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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would you feel about this?

35 replies

SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 05:27

I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year. I am 30, she is 30 next year. We live separately, about 45 minutes away from each other.

She has been renting a flat for the last few years, it is a housing association one so a bit cheaper than privately renting in her area, and she works a full-time job.

She has been having some issues with some new neighbours that have moved in, so was planning on giving her notice and moving out back to her parent’s house. However, it has now come to light that the new neighbours are probably going to move out again soon due to a relationship break-up and losing their jobs, they have also been threatened with eviction because of their behaviour and complaints against them.

I had a discussion with her, about whether this would influence her decision to move out or not, if they no longer lived there. She said that yes she would probably stay at her flat if that was the case. The topic then come up again a couple of weeks later, and she said that no, she had decided to still move out and back to her parent’s house in a couple of months time. The reason she gave was that she basically wanted more money to herself and to “treat herself” every month.

Now, this is where I feel a bit uneasy.

She doesn’t earn a massive amount (around £1700 on a basic month, £1900 on an enhanced month) but she has managed to afford the flat for 2 years on her own now (since her ex-partner moved out) and has savings to fall back on if needed. If she was moving back to her parent’s house to save money for something in particular - say to buy a property - then fair enough, but I just feel like that is basically a nearly 30 year old adult saying that they don’t want the responsibility of financing an ‘adult life’ and just wants to live with mum and dad to basically just buy themselves loads of new shit every month like a young adult would do? And then what is the plan after living there for a period of time, when basically she would be back in the same situation she is in now but probably paying more in a privately rented space?

How would everyone else feel about this? Is this a bit of a red flag?

OP posts:
TheBestWasYetToCome · 19/08/2025 06:48

I can’t say I blame her, I wouldn’t like to live on £1700 a month. She says she wants more money to herself AND to treat herself so that could easily include saving for the future. You say she has savings already so presumably she will continue to save even more with less outgoings when living with her parents. I don’t understand why you’re presuming the worst of her.

Have you talked about getting a place together in the future? If that’s the plan and you have concerns about her not being financially responsible when you live together, then you need to talk to her.

I think you’re more of a red flag, you haven’t been together that long so it’s not really any of your business, and from what you say, she is financially responsible anyway, paying her bills and saving, yet you still seem critical of her.

Littleredgoat · 19/08/2025 06:54

How are finances when you go out? Dating is expensive, it may be she's ok with the flat but she's struggling to keep up with you?

Have you spoken about moving in together? She may be looking forward to that- try and save some money for a deposit?

I think you need a chat to find out what her goals and plans are

SparklyGlitterballs · 19/08/2025 06:55

Your response to her should be "how much extra money would you have each month, as surely you'll be paying your parents towards rent and bills?" Living with her parents for a while isn't so awful, but if she's going to be completely freeloading off them and giving them nothing, then I'd find that a very unattractive trait.

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/08/2025 07:06

She’d be mad to give up a secure tenancy in a HA. They’re like hens teeth aren’t they?

And bless those posters who couldn’t live on £1700 per month. Plenty do.

I agree with you OP. A 30 year old moving in with her parents because she CBA to run her own life is pretty pitiful. Is she angling to move in with you?

Ollybob · 19/08/2025 07:13

If she gives up the HA property there's no way she'd be able to get another for many, many years even ever.
The only other option is stay with mum and dad - are they willing to have her back? or private rent which will cost a lot more.

healthybychristmas · 19/08/2025 07:16

I wouldn't respect anybody who didn't want to be independent and who would give up a housing association place knowing how lucky they are to have one. I would also think that the next place she would move into is yours where she thinks you can look after her.

TheBestWasYetToCome · 19/08/2025 07:20

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/08/2025 07:06

She’d be mad to give up a secure tenancy in a HA. They’re like hens teeth aren’t they?

And bless those posters who couldn’t live on £1700 per month. Plenty do.

I agree with you OP. A 30 year old moving in with her parents because she CBA to run her own life is pretty pitiful. Is she angling to move in with you?

I didn’t say I couldn’t live on it, I said I wouldn’t want to. I hope my adult kids live with us for as long as they like after uni and make the most of saving while they can. Life is far easier if you start in a good position. This woman is sensible to go back to her parents, she has savings so she does save, now she’ll be able to save more, good for her. Maybe she wants to buy her own house rather than live in a HA house. There is no reason for OP to see it as a red flag, unless there is more than they’ve said here, but of course, they are free to end the relationship if they feel it is.

Strugglingtodomybest · 19/08/2025 07:26

A red flag for what?

I wouldn't like it though, I'd feel the same as you. I want an independent partner, not someone who still lives with their parents and leaches off them.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 19/08/2025 07:27

I think it depends on what her relationship is like with her parents. And how much they really want her back with them. If you are only in your 30’s, then they might only be mid 50’s. Do they really want her there now it’s not an urgent issue? How well will that arrangement work in reality?

