MIL staying for a few nights while going through divorce - causing issues between me and husband

[Biosblbay]

So I don’t have an amazing relationship with my MIL, she hasn’t been very fair, especially to my husband over the years, always took her soon to be ex husbands side over her own son, he even stopped us from going round their home to visit including her first grandchild which is our first born who is now almost 3 and she didn’t do anything about it, she is not very maternal, doesn’t help us an awful lot financially when she has so much money, just a very selfish person. She has just left a toxic marriage after years of myself and my husband (her son) warning her that it was a bad idea, it’s now become very problematic and even more toxic. The MIL only after a few days of filing divorce is now with someone new, who we have met, but it’s caused more problems with the soon to be ex husband resulting in her needing to leave her marital home. She isn’t allowed to stay round the new partners as his children have not welcomed her (they only lost their mum 7 months ago so it is all very quick for them to have another lady in their home), she is refusing to be around the ex husbands so my husband has now said she can stay here a few nights. Tonight is the second night, I am hoping it is the last but my husband has other plans….

so here is my issue, we have a 5 week old baby, still very new, our 3 year old is still adjusting to the new baby, it’s hectic, we are so tired, lots of change etc, so I have told him no that she cannot stay. He is becoming quite angry at this, saying that I am the one with the issue etc. I have been in my bedroom all night tonight just avoiding being around her, just found out she still isn’t here yet and it’s almost 10pm! She rocked up at 11pm last night which I just don’t think is acceptable. She decided to drink a whole bottle of wine in the living room to herself which I find unacceptable to do when we have young kids, I feel uncomfortable, I like to walk around naked in my own home, just be myself in my own home, still getting used to all this change to now this happening.

I just feel like she’s never helped us so why should we help her, she has 3 rental properties she could use in a worst case scenario, she has other family members, the new partner could just tell his kids that it’s his house so he can have who he wants to stay, she could just stay in the marital home, but I feel like the burden is on us (especially me) and the fact my husband doesn’t accept my views and feelings and considers his mums more is really upsetting me and stressing me out.

Just to mention, I do feel really guilty, it makes me angry with myself that I can’t just go “yeah that’s fine of course she can stay”, I do of course have a lot of things that I cannot let go that have happened in the past and that I see how she has treated her own son (my husband), but I do know it’s still his mum at the end of the day, it’s just such awkward timing with a baby. I just don’t need all this added stress.

I think you need to separate your feelings.

Just because she has money doesn’t mean she should give you any and your views on her soon to be ex are odd. She’s an adult and can make her own choices.

I would absolutely be saying to your DH that either she goes to a hotel or you will. Having a houseguest 5 weeks after giving birth is a big no no!

@Dazzlemered with the money side of things, it’s because when he asks for help if we really struggle one month he gets told no, but his younger bother and sister get money from her at the click of a finger. Just upsets me he gets treated so differently, it’s not the fact that I want or need the money, it’s how he is singled out, it’s really sad :(

thank you, it’s all very new still, so much adjusting and my hormones are probably not helping at all. But I am also breast feeding so that makes it more difficult as well

I think your husband is unreasonable. You have a 5 week old baby and a toddler. It's a very tricky and exhausting time. I certainly wouldnt have wanted overnight guests at that time. I understand why your husband wants to put her up. Shes his mum and he feels like he needs to support her but i do think you need a definitive end date to the arrangement. A few days is loosey goosey for me. I would to know that she will be out by x date, no ifs or buts. Then you can pace yourself and get through those days. Realistically, I don't understand why she can't get an air b&b for a few days. Also, what's going to change in a few days to resolve her issue and living arrangements?

Have you said that last bit to your DH?
Do you have your own mum? Is your DH out all day at work?

@HelloHellNo yeah 100% I get that it’s his mum as I mentioned above and I wish I could be more accommodating but this is the worst time for it to happen ever! It’s always going to be horrible having someone stay regardless I think, you loose your privacy etc, but it’s just more difficult to accept with our current circumstances.

she has been staying in an air BnB but it’s becoming costly so that’s why the husband has told her she can stay here. This is something we didn’t really discuss either, he didn’t run it by me first so I’ve just sort of been dumped with it.

Your husband is being unreasonable, it is so unfair on you with a five week old baby.
She can't be a very nice person to impose herself on you at this time.

How dare he do this to you 5 weeks post partum????????

You have a massive DH problem. I'd be tempted to tell him MIL goes and if he doesn't like it, he can go with her.

I'm very angry on your behalf.

At the very least get angry. Get out of your room. Boobs out, naked, whatever, live like she's not there.

@FTM09q24 I agree! Reading everyone’s comments is making me realise now that I am not actually crazy or being out of order at all, someone even said that she cannot be a very nice person to impose on us during this time which is very true! It’s just making me realise more how I am not being supported by either husband or MIL.

she has only just got here, 22:44 at night after being out for dinner with her new man, our 2 dogs barking, which has made me even more mad! I can’t sleep over this either which is affecting me because I need the sleep more than ever. I have told my husband tonight is the last night!

I think your DH is so chuffed shes turned to him this one time hes eager to please

It is an imposition and she is being selfish, particularly as it sounds like she’s not even there to help a bit. I’d give her until the weekend to sort alternative arrangements. She can give notice to the tenants of one of the rentals and stay there in a couple of months. In the meantime she should stay with her other children or air b n b it again.

You gave birth 5 weeks ago.

that alone means no houseguests unless you want them.

I just feel like she’s never helped us so why should we help her, she has 3 rental properties she could use in a worst case scenario,

She can't turn tenants out with no notice, so that she can stay there for a few days!!!!

Have you the slightest idea how long it takes to get a tenant out of a rental property?

@saraclara they are air bnbs, sorry I should have made that clearer, so she has bookings but could cancel them.

This! It’s terrible timing. She can afford the B&B easily or she can go and stay with one of the golden children.

@DarklingIlisten someone else said about this with the money, I should have made it more clear, but I didn’t want to go into too much detail, it’s not that I want money, it’s that she has so much of it, gives it to the other 2 younger siblings at the click of a finger but when my husband asks for some help he gets told “sorry I am skint” so he gets treated differently, that’s my issue with this, I promise it’s nothing to do with the fact we don’t get anything, it’s more how he is singled out and the fact she has come to us for help annoys me when I see my husband get treated like the runt of the litter at times :(

I'd be walking around naked and doing what I liked in my own house and she'd have to lump it.

Ask her to make herself useful by taking the toddler to the park each day while she's staying. I'm not generally in favour of demanding family do chores when they turn up after a new baby, but this is an exception given she's essentially foisted herself on you.

@CrispieCake I am not sure if this changes things, personally I think it’s worse, but she does work full time, so she is out the door by 8am, but back at 7/8pm, however due to the new boyfriend she’s been seeing him in the evenings and rocking up back at ours for 11pm, so using it more as a pit stop, so she isn’t actually here all day, but it’s the fact we never know when she is going to turn up. Some days she does work from home so there could be the odd occasion she will be working from ours. But I actually think this is worse in my opinion, but this might change others.

What did your DH say when you said this is her last night?

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight!

@Dazzlemered a little defensive but I’ve had to use mums net once again to sort of prove my point so he will be telling her tonight that this is the last night, even though he doesn’t particularly want to, but he gets it to some extent. I just wish he would one day just do the right thing from the start to avoid all of this. Unfortunately still awake due to the stress of this all and I’m just wide awake with rage! Thoughts running round as well which isn’t helping! 😫 tomorrow will be a fresh start and a much needed early night!

Can she stay with another one of her children?