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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Salary cut and more time working away?

39 replies

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 14:16

3 DCs, 5, 3 and 1. Currently DH and I both work full time, we earn almost identical salaries. It’s tough but we make it work with a cleaner, some family help, nursery, online shopping, hello fresh, paying for conveniences basically. DH doesn’t really work away at all so does his share of nursery/school runs, cooking etc.

DH isn’t super happy in his job. Neither am I in mine tbh but I understand the salary affords us a nice standard of living. He’s been offered a new one, but it’s quite a large salary cut (25%) and will have him working away from home 2-3 nights per week.

AIBU to say he can’t do both? A salary drop I could stomach but if he’s also away from home realistically we won’t be able to keep a cleaner etc and I don’t know how I’ll manage.

OP posts:
CantHoldMeDown · 20/08/2025 15:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

iamnotalemon · 20/08/2025 15:46

It sounds like this will put more pressure on you if anything (because of the time away).

ColdTofuSandwich · 20/08/2025 15:47

Could he go down to 4 days a week/reduced hours while he looks for something else? Then he can pick up more family work and give himself time to look for a new job

HiddenRiver · 20/08/2025 17:05

The money I could get behind and understand and support (as it’s awful being in a job you hate and life is too short and all that) but the time away when you have 3 under 5 - hell no! He will have to keep looking for another job I’m afraid.

dammit88 · 20/08/2025 17:09

anitarielleliphe · 20/08/2025 14:31

The problem with giving ultimatums when two people's happiness is in the balance is that the party who "caves" to the ultimatum of the other will forever be resentful. If his own happiness and mental health are affected by a job then he may see this new offer as a solution to pull himself out of depression and unhappiness. Do you want to be the person that denies him that?

So, rather than tell him he cannot take the offer, you must present the problem you describe of "less income to pay for a housecleaner." But be warned, you will have a more successful conversation if you are very careful about your choice of words and try to isolate the problem from the cause (i.e. new job).

So, how you go about this is tell him that you support any decision he wants to make about his job but want to talk through the financial, logistical and schedule changes that may be affected.

Then, ask him to take the first stab at what could be affected. If he is the one to identify and voice the concern first then he cannot blame you for being negative about the offer.

Once the issues are identified and documented . . . (have a notepad out for this conversation), then you move to the solution-izing part of the conversation. And, if he fails to identify the issues, then that is where you do.

With solution-izing, again, give him the opportunity to take the first stab at things, but do come to the conversation with ideas. Do NOT place the burden all on him.

And to do so, you must reconsider your "black and white" viewpoint at the issue and solution. Right now, you assume (and it is a strong assumption nonetheless) that a reduction in his pay and two nights away will not allow you to have a cleaner and will place an extra burden on you.)

However, are there other household or personal expenses that can be reduced or eliminated that may allow you to keep the cleaner? For example, if you have several streaming services that are not a necessity, and perhaps, even more "his thing," maybe getting rid of these is a consideration. Perhaps, you both could make an adjustment, or maybe he needs to adjust his expenses more so since he will bringing less to the nest and will be away more frequently.

But this only addresses one half of the deficiency in your home life created by his job change. The other part is what happens because of his absence. Undoubtedly, taking on the sole child-rearing duties and transporting children here and there by yourself 3 nights a week will take its toll on you physically, emotionally, and mentally, if you are NOT given opportunities to rejuvenate mind, spirit and body.

So, part of this negotiation must be a frank discussion on this topic. He must be made to understand that he must take more of the childrearing tasks on when he is home to give you a break.

I actually think this is great advice.

indoorplantqueen · 20/08/2025 17:12

I think it’s a sacrifice too much. I’d accept a salary drop (if we could afford it) but working away that amount would need to be a salary increase.

DoNotBiteTheirHeadsOff · 20/08/2025 17:13

Tricky, I’m leaving my job without another one to go to, I work in a really toxic environment and it is affecting my health and I’d say I was fairly robust. I’d let him make the decision he needs to tbh, support it and make changes.