But if they need support now or in the near future) then it could be a great thing.

I would be worried if I were you that you are her back-up plan, especially if you don’t want that.

Also would you feel comfortable staying over at her parent’s house or are all dates to be at yours? That might feel like the first step towards living together.

Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:06

Littleredgoat · 19/08/2025 06:54

How are finances when you go out? Dating is expensive, it may be she's ok with the flat but she's struggling to keep up with you?

Have you spoken about moving in together? She may be looking forward to that- try and save some money for a deposit?

I think you need a chat to find out what her goals and plans are

We don’t go out a lot, but when we do - I mostly pay - so no worries there about keeping up with me financially. I have a place of my own and a child, so I won’t be looking to live with someone for years - she is aware of that so no deposit to save up for. I have sort of breached the subject of what comes after and she doesn’t really say much which is concerning.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:07

SparklyGlitterballs · 19/08/2025 06:55

Your response to her should be "how much extra money would you have each month, as surely you'll be paying your parents towards rent and bills?" Living with her parents for a while isn't so awful, but if she's going to be completely freeloading off them and giving them nothing, then I'd find that a very unattractive trait.

She will be paying her parents but not a lot - I think they’ve said around the £250-300 mark. Which will also include dinner being made for her every night and other food bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:10

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/08/2025 07:06

She’d be mad to give up a secure tenancy in a HA. They’re like hens teeth aren’t they?

And bless those posters who couldn’t live on £1700 per month. Plenty do.

I agree with you OP. A 30 year old moving in with her parents because she CBA to run her own life is pretty pitiful. Is she angling to move in with you?

Yeah, they are rare, especially in her area! But that’s exactly what it feels like, especially because I am quite responsible - run my own house, have a child, have a dog - it feels like we don’t align in terms of that if she is going to run home because she doesn’t want to carry on paying everyday bills basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:12

Her parents are only early 60’s and still working, so very independent. I don’t think they were overly keen at first but could hardly say no seeing as her other old siblings are still at home. We won’t be living together anytime soon and I won’t be staying at her parent’s house so that bit doesn’t apply as such. I think PP’s have hit the nail on the head - it’s about wanting an independent partner and this honestly feels like I’m going to be dating someone back in their early 20’s or something who still has mum doing their dinner and laundry as opposed to an equal adult.

OP posts:
hididdlyho · 19/08/2025 08:20

I know what you mean, I think I would find it hard to be attracted to someone who's about to turn 30, choosing to give up their independence to live an easier life at their parent's house. Are her parents fully on board with this plan? In the long term, I can't imagine they'll be thrilled to have her back and see her treating herself every month with the rent money she's saving. Especially as they're still going out to work to pay to run the house!

HoskinsChoice · 19/08/2025 08:21

SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:06

We don’t go out a lot, but when we do - I mostly pay - so no worries there about keeping up with me financially. I have a place of my own and a child, so I won’t be looking to live with someone for years - she is aware of that so no deposit to save up for. I have sort of breached the subject of what comes after and she doesn’t really say much which is concerning.

Show quote history

So she's moving back in with her parents so they can fund her and when she goes out with you, you fund her. There's a pattern emerging here! She's one of life's entitled leeches. Not a good example for your child, I'd stay well clear.

TheBestWasYetToCome · 19/08/2025 08:21

SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:06

We don’t go out a lot, but when we do - I mostly pay - so no worries there about keeping up with me financially. I have a place of my own and a child, so I won’t be looking to live with someone for years - she is aware of that so no deposit to save up for. I have sort of breached the subject of what comes after and she doesn’t really say much which is concerning.

Show quote history

You do realise she may want to save for a deposit for her own house, not with you. You are coming across as if you think you are superior for running a house and having a child. If she wants less responsibility, she’s unlikely to want to live with you and your child and whatever baggage that brings.

It doesn’t sound like you like her very much so maybe just end it, that’s if she hasn’t picked up on your obvious judgement of her choices already and is going to dump you, which could account for her vagueness about talking about future plans. You’re obviously not suited so no point continuing the relationship.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/08/2025 08:25

I dont think OP comes across as superior at all, she sounds like a lazy freeloader and OP is right to be concerned

Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:27

hididdlyho · 19/08/2025 08:20

I know what you mean, I think I would find it hard to be attracted to someone who's about to turn 30, choosing to give up their independence to live an easier life at their parent's house. Are her parents fully on board with this plan? In the long term, I can't imagine they'll be thrilled to have her back and see her treating herself every month with the rent money she's saving. Especially as they're still going out to work to pay to run the house!

