AIBU to not let my husband drive with our baby again?

[cosmicsunshine]

My husband has ASD (we recently found out he was diagnosed as a child but had both suspected) and has problems with anger usually small everyday annoyances - petty things around the house such as things being put away in the wrong places, neighbours making too much noise or parking. After a difficult few months in our relationship, i have asked him in multiple occasions to seek help from the GP or a counsellor for over the past 6 months and he has not done this. If I try and talk about it he says he doesn't want to talk about it.

anyway, this past weekend my husband had road rage and made a terrible and impulsive driving error which caused me, him and my baby son to be in a car accident leaving the vehicle a total write off. Everyone was unharmed thankfully but I am unsure how to deal with this going forwards.

am I within my rights to forbid my husband from driving our son again until he has sought help for his anger? Would I be unreasonable to even say I don't want him to be left alone with him at all?

I know he is a good person and he didn't intentionally put any of us in danger, but I feel enough is enough?

Absolutely right. There is absolutely no way I would let my child in a car with him again.

Surely it’s obvious that you have to. I don’t understand why you would think otherwise.

Having a relationship with someone he is getting angry because you haven’t put something away in the right place is no way to live either.

Well I dont know how you can you say he cant be left alone with the child?, you must have realised what he was like before having a child with him, how on earth do you think this will affect the child as they grow and start asking questions? none of this is normal

If he is that bad divorce him then seek legal advice, if not I really dont see how you can demand anything

I think there is a conversation here that steers directly into the ASD question: having ASD does not make you an arsehole. However, for some, it can make processing emotions difficult -- but you still have the emotions and sometimes they come out inappropriately which is what (from the little you say) could well be happening here. If you frame ASD as a disability (which on the whole I don't but it's sometimes helpful to) then you need to put in place support for the things that are difficult to do: in this case, perhaps, working through emotions with a neuro-diverse specialist therapist. It is his right to choose not to do that, but it is also your right to say that you don't want to have a relationship with someone whose behaviour is going to put the emotional wellbeing (and physical wellbeing) of the rest of the family at risk. Good luck OP.

I also would not want my child in a car with an angry lunatic. But assuming he has PR he gets equal say and rights and you can't ban him from making decisions about your child.

If you don't think your child is safe with him you need to leave the relationship, at least temporarily, while this is resolved. It's not really feasible that he is never left alone with the child while you live under the same roof.

Unless she has evidence of some kind of abuse, wouldn't it be more likely that he gets time alone with the baby if they split?

While it is possible that his lack of emotional regulation is a manifestation of ASD, it's also possible that maybe he's just a bit of an arse 🤔
Don't mean to diminish ASD at all, just that the behaviours described point more towards the 'arse' conclusion 👍

There’s no way i’d be allowing my child to be in the car with him again. Has he expressed anger around / directed towards your child?

What on earth was his parent thinking getting a diagnosis, keeping it from him and by the sounds of it not teaching him coping mechanisms and strategies.

100% agree he can’t have the child in the car when he is so unregulated, surely he must realise what he did was horrendous putting his wife and child at risk. It is wild he would want to put his child at risk again knowing he has rages

👆👆👆 100% this.

I have ADHD and Autism + 3 kids. It’s wildly incorrect to presume this behaviour has come with him being Autistic.

Yes - overwhelm and melting down can be a thing, but I’ve never heard of them looking like any of this.

Worth paying for a clinical psychologist who specialises in ND to discuss.

Is he remorseful?

Your post is slightly odd, it's almost like you are excusing his anger because he has ASD. Him being angry and aggressive is not ok in general, but certainly not in a car. YWNBU to not let him drive with your child again. TBH I couldn't stay with him or let him look after the baby on his own after this as he seems to be so unable to control his anger than he knowingly put your baby at risk.

I have ASD. I really struggle with loud or annoying noises, I'm impatient, I have sensory processing issues, all the good stuff. I'm also a kind, gentle mum, who puts all her issues aside for her child. I have been to counselling, I've read books, I've changed my diet and make sure I get enough sleep. Your husband should do the same and if he doesn't you may need to leave. ASD is hard to have, but it doesn't make you an arsehole. What makes you an arsehole is not doing anything about it and continuing to display abusive behaviours.

Mine would be banned from driving DC after that. If he protested, I would report his behaviour. What exactly was the ‘error’? Was it something that constitutes dangerous driving? If so, my DH would now be well aware that if he does not agree to sort himself out and not drive DC then I will be speaking to the police about his driving. A friend of mine reported her ex when he drink drove with their DC in the car after promising never to do so.

You’re right. Poor you. I couldn't stand living like this. Is he fun and silly ever? Life sounds very serious & constrained.

Your husband could have killed you and your son as well as other people through his temper tantrum. You are under reacting . Sorry doesn't matter if you are dead . That's very harsh and blunt but it is true

I agree. My whole family are diagnosed and all have different presentations and difficulties but none have anger issues like the OP describes. That's a personality trait not an ASD trait.

Is he likely to be prosecuted as a result of the accident? If he is banned from driving, that might make the decision for you.

Thanks for your comments so far. Just to be clear - I am not blaming my husbands ASD for his behaviour and I agree that having ND doesn't make you an arsehole. I was just trying to add some context.

he has acted a little remorseful yes - he has admitted 100% fault to the other driver and he knows his actions were dangerous driving (he is very lucky the other party has said they do not want to prosecute)

I echo that do not use asd to explain poor behaviour, anger and poor driving isn’t inevitable with autism! He needs help for his anger whatever the diagnosis

asd or not he could have killed you and your child, i would personally never sit in the car with him in the drivers seat again. What a lunatic. That would make me question the whole point of the relationship,whats the point of having him around when is is a liability and a risk to his own child.

I don’t think this would be up to the other party. The police would decide if it was dangerous driving and prosecute anyway if they thought they could and should.

This idiot wouldn’t be driving my child, or me, ever again.

Tbh I would be questioning the whole relationship. What effect are his angry outbursts going to have on your child?

I would be telling him to move out. He can come back when he has sought help for his anger issues. No unsupervised access to the child.

A little remorseful? What does that even mean?

If I had almost killed by baby in a temper tantrum I would be mortified and heart broken and be trying to figure out how to seek help. He's just " a little" remorseful?