For context I’m a single parent, higher rate tax payer, fair mortgage. I’ve got savings but my long term plan is to live somewhere cheaper/smaller and find a new role that will inevitably pay less.

Original poster
Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 17:20

DoNotBiteTheirHeadsOff · 20/08/2025 17:13

Tricky, I’m leaving my job without another one to go to, I work in a really toxic environment and it is affecting my health and I’d say I was fairly robust. I’d let him make the decision he needs to tbh, support it and make changes.

For context I’m a single parent, higher rate tax payer, fair mortgage. I’ve got savings but my long term plan is to live somewhere cheaper/smaller and find a new role that will inevitably pay less.

I think your scenario is quite different though as even as a single parent, when you quit your job you don’t place more parenting burden on anyone? In fact presumably it’s the opposite as you’ll have more time with your children.

OP posts:
RogerR4bbit · 20/08/2025 17:38

You could try saying to him that you’ve found a similar job, that’ll also have a pay cut and mean that you’re away a few nights out of every week and start the conversation from there.

How would it work for each of you. How would you each cope solo-parenting for half of the week. How would the finances work? Who would do the cleaning (& when?) if you can no longer afford the cleaner.

Make him see your point of view from putting him in your shoes and talking through the problems of having an absent parent and less income.

Whilst he’s stressed with his current job, he’s probably in the mindset of change=good, especially when the negatives of that change will only really affect you (you’ll be the one solo-parenting and probably picking up the cleaning etc), but if you put him in the scenario where change could equal bad for him, he may be more amenable to your view.

anitarielleliphe · 21/08/2025 02:34

Thedarknesss · 20/08/2025 14:45

Was this written by AI? Or a man?!

Show quote history

Since you have discovered my true nature . . . . the SkyNet Artificial Intelligence bot that masquerades as a human, I suppose there is no need to conceal my real plan. I have been posing for some time on Mumsnet to learn more about human weakness and frailty as a means to exploit your vulnerabilities, and any posts that seem helpful were merely a part of the ruse.

Okay, now seriously, just because someone uses diction and words you are unfamiliar with does not make them "artificial." I am a real person and I do not use AI. My writing and critical thinking skills were honed decades before it even existed.

Fearfulsaints · 21/08/2025 03:58

Is the 25% gross or net? Its just I dropped my salary and the way it was taxed meant I had more than expected at the end.

2-3 nights away will be tough and it will put a lot of extra work on you. 2 would be ok, but 3 tips the balance in my experience.

I think the cleaner/hello fresh etc are non negotiable for this to work for you so the net/gross thing comes into play there.

My dh took a job abroad for a few years when I had a 2 year old and a new born (initally). He also worked away regularly since he returned home. 2 nights was fine. I used to joke I got to watch my shows and eat what I wanted.

Cracklingsilverwear · 21/08/2025 05:53

Put the ball in his court.

ask him - if you take this job how is it going to work!?

I know it may sound crass - but he might not have even thought about the implications on you.

let him do some of the thinking and if it all comes down to ‘you can do xyz’ you then say ‘that doesn’t work for me’.

a reasoned conversation is needed.

as much as he wants to get away from a hated job - it is not fair to do that, at your expense.

Beammeupscotty2025 · 21/08/2025 06:23

This is him on the road to checking out on family life.

It feels like a no win situation.

Your DH is a selfish person to bring this on the family now.

Everydayimhuffling · 21/08/2025 07:34

I'd support him to find something else, but this is not the right job to jump into.

DP recently took a pay cut for a more enjoyable job with slightly more travel and some really good perks. It was really hard at the beginning with lots of travel and commuting coinciding with a very busy time at work for me, and some DC illness. It was worth it because we knew that difficult bit would only be a couple of months. It doesn't sound worth it in your DH's case.

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