On holiday and so bored of seeing DS on his phone

[Electrotrinco]

DS is 14. Only child, For context, we’ve had quite an active holiday. For the first ten days we’ve done something every day that’s taken up half the day - cultural, nature related excursions. We’ve also driven a couple of hours to our next stop a few times - but the scenery is amazing. We also go out to dinner every night and ban phones. And we play cards etc

but whenever possible DS wants to be on his phone. And there are a lot of hours on holiday without routines. He’s been texting a lot with a girl - great - but it’s the TIk Tok scrolling that does my head in. He has started to hate reading - sob! - and just wants to scroll.

how have your kids been? How much should I be enforcing and how much should I let go?

and for those of you who want to say why didn’t you take a friend on holiday with him - it’s an expensive trip, that wasn’t feasible. So please don’t make me feel bad that he’s alone, as I already generally in life carry complex emotions around that.

Oh just let him be, it’s his holiday too.

He is doing the day time activities with you, 14 is a difficult transitional age, too old to be enjoying things like a young DC and too young to be allowed to do anything alone. DS spent a lot of his time on the computer and phone at that age and he has grown at 19 to have an active social life, play in his uni rugby team and is basically pretty well rounded. It’s hard as an only DC as well - I was one and so is DS.

I have two DSs aged 15 and 13. We just got back from two weeks doing a very active holiday that everyone helped to plan and choose.

They spent a lot of time on their phones. I found it mildly irritating, but just let them get on with it. I spent time on my phone too! Neither of them have tiktok (they have never asked for it or showed any interest), but the 13 yr old enjoys watching nonsense on YouTube, which I assume is similar.

We also ate out, played card games etc. As long as they were happily engaged in the main activities of the holiday then I let then relax on their phones in the car/during down times.

There was a talk at school about near universal dropping of reading for phones at this age. It’s a Thing. So not just you. Ours keen readers had similar but back to reading again as late teens.

Tbf if I’m not “doing” something I quite often scroll - but I also read and watch tv.

Its good if it’s being used for downtime only.

Id be more concerned if he was walking around cultural places with his head in the screen!

It’s his holiday too and his using his non activity time to chill and relax how he wants.

What would you rather he do? Watch tv? Well his watching mini clips, read a book? His reading stuff on his phone.

Or is he meant to be using all his down time to talk about the activities with you?

We are not long back off holiday, we did lots of activities and the teens at times did lots of doom scrolling. But that was their version of sitting back and chilling at the end of the day. They were not about to get a crossword out let’s face it. We still managed a few nights of uno and chess.

I have a son the same age. You really need to let this go. If he’s been doing the activities and joining in with things then let him spend his downtime how he likes.

I’m 60 and was an only child, and I spent any downtime on holiday reading to the point where my father would get angry about it. I clearly remember at about your son’s age how resentful I felt that he wouldn’t just let me do what I wanted to do in my own free time, when I wasn’t hurting anyone. At that age, they are beginning to detach from parents and find out who they are. As an only child, being with your parents on holiday is quite intense even if you get on with them well, because you’re outnumbered by older people who think they know better than you and are interested in different things. I found refuge from this in books, but it sounds to me like your son is just using TikTok to unwind and stay in touch with his own life, the part of it that you quite naturally don’t and shouldn’t share, as you won’t be interested in the same mindless crap that he will be. I know perfectly well that phone addiction is a huge issue, but in this specific context I wouldn’t worry. It’s his holiday too, as others have said. If he can’t put the phone down when he’s back at school, that’s a different issue. I think people who weren’t only children are often quite patronising about it, as if it’s something to be pitied, which I never felt myself as a child, but it is obviously difficult from having siblings. When my own children were small it took me a long time to get used to how much time they spent in pointless arguments or very silly conversations, because I’d never experienced that. Your son will be spending some of his time in ways he’s choosing because he’s on his own, rather than ways he’s negotiating with a sibling. That’s not sad in my view, just different, and it does leave you with more free time to fill alone (and the skills to cope on your own).

Please don’t feel bad about having an only child on holiday. When I was 14 and my brother was 17 he refused to come on holiday with us anymore. When we were younger, he would make a friend on holiday and I would be left to make my own friends. Having a sibling does not guarantee they will hang out together. It was the same for my partner.

Regardless, I have the best memories of holidays when I was younger so please don’t worry about it.

Thank you, I really appreciate this response. It’s v helpful

Thank you ❤️

I don’t see the problem. He’s participating in family time, games, dinner and activities without his phone. In his downtime why can’t he do something he wants to do? If he hasn’t got a friend with him and there’s not other teens he’s made friends with where you are then he’s going to want some interaction. Sounds like he’s just enjoying his holiday.

I agree with the other posters. We had a holiday in Europe with 14/16/18 year olds. They spent more time I would have like watching brainless American sitcoms on a laptop in their room, but also did join in with activities and outings. It’s part of being a teenager. They all dropped off reading in teenage years but are now, in late 20s+ avid readers again if that is any consolation! Parenting teenagers is all about watching, some necessary boundaries, but also allowing them a chance to explore life and work things out for themselves. The difficulty is in working out which boundaries are necessary and what is over protective/interfering parenting. Not easy.

