AIBU red flag grandparent behaviour

[Mamaincognito]

Hi

im not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. please don’t be rude as im genuinely not sure and I’m open to opinions.

( it’s worth saying I’m a SA survivor and have had a tonne of therapy to live without this affecting me but it still crops up from time to time. )

for context:

when I met my in-laws within a week I knew something was up with FIL. I had a bad feeling he was being unfaithful from his behaviour and we all found out a few months after that he was for years. I didn’t trust my gut and didn’t say anything as I was new to the relationship and didn’t know him.

We are now on holiday and I’ve had a niggling knot about how he treats my DD, 18mnths, it’s very self serving, all about him and not her and he says things to gain a cheap laugh rather than connect with her. I’ve been commenting on this to support my daughter in a discrete and daughter-affirming way, I’ve not been horrible but kindly and firmly responded to try and put some boundaries in. There has been a visible shift in how he looks at me to be quite cold now (which I don’t care about but feels very telling).

tonight in front of a group of family he asked her unprovoked to lift her top up to show him her tummy multiple times with no relevance to the conversation and unprovoked. He then proceeded to get her to lift her top up by lifting his own top and showing her his full belly. This had set off a huge knot in my stomach, and that feels like a huge red flag to me if the other things weren’t already. I feel it’s a clear boundary that a grandad shouldn’t show his granddaughter his stomach or any other under clothes body part? Especially as a bribe to see hers?

my husband has spoken to him and said don’t do it again we don’t want her to learn it’s ok to show people parts of her body just because she’s asked to. He apologised.

there is just this massive warning flashing in my body that he isn’t safe to be around. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is actually really weird behaviour. AIBU?

I wouldn't want my daughter anywhere near him. Is your partner your child's father?

Well that could be completely innocent. Or not. Totally understand why it's setting off alarm bells for you though.

Yes he is. He said that she’s our daughter and we need to come up with a plan moving forward as he trusts my gut. I’m worried im overreacting but also don’t want to take that risk, hence mumsnet

That’s really affirming and making me feel less guilty about my reaction. Thank you. My body is really saying he’s not a safe person but I feel like if I’m wrong then that’s a terrible thing to think. I’m finding it to be a really hard situation to navigate

How close is your DH to his father? I would never let my DD near this man without being present myself, and even then, I would not foster a relationship for her with him. Even if he isn't going to abuse her, he is being wildly inappropriate and lacks good judgment.

he idolised him before the cheating came out, but his family have kind of swept it under the rug, are still together etc, so it’s easy for them to ignore. Him and MIL have babysat once for our 12 week scan for second child and we asked for only mil to change nappies for that. they have offered to have her for the rest of our scans and labour. They only come over once or twice a month and she isn’t alone with them at all. But yeah I am glad that it’s not just me who sees that as red flag behaviour in a general sense.

The dilemma is, although it could just be your fil being wildly off the mark when attempting to be amusing/playful, you’ll never know, until something happens, and then it’s too late…
At 18m, it should be relatively easy to ensure he isn’t on his own with your dd. It’s great that your dh is on board with enforcing boundaries - that makes it a lot easier than if he was automatically leaping to his Dad’s defence. Just be vigilant and call your fil out on any inappropriate behaviour or language every single time. If he’s just a bit of a dinosaur with boundary issues, then maybe he’ll learn something, if anything more sinister, he’ll know you’re on his case.

he sounds like a prat but I can’t imagine you have anything to worry about in a sinister way with her.

This is exactly the problem and a really affirming answer. Thank you it’s exactly what I needed to hear I think

Intuition exists for a reason. Don’t ever let this man be alone with your child.

This

Trust your gut and protect your kid. Even if it’s innocent, nobody should be questioning your choices when protecting your child is the goal. (He sounds creepy AF and asking your child to show her body for no reason isn’t ok.)

I think its difficult to know, because at 18months it is just potentionally playing. It could be innocent. It could not be.

And I dont think you can always trust your gut becuase sadly your experiences will influence it. And youll be wrong more than right, but remember the affirming situations. I can understand your reaction. But cheat doesnt equate child predator. You arent an unbiased observer, you pegged him for a cheat and he is one and you feel thats wrong. (Not disagreeing) but you are reading the situation from the perspective of someone who dislikes the other person.

For me, DH has spoken to his dad and said, quite rightly, in this day and age were nervous about her learning to flash her body if a grown up suggests it. Please dont play that game with her again. Id expect FiL to understand that even if his game was innocent the next time someone says it, it might not be. Privacy and safety are important. Id wait and see if FiL listens and respects this boundary DH set. If he does, then all fine. Maybe cut him some slack.

If he continues however id consider that a massive red flag and restrict any future access.

This is great thank you so much! The perspective is why I have an issue telling is iabu. Really great response

I can completely understand why it worries you but my dad does this with my younger one all the time. He’s a boy and there’s definitely nothing untoward about it between the 2 of them. It just seems to be a thing that they do & sometimes he will tickle his belly etc. My dad thinks it’s hilarious but I don’t really get what’s funny about it 🤣.

I agree with others that you need to trust your gut.

How much do you trust MIL? Does she stand up to him? You say that you’ve requested only she changes nappies but can you be sure she’ll also respect this boundary? She’s forgiven his infidelity, I think you said ‘brushed it under the carpet’, some women always put the men in their lives first….

My 18mo loves flashing her tummy at us, probably because the first time she did it we all laughed. Look at that cheeky little tummy, type thing.
But I really can't imagine a scenario where one of her grandfathers was encouraging her to do it and lifting their own top. That is just bizarre, and I think I would be shocked if my FIL suddenly showed everyone his naked belly.

I think you can say you are teaching your DD to protect herself and that means he mustn't do anything that is about her undressing for anyone that isn't Mummy or Daddy ...so this kind of game even if innocent is how an abuser would start grooming and you don't want it to happen again.. if he's angry with that he cares more about himself than his GD and he is an unsuitable person for her to be around. I'm sorry you have this awful strain 💐💐💐💐

Trust your gut.

It's inappropriate.

It sounds like conditioning and paving the way for "now I'll show you whats in my pants . Your turn " 🤬

It might be innocent. But if it feels off, keep him at arms length and don't allow him to be alone with your daughter. He should know better , especially after warning about odd comments. Not worth the risk.

The one thing I've learnt when raising my kids is to always trust your parental instincts.

I'd say no more taking care of your children without you being there. And definitely call him out every time or, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, take DD out of the room or go home.

Listen to your gut. Better to be safe than sorry. Could be completely innocent but no way should you take the chance.

Trust you gut and make sure he is not alone with yoir daughter. And please be aware that some wives convince themselves they don’t know that their husband is abusing a child. I have been at the court cases.

I was going to say, you absolutely CANNOT put the burden onto MIL to be responsible for only changing nappies. You have absolutely no idea where her allegiance lies, whether she would agree there is any merit in your worries or any credence. You either watch out for any pointers that FIL is a predator and ergo don't leave the kids there at all, or you decide that the overstep was harmless and hes been made aware and its all fine.

If you still have a guttural reaction to him, you cant rely on them for the childcare

You’ve had some great answers here, so I don’t want to just add more of the same, but wanted to give you a virtual hug 🥰
Your anxiety screams from your OP, and I can imagine how hard it is trying to process all of the feelings you are experiencing whilst trying to balance a family dynamic.

Hang in there. Your DH sounds brilliant so you have a good team looking after your little girl.

Trust your gut and intuition, OP, and don’t leave him alone with her. You absolutely know best here.