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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Salary cut and more time working away?

39 replies

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 14:16

3 DCs, 5, 3 and 1. Currently DH and I both work full time, we earn almost identical salaries. It’s tough but we make it work with a cleaner, some family help, nursery, online shopping, hello fresh, paying for conveniences basically. DH doesn’t really work away at all so does his share of nursery/school runs, cooking etc.

DH isn’t super happy in his job. Neither am I in mine tbh but I understand the salary affords us a nice standard of living. He’s been offered a new one, but it’s quite a large salary cut (25%) and will have him working away from home 2-3 nights per week.

AIBU to say he can’t do both? A salary drop I could stomach but if he’s also away from home realistically we won’t be able to keep a cleaner etc and I don’t know how I’ll manage.

OP posts:
HuskyNew · 20/08/2025 14:21

Correct. A huge salary drop and working away is ridiculous

anitarielleliphe · 20/08/2025 14:31

The problem with giving ultimatums when two people's happiness is in the balance is that the party who "caves" to the ultimatum of the other will forever be resentful. If his own happiness and mental health are affected by a job then he may see this new offer as a solution to pull himself out of depression and unhappiness. Do you want to be the person that denies him that?

So, rather than tell him he cannot take the offer, you must present the problem you describe of "less income to pay for a housecleaner." But be warned, you will have a more successful conversation if you are very careful about your choice of words and try to isolate the problem from the cause (i.e. new job).

So, how you go about this is tell him that you support any decision he wants to make about his job but want to talk through the financial, logistical and schedule changes that may be affected.

Then, ask him to take the first stab at what could be affected. If he is the one to identify and voice the concern first then he cannot blame you for being negative about the offer.

Once the issues are identified and documented . . . (have a notepad out for this conversation), then you move to the solution-izing part of the conversation. And, if he fails to identify the issues, then that is where you do.

With solution-izing, again, give him the opportunity to take the first stab at things, but do come to the conversation with ideas. Do NOT place the burden all on him.

And to do so, you must reconsider your "black and white" viewpoint at the issue and solution. Right now, you assume (and it is a strong assumption nonetheless) that a reduction in his pay and two nights away will not allow you to have a cleaner and will place an extra burden on you.)

However, are there other household or personal expenses that can be reduced or eliminated that may allow you to keep the cleaner? For example, if you have several streaming services that are not a necessity, and perhaps, even more "his thing," maybe getting rid of these is a consideration. Perhaps, you both could make an adjustment, or maybe he needs to adjust his expenses more so since he will bringing less to the nest and will be away more frequently.

But this only addresses one half of the deficiency in your home life created by his job change. The other part is what happens because of his absence. Undoubtedly, taking on the sole child-rearing duties and transporting children here and there by yourself 3 nights a week will take its toll on you physically, emotionally, and mentally, if you are NOT given opportunities to rejuvenate mind, spirit and body.

So, part of this negotiation must be a frank discussion on this topic. He must be made to understand that he must take more of the childrearing tasks on when he is home to give you a break.

MiddleAgedDread · 20/08/2025 14:32

Hell no to that!!

adlitem · 20/08/2025 14:35

How unhappy is he? If it's very and you can manage I don't think it's up to you to "let" him or rather force him to stay in a job that makes him very unhappy. It's something to discuss and agree together.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/08/2025 14:35

I would tell him you think it is unreasonable to take a job which would involve him both bringing in less money and being less available at home because it increases the burden on you in terms of both paid and unpaid work.

Can't he keep looking for another job?

DeafLeppard · 20/08/2025 14:38

So you have to shoulder more of the housework and childcare as well as being responsible for the larger income? Yeah, that would be a hard no. It also commits you to your job for the foreseeable - if he’s taking an income drop, it means you can’t.

And tbh he shouldn’t need this pointing out to him…

K0OLA1D · 20/08/2025 14:38

It nearly destroyed my dp doing a job he hated.

I told him to pack it in. We lived off savings for a few months. He now has a job he loves, not much more than MW, but its growing and his wage will grow with it, plus he now also has his own business.

Yes we had to cut our cloth accordingly and make do without things we used to take forgranted, but it was worth getting my old DP back.

The travelling in your situation makes it harder though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/08/2025 14:39

Can you reframe it a bit? It’s not you trying to control whether he does this job or “stopping” him from taking it.

It’s him trying to impose on you more of the unpaid work (parenting solo and looking after the house) for 2-3 days/ nights a week, and removing some of the income that paid for the conveniences that cushioned your current busy lives.

So ask him what his proposal is to make sure this extra burden doesn’t fall on you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/08/2025 14:40

DeafLeppard · 20/08/2025 14:38

So you have to shoulder more of the housework and childcare as well as being responsible for the larger income? Yeah, that would be a hard no. It also commits you to your job for the foreseeable - if he’s taking an income drop, it means you can’t.

And tbh he shouldn’t need this pointing out to him…

he shouldn’t need this pointing out to him

This is true!

He should have come to you with a fully costed proposal!

Blanca87 · 20/08/2025 14:41

That would be a hard no.

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 14:41

A salary cut would be less issue, more time away would be less issue. It’s obviously the combination that presents challenges. It means I wouldn’t even be able to drop my hours to have more time to breathe! He’s been unhappy in his job for a while but hasn’t really applied for much. I don’t think there is much scope for salary growth in the new role either if I’m honest.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 20/08/2025 14:43

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 14:41

A salary cut would be less issue, more time away would be less issue. It’s obviously the combination that presents challenges. It means I wouldn’t even be able to drop my hours to have more time to breathe! He’s been unhappy in his job for a while but hasn’t really applied for much. I don’t think there is much scope for salary growth in the new role either if I’m honest.