We do screen time limits. 2 hours a day. If DD needs more time (eg because she’s chatting with friends) then we authorise it. We also regularly check how much time she’s spending on different apps so that the whole 2 hours isn’t just spent on TikTok!
I think screen time limits are the only effective thing for us & work well.

When you've done all these activities, has he been fully engaged or spent the time on his phone? I understand how annoying it is, but honestly if he's otherwise participated in family activities, I'd let him unwind. It's what teenagers do these days, sadly. But as long as there's balance, I think you'll find it more relaxing to accept it and stop battling.

Honestly- if he’s getting up and engaging in all of the activities and still spending quality time with you, even if it’s just playing cards after dinner etc, then I really cannot see the harm of him going on his phone during his spare time.

I loathe TikTok and wouldn't want it installed in the first place.

That said, what actually do you want him to do, especially while you're having your own downtime? He's a 14 year old, clearly having a lovely holiday of course, but one without access to similarly aged peers. Nothing wrong with having an only child and going away without being able to afford a friend too, but it does mean you're going to have to be ok with ways for him to get socialisation with other teens. Reading isn't going to do that.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this between activities. Honestly what else do you expect him to be doing? I’m the same. If not doing an activity or driving then I’ll relax on my phone. Kids the same. Count yourself lucky he’s engaging in your activities. At that age and as a single child many kids would be bored to death and non stop complaining.

I think the amount of time being on the phone is not too awful when so much else is happening, and pretty inevitable.

I think I’d focus on what he’s looking at. TikTok and reels/ shorts are pretty awful for the brain. Maybe try to talk to him about these .

I have a slightly younger one who is not allowed TikTok and I removed YouTube because of the shorts - he was just scrolling and scrolling.

Well done here, you've managed a reading 'boast post' and fellow parent shamed in just a few sentences.

The OP doesn't need to be told they are a crap parent who doesn't impose boundaries, they are lamenting a modern world where mindless scrolling a vapid nonsense is entertainment- for us adults as well as kids.

It's a form of relaxation and switching off. I would lean into a bit if I was the OP, ask about the latest 'trends', ask if they learnt or seen anything interesting, or completely ridiculous.

If they are engaging in other aspects of the holiday, I wouldn't worry too much.

It's the modern world, us parents would have done exactly the same if we had these things as kids.

Yes we would all love our kids to be sat reading 'Lord of the Rings' for entertainment, but we have to be realistic.

Speaking as a teacher, a book does not have the same addiction issues as a phone.

Books are educational, allow people to think for themselves, use their imagination. It is a self motivated task e.g. the book doesn't read itself.

Phones are frequently just sitting and staring, and even playing games are phone-lead activities so the person just responds to the phone and needs the phone's input. This is a HUGE issue in schools as pupils are losing the ability to think for themselves and struggle to do anything on their own without being lead. Its exasperating.

I'm not sure what you're expecting your son to be doing when he has spare time on holiday. He sounds a lovely lad, participating in all the days out and activities. So many threads on here about ungrateful kids ruining holidays, your boy sounds a normal, pleasant teenager.

I know this and explicitly discussed it in my post. My point is that when I read on holiday as an only child 45 years ago, I was reading partly as a way to switch off and be somewhere else mentally, because talking to my parents the whole time was too much. Of course books and phones have different functions and impacts and there are major issues with phones today. But that doesn’t mean that all phone use is problematic. I remember how I felt back then and it was very much the mental downtime that I wanted on holiday; if I’d had a phone I’d have used it. As I said in my previous post, if this boy can’t put his phone down when he’s back at school, that’s a completely different situation.

Is it unreseanable that a child should not be on TikTok watching silly influencers on holiday???

If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even allow a smartphone. Here’s your flip phone: text your friends if you want, but there’s no way I’d allow endless, addictive videos.

The fact that you think this is okay is shocking to me. This is an addiction. It’s like smoking or drinking, but for the mind. Would you allow that?

I think Tarnished moonstone speaks a lot of sense. He sounds like a kid who is engaging with and therefore enjoying all the active bits of the holiday. I think he should be allowed to spend the remaining time relaxing in a way of his choosing on his holiday. I am absolutely with you on wishing they'd pick up a book instead of their phones but a holiday is not the time to enforce that in my opinion.

I don't know about anyone else but I have found holidaying with teens far harder than little kids. It doesn't matter how well you plan and how much you take their interests into account they just don't throw themselves into enjoying a holiday in the way they did when they were little. I'm lucky mine don't really give attitude or behave badly but a bored looking teen or a teen staring endlessly at their phone can still really ruin the holiday vibe!

Again, I agree and see exactly what you mean. Not all books are educational either, when I was reading to escape the adults it was Sweet Valley High and those Point Break horror books 😂