They wasn’t at first and kept trying to encourage her to stay put, but I think she has been on at them quite a bit about it and seeing as she has other older siblings still living at home - they couldn’t exactly say no…

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 19/08/2025 08:29

I would not want to date someone who lived at home firstly (unless there were some circumstances beyond their control.) Living at home and having your parents cook dinner for you every night would also be deeply unattractive. She’s going to revert back to a parent / child relationship by the sounds of it. Is mum going to have to do her washing / ironing too? The answer would have been working on the career in some way to move beyond the job that pays £1700 not regress back to childhood.

Littleredgoat · 19/08/2025 08:29

SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:12

Her parents are only early 60’s and still working, so very independent. I don’t think they were overly keen at first but could hardly say no seeing as her other old siblings are still at home. We won’t be living together anytime soon and I won’t be staying at her parent’s house so that bit doesn’t apply as such. I think PP’s have hit the nail on the head - it’s about wanting an independent partner and this honestly feels like I’m going to be dating someone back in their early 20’s or something who still has mum doing their dinner and laundry as opposed to an equal adult.

Edited

The otherside of this though is living by yourself can be lonely. You live with your child and dog, and have the busyness of that kind of home. It might be that as she is reconciling herself to a future with you, that it has become apparent to her that means she will be remaining in her flat by herself for the foreseeable? I think it's fine if you don't want to live with a partner- I'm not sure it's so fine to expect them to live alone for the next decade to accommodate that

I do think you need a proper conversation with her to understand her motivations.

Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:30

HoskinsChoice · 19/08/2025 08:21

So she's moving back in with her parents so they can fund her and when she goes out with you, you fund her. There's a pattern emerging here! She's one of life's entitled leeches. Not a good example for your child, I'd stay well clear.

Show quote history

Yeah, she uses the financial excuse quite a bit I think to get out of things but honestly, I have a feeling that isn’t going to change when she moves back home and has money to spare every month and it is making me a bit resentful tbh. For example, if I fancy a takeaway on a Friday night and I’m seeing her, I know she isn’t going to offer to pay and then I know what would have maybe been a £10 McDonald’s meal or £10 Domino’s offer pizza then turns into a £20-30 treat for her too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:31

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/08/2025 08:25

I dont think OP comes across as superior at all, she sounds like a lazy freeloader and OP is right to be concerned

Thank you, I think that particular PP is just taking my thread a little bit too personally this morning!

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:34

Divebar2021 · 19/08/2025 08:29

I would not want to date someone who lived at home firstly (unless there were some circumstances beyond their control.) Living at home and having your parents cook dinner for you every night would also be deeply unattractive. She’s going to revert back to a parent / child relationship by the sounds of it. Is mum going to have to do her washing / ironing too? The answer would have been working on the career in some way to move beyond the job that pays £1700 not regress back to childhood.

This is my fear - that it is going to revert back to that and that is very unattractive. For some people and families that might be the norm, but I think because I have been independent and running my own house since I was 18-19 years old, I can’t understand why any adult would so easily want to move back home and lose that sense of independence? And I worry how going back to that dynamic with her parents will one - affect her and will it bring out a side to her that I’m not currently aware of and two - how it will affect our relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:37

Littleredgoat · 19/08/2025 08:29

The otherside of this though is living by yourself can be lonely. You live with your child and dog, and have the busyness of that kind of home. It might be that as she is reconciling herself to a future with you, that it has become apparent to her that means she will be remaining in her flat by herself for the foreseeable? I think it's fine if you don't want to live with a partner- I'm not sure it's so fine to expect them to live alone for the next decade to accommodate that

I do think you need a proper conversation with her to understand her motivations.

Show quote history

I understand that but I see her quite a bit, she spends time with friends and family, she’s very rarely actually alone. But again, if she struggles that much to be alone that she does have to move in with her parents, that’s something I would find unattractive and not particularly compatible with myself as I would expect an adult of that age to be fairly comfortable with their own company every once in a while.

OP posts:
TheBestWasYetToCome · 19/08/2025 08:39

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/08/2025 08:25

I dont think OP comes across as superior at all, she sounds like a lazy freeloader and OP is right to be concerned

She could be, but there’s not enough information here to tell us that. She’s going to live with her parents to have more money to herself and for treats, that could include saving. It’s very likely it will, as she already has savings so has a history of saving. She’ll be paying to live there, presumably an amount her parents are ok with, even if OP thinks it’s too low. Thats between them really,

As for dinner, we often make our adult child dinner, we’re making it anyway. He still lives quite independently at home, he cooks when he is home to do so, he mucks in with the washing as we don’t all do our own, he does housework, diy, gardening etc. It’s very possible OPs girlfriend will be doing all that, she doesn’t seem to have shared much information so OP is just assuming the worst along either others on the thread.

What is clear is that OP has a low opinion of their girlfriend and feels they’re on different paths so I’d end the relationship if I was them.