. People are batshit when it comes to weddings.

Original poster
Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 12:13

PinkNosy · 21/08/2025 12:11

I'm not sure how you envision it working OP?

If you aren't really seeing her, because you're on the hen, it's like you are just shipping her out to be near you so you get to say hello on her birthday. But that doesn't sound like great fun for her? Seville is a fab city but there are probably more fun options for two 19 year olds.

And realistically that's not how it will work, because you'll want to spend time with her, so you'll end up leaving bits of the hen to spend time with her.

If I was the organising bridesmaid or bride I'd find this all very odd.

If you want to treat her, do it another weekend or give her some money to go away somewhere else with her mate.

Yeah...I'm pretty certain now it doesn't work for anyone, and it would be a balancing act, that would probably backfire.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 21/08/2025 12:14

WTF? No way. You can't invite other people onto someone's hen

IntoTheFringe · 21/08/2025 12:15

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/08/2025 12:14

WTF? No way. You can't invite other people onto someone's hen

That's not what she's doing.

IntoTheFringe · 21/08/2025 12:19

Charliesunnysky10 · 21/08/2025 12:13

Yeah...I'm pretty certain now it doesn't work for anyone, and it would be a balancing act, that would probably backfire.

Show quote history

I guess it depends on how the hen is organised. Some I've been on there is stuff sorted for the whole day - brunch, afternoon activity, evening meal, cocktails... so trying to fit in seeing someone else definitely wouldn't work. Others have been more relaxed with maybe something organised for afternoon/evening but people doing their own thing earlier on. In that case you might be able to have brunch or something with your daughter without missing out on any hen activities.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 21/08/2025 12:26

Soonenough · 21/08/2025 11:58

I would be so annoyed if you tried to hijack my hen do . Your daughter is 19 , not 9 . Let her and her mate sort out their own holiday . Do not do this .

This again and again.

lifeonthelane · 21/08/2025 12:31

This is bizarre. What's the point of her flying out to the same holiday as you but then not actually do anything together? She could just go on her own holiday with her friend. Or if they do hang around with you, I think that's pretty rude towards the hen party. She's 19, does it matter if you just call her on the actual day and do something together to celebrate once you're back?