AIBU red flag grandparent behaviour

[Mamaincognito]

Hi

im not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. please don’t be rude as im genuinely not sure and I’m open to opinions.

( it’s worth saying I’m a SA survivor and have had a tonne of therapy to live without this affecting me but it still crops up from time to time. )

for context:

when I met my in-laws within a week I knew something was up with FIL. I had a bad feeling he was being unfaithful from his behaviour and we all found out a few months after that he was for years. I didn’t trust my gut and didn’t say anything as I was new to the relationship and didn’t know him.

We are now on holiday and I’ve had a niggling knot about how he treats my DD, 18mnths, it’s very self serving, all about him and not her and he says things to gain a cheap laugh rather than connect with her. I’ve been commenting on this to support my daughter in a discrete and daughter-affirming way, I’ve not been horrible but kindly and firmly responded to try and put some boundaries in. There has been a visible shift in how he looks at me to be quite cold now (which I don’t care about but feels very telling).

tonight in front of a group of family he asked her unprovoked to lift her top up to show him her tummy multiple times with no relevance to the conversation and unprovoked. He then proceeded to get her to lift her top up by lifting his own top and showing her his full belly. This had set off a huge knot in my stomach, and that feels like a huge red flag to me if the other things weren’t already. I feel it’s a clear boundary that a grandad shouldn’t show his granddaughter his stomach or any other under clothes body part? Especially as a bribe to see hers?

my husband has spoken to him and said don’t do it again we don’t want her to learn it’s ok to show people parts of her body just because she’s asked to. He apologised.

there is just this massive warning flashing in my body that he isn’t safe to be around. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is actually really weird behaviour. AIBU?

I’m sorry I also do not agree with the simplistic view to ‘trust your gut’ as you come from a place of dislike and distrust for your father in law. A cheating husband does not equal paedophile !! (Although MN hatred of infidelity would make them appear in the same vein of heinous behaviour) . I think it would be grossly unfair to your DH to taint his view of his father in this way - and could chip away at his loyalty to you and him.

interestingly my DH is absolutely horrified and if he were your husband he would of asked you FIL to leave after he asked the second time . He says ALWAYS trust your guts !

so tricky one . Completely contrary opinions in one family !!

Yes, I think whatever you decide, you have to treat them as a unit.

Very different issue, but, for example, my ILs live with BIL, who owns a very large and dangerous dog.

I wouldn't leave my son there, because although I could trust my MIL not to allow them to come near each other, I couldn't trust FIL. But I also know that MIL DOES trust FIL, and wouldn't consider it risky to leave my son with him - and FIL wouldn't protect my son from the dog.

This is the crux of the matter. While it’s quite possible that it’s all very innocent, there is a real risk that it is not.
It is well documented that grooming starts early and often in plain sight. It is part of the power play that abusers get off on.

I feel it’s a clear boundary that a grandad shouldn’t show his granddaughter his stomach or any other under clothes body part?

I don't think the vast majority of adult men think of a child's belly (or their own) as a sexual/intimate body part, to be honest.

Your husband did the right thing by explaining you'd rather he didn't do it again, but I don't think that alone is a red flag

The man might, indeed, be a complete toad who cheats on his wife, and you obviously don't have to find him likeable or pleasant, but that really, really doesn't mean he's a paedophile.

Your child. Your rules. If I felt uncomfortable once I’d always feel uncomfortable. The bloke sounds a twat. He has zero respect for his wife. He’s proved that but been allowed to get away with it. I’d hate him for that let alone telling my dd to lift her clothes up. Fuck off from me.

I’m in the trust your gut brigade. We have had abuse in both sides a sibling on one side and FIL is currently being criminally investigated for sexually assaulting his much younger female neighbour. I have always thought he was massively off as a person so it completely did not surprise me.

I’m always more surprised by the women who try to undermine other women from protecting their children than I am about adult males behaving inappropriately sexually towards women and children. It is so unbelievably common, how do you make it to adulthood without breaking down that denial? Men have a huge problem in their culture that they don’t even try to grasp.