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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tackling DD's father about food choices

47 replies

ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 14:10

Looking for advice/reassurance really...

DD is 15 and her father and I are separated. I wouldnt say he and i are friendly but we maintain an ok relationship for DD's sake.

DD has put on a lot of weight through high school. Shes generally a happy girl and has a good circle of friends so its something i've avoided making an issue of. We eat healthily at home but i know from comments she's made and things i've seen that when she's at her father's she is basically allowed free rein over what she eats. Her father is really not the cooking type so i know that we're talking fast food more often than not and DD has quite a sweet tooth.

As i say the weight is something i've tried to avoid making an issue of but the last year it's something that has got to the point i've become really concerned about.

I've tried to have a couple of gentle chats with her father about but he has been extremely dismissive about it and more or less suggested that I butt out of what happens when shes at his.

To me thats really crap parenting, regardless of our relationship we still need to work together on parenting.

I'm at a bit of a loss on what to do as a next step so anyone who has had experience of similar or can offer advice would be welcome (and i guess a bit of reassurance that i'm NBIU to be challenging this)

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 14:12

How often does she stay with him?

But at 15 Op, your ex takes very very limited responsibility for what she chooses to consume

noidea69 · 20/08/2025 14:12

At 15 you should also be speaking to her about her food choices if you think she is becoming over weight. She gets free rein at her dads, they she needs to be a bit more responsible for her own choices.

Lambtangine · 20/08/2025 14:13

She’s 15. How much influence do you think her father has?

Original poster
ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 14:28

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 14:12

How often does she stay with him?

But at 15 Op, your ex takes very very limited responsibility for what she chooses to consume

We work on a basis of 2 nights a week and every other weekend at his.

Appreciate that shes 15 and needs to make her own decisions and choices, but its him allowing (and paying for) this food.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 20/08/2025 14:28

You need to challenge it with her, not him

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 14:58

ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 14:28

We work on a basis of 2 nights a week and every other weekend at his.

Appreciate that shes 15 and needs to make her own decisions and choices, but its him allowing (and paying for) this food.

Show quote history

Well she needs to articulate to him her food preferences. And if it’s for fast food and junk, then the issue needs to be addressed with her OP.

Im afraid that the issue is your daughter and her food choices. You control at home. But outside of the home, she’s not making good food choices and that won’t just be at her father’s

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 14:59

How overweight is she?

Original poster
ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 15:09

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 14:58

Well she needs to articulate to him her food preferences. And if it’s for fast food and junk, then the issue needs to be addressed with her OP.

Im afraid that the issue is your daughter and her food choices. You control at home. But outside of the home, she’s not making good food choices and that won’t just be at her father’s

Show quote history

Yeah i do appreciate there's a serious conversation with her. I guess the frustration is a lack of support from him though.

i'd guess she's somewhere around 14-15 stone now, she's generally a size 16 or 36-inch waist in skirts/trousers.

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:12

ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 15:09

Yeah i do appreciate there's a serious conversation with her. I guess the frustration is a lack of support from him though.

i'd guess she's somewhere around 14-15 stone now, she's generally a size 16 or 36-inch waist in skirts/trousers.

Show quote history

Her height?

14/15 stone at 15… yes I’d be very very concerned In your shoes

I would be wondering how’s she’s binging because she almost certainly is.

Whats her movement level like? My teens have eaten a huge amount today BUT they were at swimming club for 2 hours this morning, one of them now on a bike ride and the other working for a gardener. They’re like string beans!

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:13

Is she an only child?

Murdoch1949 · 20/08/2025 15:14

You can do nothing about what her father feeds her, except talk to him again, expressing your fears. If your daughter is just a little overweight, and you are providing a healthy diet, could you encourage swimming or walking together? I would make sure there are minimal bad food choices available at home, but free fruit on tap. Of course she could still buy her own. At her age she may be concerned herself about being larger than her friends, if she is, she may welcome a chat about it. You know your daughter, would she be receptive to a chat, would she go to GP with you as there are programmes that they could offer.

Original poster
ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 15:18

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:13

Is she an only child?

Yes she is

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 15:19

Murdoch1949 · 20/08/2025 15:14

You can do nothing about what her father feeds her, except talk to him again, expressing your fears. If your daughter is just a little overweight, and you are providing a healthy diet, could you encourage swimming or walking together? I would make sure there are minimal bad food choices available at home, but free fruit on tap. Of course she could still buy her own. At her age she may be concerned herself about being larger than her friends, if she is, she may welcome a chat about it. You know your daughter, would she be receptive to a chat, would she go to GP with you as there are programmes that they could offer.

