Tackling DD's father about food choices

[ThatWildPoet]

Looking for advice/reassurance really...

DD is 15 and her father and I are separated. I wouldnt say he and i are friendly but we maintain an ok relationship for DD's sake.

DD has put on a lot of weight through high school. Shes generally a happy girl and has a good circle of friends so its something i've avoided making an issue of. We eat healthily at home but i know from comments she's made and things i've seen that when she's at her father's she is basically allowed free rein over what she eats. Her father is really not the cooking type so i know that we're talking fast food more often than not and DD has quite a sweet tooth.

As i say the weight is something i've tried to avoid making an issue of but the last year it's something that has got to the point i've become really concerned about.

I've tried to have a couple of gentle chats with her father about but he has been extremely dismissive about it and more or less suggested that I butt out of what happens when shes at his.

To me thats really crap parenting, regardless of our relationship we still need to work together on parenting.

I'm at a bit of a loss on what to do as a next step so anyone who has had experience of similar or can offer advice would be welcome (and i guess a bit of reassurance that i'm NBIU to be challenging this)

But it’s diluting where your energy needs to be.

Stop focussing on ex. Focus surely on your DD. She will be binging food Op and you need to find out how and get to the bottom of it.

as for the absolutely no exercise… you need to parent up here. Every day she HAS to join you for a walk. Non negotiable. A decent long walk. At least. Do you have a dog?

You’re focussed on tackling the wrong person on this OP

OP I would say dial down the pressure you are putting on yourself and ex partner.

as mentioned, you don’t do anything about ex partner. How he parents in his own time is up to him- this is just the reality of separation.

but also- making improvements is positive. Don’t fall in the trap of thinking she needs to lose the excess weight and get healthy immediately and consistently. Embedding some habit changes and life style changes gradually will help set her up for a more healthy adult hood, even if the weight doesn’t melt away. She might decide herself to lose it at 19 or 25 or whenever so it’s not all or nothing. It’s just recognising the level to which both of you can control this and the pleasure you find out if it.

how about a completely different more fun sport? Climbing walls, biking, hiking? What about a PT so someone else can start to influence her?

To echo everyone else, your focus is in completely the wrong place. If it wasn't her dads she could be spending time with friends, grandparents, boyfriend etc - you can't control what she eats everywhere.

And being completely honest, there is absolutely no way she has gotten to 14-15 stone just from being at her dads a couple of nights a week and EOW....

Oh wow. 😔

I think you need to have a sensitive conversation with your daughter.

Eating crap for less than 1/4 of her week would not make her gain weight unless she was also overeating during the rest of the week.

Obviously diet may be the thing here but 2 nights a week and every other weekend doesn’t sound necessary awful for eating crap to cause the weight gain, unless it is completely excessive binging for the whole time??

have you ruled out other possible causes for the weight gain such as PCOS and hypothyroidism? Are her periods regular, does she have excessive acne or hairiness?? Is she particularly fatigued or do thyroid issues run in the family? Might be worth a bit of a health check to make sure?

I was a fat teenager. My meals were healthy but I also was the teen who baked herself biscuits and cakes late at night. Comfort ate quite a bit

Im forever thankful my parents never said anything as I already had so much shame around my weight and eating - i knew I was fat, I was called fat at school. I couldn't eat infront of people incase they thought I was a pig. I realise now I was eating my emotions and stress.

Im in my 40s and still unpicking my emotional overeating.

So no i wouldn't say anything

I would say her weight will not only be due to 4 days she spends at her father’s per fortnight. It just won’t. She’ll be binging on sugar elsewhere. Bless her, that’s definitely overweight but it’s so tricky, if you go on about it it can be counterproductive.

Unfortunately all you can do is make sure she eats right and does exercise whilst with you. You are only able to control your own household.

I think it sounds like you need to look closer to home, which is where your DD is eating most of her meals.

