To want to use my sick days to recover, not be childcare / housewife

[Offloadontome]

I recently had a bit of a mental breakdown and had to be signed off work sick with stress. I'd been having physical symptoms of anxiety, constantly feeling overwhelmed, tearful, snapping at my kids and not enjoying anything in life really. I had pressure coming in at me from all sides, both work and the mental load of home life. My skin and bowels (sorry TMI) have been awful and the GP started me on some anti anxiety medication.

I've been off work for a few weeks, the first couple of weeks I spent unable to do much and almost "coming back to earth", and the GP advised me to spend some time trying to relax, not do all the things, and take pressure off so I can recover. It's now school holidays. I'd already booked the kids into some holiday clubs in advance on a few odd days, but lots of days not booked. I've had them on days they've not been booked in, leaving me with very little time to actually think or relax. I've also ended up picking up the slack at home since I'm here, but it's like DH has now presumed I'll do it since I'm not at work and he's stopped pulling his weight, so I'm spending a large chunk of time also doing all the bloody jobs and not spending much of my sick leave actual recovering.

I've just had my sick note extended, and DH asked me if he can now cancel the ONE day annual leave he'd booked to cover a days childcare as I can have them since I'm off.

I genuinely may as well just go back to work, AIBU to say no and that if I was physically ill he wouldn't be asking this? I feel like I need to actually use some time to do some self help and god help me if I don't I think I'll end up in a much worse state or end up murdering someone.

Please be kind, I know AIBU can be a hateful place but I'm struggling with my mental health, with so much guilt on all sides, and feel so unsupported. If I was at work they would be in holiday clubs regardless and I am currently receiving sick pay.

He’s asked, so just say no and ask him to pull his weight so you can recover. Not much you can do about having your kids in the holidays, but they will be back in school in a few weeks so hopefully you can relax more then. Make sure you go back to the GP if the medication isn’t helping after the initial settling in period.

Why aren't they in the holiday clubs they would have been in anyway?

If you need to prioritise yourself, do so.

Clearly your DH is part of the problem in the first place.

Find some selfishness (which he clearly does not lack) and say no.

Put your mental health first. You won't be good for anything, if you don't. Do what's right for you ❤️

YANBU.
You need to rest. Tell DH this.

Hr needs to support you, pull his weight and take some off you especially if you have the DC in the holidays.

Can you use your time with your kids to exercise or find nature. Both proven to help MH.

What were the original childcare arrangements throughout the summer holidays? Can you revert to these, so you have your days free?

Tell him he’s taking that day off and you’ll be going to a spa. I appreciate that a spa isn’t everyone’s thing, so whatever your thing is you should do that. I was signed off for two weeks in June with stress (first time for me, but a few friends reported similar when I told them about it) and a day in a spa with my phone locked away in the locker so I couldn’t even check it did me the world of good.

If you don’t get the rest you need it will delay you going back to work, and eventually that will hit family finances. Maybe you need to point that out to your DH

oh op that is disappointing. I agree you should probably go back to work and put the kids in clubs because this sounds even more stressful than being in work!

You must have saved money if you’re on full pay and haven’t had to pay for childcare (2 weeks x 2 kids should be about £300) so could you use that money to make life easier - get a cleaner once a fortnight or get a take-away once a week for a month?

Thank you. I had booked some days in advance (I need a specific setting for my longer work days and they need advance notice) then I had left some of the days later in the holidays (my shorter work days) to book into nearer the time, as I thought I'd let her choose (there's a lot more availability for settings with shorter days).

It does feel wrong to book her in when I'm at home, but that was the plan all along it just happens I'm now off sick. And I guess this is part of the problem - I put a lot of pressure on myself and feel guilty as I've got an opportunity to spend time with my kids which I'll never get again - but that's not what this is about. I need to get better and it's not about the kids. it's always at my own expense. I do need to start prioritising myself and it's good to have some perspective.

The problem with mental health is that it is not immediately obvious to other people how much you are suffering, if you are 'reverting to type' and picking up the slack at home, you are not doing yourself any favours and you are giving off the impression that you are coping, but it doesn't sound like you are.

Flat no to his request to cancel his leave, I would have been insulted by the question to be honest, it's a good indication into his mindset of your illness and he needs correcting, you may need to communicate more about how bad you are feeling, and tell DH that while you are going through the motions for everyone else's sake you don't feel like you are able to recover with things the way they are.

Could you carve out time for yourself every single day where you aren't to be disturbed (even if you have to go out) and just tell DH what you need him to do, be it laundry, cooking, cleaning etc, entertaining the kids etc, some men seem to work better with instructions rather than trying to pre-empt what needs doing, so make sure he knows what he is meant to be doing, you stop taking over for him and just concentrate on what you need for your recovery.

Just for clarity I usually book 3 days holiday club, I take a days annual leave each week or grandparents might help, and I don't work Fridays so I always have the kids then. My youngest is still in nursery so she is there regardless. DH does get less annual leave than me, and I'm happy to do the days I'd already planned - but I just feel like now I'm not at work everyone else wants that time and it's no longer mine to use to recover.