Thank you. That has been my line for a while now, very few bad food choices at home, just not having it in the house so it isnt there. I am quite active myself so i have encouraged thingss like that but she's shown no interest, and she doesn't seem to be bothered by her weight so far

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:21

ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 15:19

Thank you. That has been my line for a while now, very few bad food choices at home, just not having it in the house so it isnt there. I am quite active myself so i have encouraged thingss like that but she's shown no interest, and she doesn't seem to be bothered by her weight so far

Show quote history

She will be op, very bothered. She’s not just slightly overweight, she is very overweight.

So she does very little by way of exercise at all? How has she been spending the summer holidays?

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:21

Have you actually spoken to her about this?

FoggyFriday · 20/08/2025 15:22

This needs to be tackled with her OP, that's very big and could be detrimental to her life and well-being in her later teens and twenties.
Grab the bull by the horns now and she will thank you!

Original poster
ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 15:26

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:21

She will be op, very bothered. She’s not just slightly overweight, she is very overweight.

So she does very little by way of exercise at all? How has she been spending the summer holidays?

Show quote history

No she's not into anything sports/activity wise unfortunately. Summer holidays have been a week on holiday (me and her) and when she's been at home either going out with friends or round to friends houses, or in her room at home.

I have had the chat with her about me being concerned with her and checking that she's ok and that she's happy etc, and she's just brushed it off saying she's happy.

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:29

I think the first thing that needs to happen is for you to stop focussing on your ex and more in the fact that your teen daughter is very overweight indeed and doing no exercise at all in any form and almost certainly binging very seriously on junk food - and you need to talk to her openly

Original poster
ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 15:46

Returnofjude · 20/08/2025 15:29

I think the first thing that needs to happen is for you to stop focussing on your ex and more in the fact that your teen daughter is very overweight indeed and doing no exercise at all in any form and almost certainly binging very seriously on junk food - and you need to talk to her openly

Edited

Don't get me wrong, i totally appreciate the core issue lies with her but it's also a challenge to tackle it when the other parent isnt supporting and is working against it.

OP posts:
myplace · 20/08/2025 15:52

The Thing is, we are also told not to make an issue of it. Make the standard diet a healthy one and encourage active lifestyle etc.

Don't make food an issue, don’t give her an issue, etc etc.

Then suddenly it’s your fault and you should have spoken to her about it?!

It’s hard, OP. I don’t think you can force her to change her eating habits at her dad’s. You can’t force him to be a more active parent.

She is stuck on a pathway. I have no idea how to help, except to remind her that if she wants support with getting stronger and more active, you will always step up.
That if she wants advice on how to eat more healthily at her dad’s, ditto.

Pharmacystop · 20/08/2025 16:02

Doesn't it seem highly unlikely she's reached 15s/size 16 at 15yo on what she's eating 2 days pw and 2 weekends pm?

Even weightloss diets allow cheat days.

Original poster
ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 16:08

Pharmacystop · 20/08/2025 16:02

Doesn't it seem highly unlikely she's reached 15s/size 16 at 15yo on what she's eating 2 days pw and 2 weekends pm?

Even weightloss diets allow cheat days.

I agree its probably not solely a case of it just being at his and no doubt eating junk food when shes round at friends for example, but some of that is also related to him giving her a fair bit of pocket money which will be getting spent on food too.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 20/08/2025 16:15

At fifteen most kids have access to money and spend a lot of it on junk food. There's little either parent can do really. You can't force her to eat healthily.

It's good you cook balanced meals for her but it's true at her dad's she'll eat what he offers. Again, it's not something you can really control.

Your daughter is old enough to know about calories and balance and exercise, and portion control.

She's not a little kid who can't get her own food or is totally oblivious to self control.

So talk to her directly, in a gentle non judgemental way. Rather than battling with her dad over it.

Pharmacystop · 20/08/2025 16:17

What I've learned from watching my DC and their friends grow up is it really doesn't seem to matter how you "raise" them with food, it will go pear-shaped during their teens and hopefully come back once they're in their 20s. The only exceptions are those who are really into sport or the gym, who seem to become obsessive about healthy eating.

I can give plenty of examples of children raised on very good diets with excellent examples set, who lived on junk for 4/5 years as soon as they had some spending money.

I really doubt this is all down to your ex. Much more likely to be to do with the circles she's moving in.

Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 16:18

ThatWildPoet · 20/08/2025 16:08

I agree its probably not solely a case of it just being at his and no doubt eating junk food when shes round at friends for example, but some of that is also related to him giving her a fair bit of pocket money which will be getting spent on food too.

Show quote history

Again though, that's on her, not him. Pretty much all parents give their teens pocket money and have no control over how it is spent.