On holiday and so bored of seeing DS on his phone

[Electrotrinco]

DS is 14. Only child, For context, we’ve had quite an active holiday. For the first ten days we’ve done something every day that’s taken up half the day - cultural, nature related excursions. We’ve also driven a couple of hours to our next stop a few times - but the scenery is amazing. We also go out to dinner every night and ban phones. And we play cards etc

but whenever possible DS wants to be on his phone. And there are a lot of hours on holiday without routines. He’s been texting a lot with a girl - great - but it’s the TIk Tok scrolling that does my head in. He has started to hate reading - sob! - and just wants to scroll.

how have your kids been? How much should I be enforcing and how much should I let go?

and for those of you who want to say why didn’t you take a friend on holiday with him - it’s an expensive trip, that wasn’t feasible. So please don’t make me feel bad that he’s alone, as I already generally in life carry complex emotions around that.

At this age, as long as he's joining in, I'd let it go. If you want him reading then have a no phones before bed rule and encourage him to read then - it's all about finding the right book that will engage him too.

The Hunger Games books are really good at this age if he hasn't already read them, Neal Shusterman Arc of a Scythe series, Garth Nix Sabriel series, Life as we knew it series by Susan Pfeffer, Phillip Pullman - His dark materials, Divergent series Veronica Roth, Percy Jackson series - DS has enjoyed all these over the years.

Firstly don’t stress about this he is getting lots of other stuff

The phone and in part the scrolling is giving him relevant social stuff and though not always wholesome or family oriented it’s just a replacement for old fashioned mindless watching tv for the most part.

best things I have found is to

model balance/sensible usage and point out what is sensible in your own life and why

make sure he understands that people are making addictive stuff to line their own pockets financially and bolster their own egos and that they are using him for this, not doing it to entertain him so he must decide how much of this is fair

chat to him about how much of his day he thinks is appropriate to dedicate to the social media and find a way to schedule this in his day or put a limit on his phone to help him stick to this - it is hard otherwise what ever your age - but he needs to buy into the concept

ask him to pick up a chore to contribute to the holiday team spirit such as dishwasher duties

be clear that real people should always trump what is on your phone so no ignoring people when scrolling, no playing irritating sound tracks out loud on repeat, chat to your people every day about what you find fun on your phone and share little memes and videos so it is inclusive

add value to phone use eg encourage him to take photos of the holiday and research things to do etc

Have you watched the documentary The Social Dilemma (it’s on Netflix) social media platforms are carefully designed to be highly addictive all in order to sell things. Phones / tablets are also designed to make our brains want more. It’s very depressing. Remember you’re the parent and you’re in charge.

Our kids (15, 12 and 10) are not allowed near social media but we have the same issue with YouTube and we have very simple rules. Absolutely no mindless scrolling is allowed. If kids want to watch something specific on YouTube they can but not on their phones (as it’s rife with all sorts as we all know) they have to plug the laptop into the TV in the living room to watch.

I heard a chilling quote from someone on a podcast yesterday “the day you’re ready for your kids to see porn is the day you should give them access to a phone / tablet. You’re not giving your child access to the world / internet but you’re giving the world / internet access to your child”

We just had a holiday with 13 yo DD. No phones at the table is a rule we have at home so all meal times were phone free. She was online in the mornings (waking up slooooowly) , a few times in the day when everyone was just chilling , evenings while we all showered /got ready for dinner and then before bed. Did it still add up to hours ? Sure. But she fully participated in the day , enjoyed every single activity, was happy , enthusiastic,Present and involved and didn’t complain once. We also talked a lot, played with cats, people watched , awwwed and fussed over little ones , played card games and so many things. So I just decided fuck it, she’s a good kid, we have a good balance she can chill how she wants to for a few hours in a day.

My daughter is a bit older and it's more gaming with her friends on her phone, which I don't mind in theory but when I look at her like a zombie her face lit up from the screen... I just don't like it. And it's not so much the gaming or the screen, it's the way they just turn into like zombies it's like they're a different person. They go totally unresponsive and their sole focus is the screen.

I hate it but then I walk around town and you see grown adults sat having a coffee or in a restaurant both sat looking at their phones not talking to each other... I despair sometimes at what smartphones have done to us. We adults are just as bad.

I set limits on my 14 yo’s phone. Limits for TikTok, Snapchat, YouTube etc and then an overall limit. It’s massively annoying!

Also , what are YOU doing when he’s on his phone? You wouldn’t happen to be on a device as well (at least sometimes), would you?

Unclutch your pearls and breathe.

He's not sat smoking crack.

This is a completely disproportionate response

Thanks to all for range of views. I need to loosen up, clearly. But also: I’m not going to stop pressing him to read. When you talk about balance, reading is part of that.

I do find it so sad he can’t be assed to read. My job involves books and writing and it’s a wonderful world to immerse oneself in - that said I’m fully aware he is not me

Nothing wrong with feeling sad, speaking as a tik tok refuser.

But another difference between you and DS at present is that you have access to peer group socialising on holiday, since you mention adults in the plural. He doesn't. Worth reflecting on how that might influence your respective positions.

Trust me, I feel your pain. I’m an avid reader and I can lose hours in a book and they bring me pure joy. DD abhors it. She’ll do it if I make her, but that defeats the purpose of reading for pleasure /enjoying it.

@Electrotrinco Many of these responses come from parents who are also very attached to their phones. They propably believe that if they allow their children to do the same, it won’t be harmful.

But research suggests otherwise; there are plenty of scientific papers online showing the negative effects. It might be worth looking into that before dismissing my response as 'too much' or you "loosen up."

Do you have teens?

I wouldn’t push reading of actual books too hard. I remember being forced to read books and it killed any enjoyment of them. I didn’t pick up a book for pleasure till I was over 25 after being forced so much as a child.

I have one who hates books and two who will regularly ask for a new book they have heard of and willingly pack ones to take away.

I made my son get rid of tik tok. He downloaded it without asking first.

He had it two weeks and in that time he had spent 48 hours on the app , scrolling.
When I looked over the things offered up to scroll through it was awful borderline sexualised content and other things that I did not feel comfortable my son viewing.

It's clearly addictive and there are studies out there that find a direct link between using tiktok and poor mental health.

I said he can use YouTube and he still has WhatsApp, he can game on the PlayStation because at least he's using his brain.

I'm his parent and I will protect him as long as I can.
You're allowed to say your son can't have these apps because you are in charge - if you think it will be too much to just take it away then at least set a time limit.