Thank you to the poster that suggested a spa day - I think I will definitely book into something. I'd bought a couple of self help books, got some knitting bits and looked around a gym to try find things to help me, but so far haven't had much time to actually do any of them and I haven't even got a quarter of the way through one of the books!

I'm speaking to the GP tomorrow though and asking for a medication increase so maybe I won't care about upsetting people by asserting some better boundaries once I'm a bit more drugged up! 🙈

DH is going to honour his day, but I just don't think he gets it.

Say no and try and make him understand your not mentally well right now and you should all be focusing on that as much as possible. X

Hang on, so you have a DC at full time nursery, another at clubs for 3 days, giving you 3 days to help recover? What does recovery actually look like?

Really? Is the judgement necessary? Also if you pay attention she said she USUALLY books 3 days, not that she has that booked now.

I would book her in. She keeps the routine that she's probably used to anyway and you get some time to yourself.

I’ve been your husband OP. It’s not easy doing a full day’s work and then having to sort out all childcare/life admin etc while supporting your partner who then focuses exclusively on themselves.

I suspect your characterisation of him as “not pulling his weight” is grossly unfair.

Which is why I am asking what does recovery look like? What's the plan so everyone in the household is aware of expectations.
As someone who suffered with PPA i know how hard it is..

Then you could have posted in a way that sounded supportive rather than judgemental. Taking the 3 days is a good idea if she can get the holiday club space but her DH still needs to carry on doing his share. 3 days to herself when off sick and still having to do everything around the house may well not be enough

I’m not off on sick leave but I posted a very similar post about feeling unsupported and guilty that I was prioritising working on my mental health. My DH told me I needed to get out of bed because it wasn’t fair on the kids and he just didn’t get it so I know where you are coming from.

Sit down with DH and tell him what exactly you need. Make sure the kids are booked into summer club as much as possible. Book yourself a cleaner if you can afford it. I would pick a small thing to achieve each day around the house so that DH knows he can ignore that task e.g washing the dishes or putting away the clean laundry dry. And reassure your DH that this should only be a temporary measure, but if you’re given the support and time to work on your mental health, you’ll be a lot more help to all of them and family life will be so much improved.

No, your comment is grossly unfair. The entire mental load falls on me at home usually. I usually do all the getting ready, drop offs and pick ups. I sort out all the kids appointments, getting their necessary things, I book all the holiday care, I sort out our holidays and social life, childcare if I manage to sort us a date night falls to me, meal plans, shopping lists, responding to party invitations, getting rid of clothes that no longer fit, replacing outgrown shoes. If I ask DH to do something he will do it, but make no mistake that he's not coming home from work to support me and sort everything else out. Both our kids have birthdays this month - guess who's sorted out gifts, treats, birthday plans? Why do you think I'm off work - was it not clear in my OP that the pressures and mental load both at home and at work are too much? I have a highly stressful job and I also work my hours around our children to fit in things that benefit everyone else. My post is saying that while I'm off sick I'm also picking up extra housework now because I'm at home therefore it's expected, rather than trying to rest to prevent myself from having an actual stroke. (Which I'm genuinely worried about).
Do you not think a decent partner should be encouraging their burnt out spouse to take time to get better rather than pour more onto them because they have finally managed to take one stressing factor out of the equation to carve out time for calm?

Difference is though it doesn’t sound like OPs DH is taking on all the childcare, all the life admin, all on top of a full time job.
It does sound like he isn’t pulling his weight, he’s coming home from work and doing less than he normally would because OP is home to do it (she’s not home to do all the jobs she’s home on sick)

Thank you. Honestly I appreciate this so much.

I have just spoken to DH and he has clarified he doesn't expect me to do extra housework or to not book the holiday clubs as planned. He doesn't care about saving money while I'm off. He's also acknowledged he needs to actually say this in order for me to know this. I do realise that I've clearly been taking too much on and perceiving all this pressure when it's probably coming from myself - but I guess the point is I need time to break free from this and form better habits and ensure I have better support. I just need to stop doing all the things.

Focus on you. Don't feel guilty for sending the children to holiday camp. Yes, hubby can stay off work thst day and see to the children. Treat it like as though you were physically ill. Yes nature great, but you probably need to process things alone, space and peace and quiet, hard when you have children.

Wishing you well and sending a hug 🫂

Your problem is your husband. No amount of time of or medication is going to make him: sort clothes and uniforms, plan birthdays, sort shopping, make appointments etc.

Stop being your own worst enemy. Leave the housework, just focus on yourself and the kids while DH is at work and then you can hand over to him as soon as he's home.

Burn out can have long lasting effects OP, take your recovery seriously. Sometimes you have to be selfish and put yourself before everyone else.

Im sorry to hear you've gone through this, I'm currently on the brink of spiralling and need some rest too.

Please take time for yourself or you will end up knackered, angry and resentful on top of feeling unwell. Tell him you need him on that day as you have plans to rest and are relying on him. Go out in the morning and come back in the afternoon, have lunch and a read (or whatever relaxes you) and make sure you rest.