Then the answer is no
being in a soul sucking job is rubbish but he can’t ditch it at your expense
if he hasn’t been applying for much he needs to up his game and have a plan in mind for salary and career progression that dovetails with yours

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 14:45

anitarielleliphe · 20/08/2025 14:31

The problem with giving ultimatums when two people's happiness is in the balance is that the party who "caves" to the ultimatum of the other will forever be resentful. If his own happiness and mental health are affected by a job then he may see this new offer as a solution to pull himself out of depression and unhappiness. Do you want to be the person that denies him that?

So, rather than tell him he cannot take the offer, you must present the problem you describe of "less income to pay for a housecleaner." But be warned, you will have a more successful conversation if you are very careful about your choice of words and try to isolate the problem from the cause (i.e. new job).

So, how you go about this is tell him that you support any decision he wants to make about his job but want to talk through the financial, logistical and schedule changes that may be affected.

Then, ask him to take the first stab at what could be affected. If he is the one to identify and voice the concern first then he cannot blame you for being negative about the offer.

Once the issues are identified and documented . . . (have a notepad out for this conversation), then you move to the solution-izing part of the conversation. And, if he fails to identify the issues, then that is where you do.

With solution-izing, again, give him the opportunity to take the first stab at things, but do come to the conversation with ideas. Do NOT place the burden all on him.

And to do so, you must reconsider your "black and white" viewpoint at the issue and solution. Right now, you assume (and it is a strong assumption nonetheless) that a reduction in his pay and two nights away will not allow you to have a cleaner and will place an extra burden on you.)

However, are there other household or personal expenses that can be reduced or eliminated that may allow you to keep the cleaner? For example, if you have several streaming services that are not a necessity, and perhaps, even more "his thing," maybe getting rid of these is a consideration. Perhaps, you both could make an adjustment, or maybe he needs to adjust his expenses more so since he will bringing less to the nest and will be away more frequently.

But this only addresses one half of the deficiency in your home life created by his job change. The other part is what happens because of his absence. Undoubtedly, taking on the sole child-rearing duties and transporting children here and there by yourself 3 nights a week will take its toll on you physically, emotionally, and mentally, if you are NOT given opportunities to rejuvenate mind, spirit and body.

So, part of this negotiation must be a frank discussion on this topic. He must be made to understand that he must take more of the childrearing tasks on when he is home to give you a break.

Was this written by AI? Or a man?!

OP posts:
Littleredgoat · 20/08/2025 15:01

I think you need to tell him there are three options. 1) he find a job and akes a paycut and doesn't do the nights away. 2) he finds a job and does the nights away but doesn't take a paycut, 3) he takes this job to give him breathing space but needs to start immediately and dedicatedly looking do something else.

Monster6 · 20/08/2025 15:02

Salary drop is one thing; nights away with kids this young will be very hard. Is really say no thanks, if it can be avoided. Something more suitable will come up

PurpleThistle7 · 20/08/2025 15:05

This would be an absolute no for me - and I'd be comfortable owning that decision. As you said, I'd be happy to consider more money & more complications or less money & fewer complications but adding both together seems like a terrible decision. Did he have any sort of actual plan for how this would work?

Your kids are really young so there's years ahead before it gets easier logistically too. I do whatever I could to support him in finding a different job, but this specific situation seems like a terrible idea.

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 15:22

K0OLA1D · 20/08/2025 14:38

It nearly destroyed my dp doing a job he hated.

I told him to pack it in. We lived off savings for a few months. He now has a job he loves, not much more than MW, but its growing and his wage will grow with it, plus he now also has his own business.

Yes we had to cut our cloth accordingly and make do without things we used to take forgranted, but it was worth getting my old DP back.

The travelling in your situation makes it harder though.

When you did this did you have DC as well? Before they came along I would have told him to go for it but I do think we owe it to the children not to be constantly worried about money, as well as reducing their time with DH.

OP posts:
DollopOfFun · 20/08/2025 15:26

Nope. The timing isn't right. It sucks, but that's life.
He needs to keep looking and applying for things that wouldn't be quite such a stretch on both money and resource.

Inertia · 20/08/2025 15:26

He needs to come up with solutions to the two problems that his choice of job will create.

noidea69 · 20/08/2025 15:29

Even if the salary was the same, being away 2-3 nights every week is pretty shit, never understand why any parent would want to do that.

RainbowBrighite · 20/08/2025 15:33

Salary I take the view we can always work it out- my dh has recently left a job.
However, he has picked up a lot for the family and I’ve worked more.
I would not be willing to consider working away 2-3 days unless we were in dire financial straights and there were no alternatives. That’s just opting out of family life if you have a choice!

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2025 15:38

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 14:45

Was this written by AI? Or a man?!

I'd say AI. There's more than a whiff of unreality in the vocabulary, sentence structure etc.

Icanttakethisanymore · 20/08/2025 15:40

Does he want to take it? Or is he undecided?

K0OLA1D · 20/08/2025 15:40

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 15:22

When you did this did you have DC as well? Before they came along I would have told him to go for it but I do think we owe it to the children not to be constantly worried about money, as well as reducing their time with DH.

We did. It was around 3/4 years ago now. They were about 7 and 9.

Neither of us have ever been very high earners, so I suppose we have less to lose. But his MH was really suffering.

CantHoldMeDown · 20/08/2025 15:42

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