You say you eat ‘healthily’ but what does that actually look like? What is her typical day’s food when she’s with you, rather than her dad?

But I was expecting you to say… they didn’t speak to you BUT it all turned out good in the end.

However they didn’t talk to you and you are still suffering decades later

so don’t you wonder what would be the case if they had gently spoken to you and discussed help?

I don’t think this ever would really resolve an eating disorder? Not sure if it would be objectively likely to cause harm but having a gentle word strikes me as something that would be really ineffective?

I was also very overweight as a young teen and not very active (although this was the 70s, so probably more active possibly than teens today as you had to leave the house to see friends, not chat on-line) and my weight did even out in my late teens.

However, I wasn't as heavy as your DD to be honest, that does sound quite heavy.

My initial thoughts are that if dad is only feeding her approximately 30% - 40% of the time and you are giving her healthy dinners on the other 60% - 70% of the time, then she is possibly eating stuff at school or out the house with friends. I don't think this is necessarily an exDH problem.

I would have dinner, then get a dish from the new Chinese takeaway that had appeared on the high street. It was a thing of wonder.

It is so much easier nowadays with Starbucks and takeaways on every street corner to get high calorie, but not very filling snacks very regularly. And some of those mocca chocca latte coffee things have more calories than a cheese burger.

I wouldn't say anything to her but I would put her on a healthy eating plan at home as that's where she will be eating the majority of her meals.

Consider restricting access to pocket money as well so if she wants new X, you buy it online. Do it under the guise of getting bonus points or savings.

As a fat child, I'm also grateful as per another pp that my adults didn't raise it, just made diet adjustments when it got too much (although I bitterly wish they'd intervened sooner and when I was a pre-teen gaining weight so I didn't have entirely avoidable stretch marks that ive carried throughout adulthood despite being slim for 20+ years)

Actually at 16 I decided enough was enough. Joined a gym and got down to my ideal weight but it didnt solve my issues with emotional eating. I started therapy at 18 for it. Its like all addictions and crutches. It will never go away as its a journey and I fall down at times

My parents having 'a gentle word' would have sent me in a shame spiral and possible made me start throwing up or taking laxatives instead.

Im lucky I had an amazing bf at 17 who didnt care if I was a size 10 or size 18. He made me realise my self worth

He can have a certain amount of influence by what he cooks for dinner and provides as snacks. No, he can't stop her heading to Macdonald's with her mates, but he can provide a generally decent food environment.

Surely she's been overweight for a long time, she can't have become, what, 4/5st overweight because of what she eats a couple of nights a week, in the last year or so?

Is it possible you're in denial as much as ex is OP?

I think you’re assuming the worst

but given you sound like you’ve never been free of this dreadful disease, I’m surprised you’re not wondering how the situation would be different if your parents had spoken with you and the three of you had agreed a plan, likely involving your parents needing to pay for professional help

I agree with others that you're focusing on the wrong thing. People overeat for all sorts of reasons no matter what the environment.

I would focus less on what she's eating and more in why she's eating it. Maybe try to arrange some counselling for her to talk about what going on. If she's as big as you say she probably doesn't feel good about her body but there why be other issues driving the overeating/binge eating.

Do some sports/activities together. Think non traditional. Like plenty of teenager girls she probably doesn't like team sports. Weightlifting, martial arts, climbing, boxing, hiking, dog walking, dance classes, Parkrun. Go together. Most clubs offer the first class for free. I haven't solved my eating too much problems entirely, but I'm a lot healthier now I do sports.

You don't often realise how bad your diet is until you starting counting calories and macro nutrients. I imagine she's going to the chicken shop between friends/school and home.

14 to 15 stone is very overweight!!

Why not take up a sport together? Go to a kick boxing class a couple of times a week? Or a HIIT class.

If you can't get her to eat healthily then you need to encourage her to move more and burn fat to stay healthy.

Everyone should be doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise at least twice a week?

Does she have a fitness watch? That might help.