To want to use my sick days to recover, not be childcare / housewife

[Offloadontome]

I recently had a bit of a mental breakdown and had to be signed off work sick with stress. I'd been having physical symptoms of anxiety, constantly feeling overwhelmed, tearful, snapping at my kids and not enjoying anything in life really. I had pressure coming in at me from all sides, both work and the mental load of home life. My skin and bowels (sorry TMI) have been awful and the GP started me on some anti anxiety medication.

I've been off work for a few weeks, the first couple of weeks I spent unable to do much and almost "coming back to earth", and the GP advised me to spend some time trying to relax, not do all the things, and take pressure off so I can recover. It's now school holidays. I'd already booked the kids into some holiday clubs in advance on a few odd days, but lots of days not booked. I've had them on days they've not been booked in, leaving me with very little time to actually think or relax. I've also ended up picking up the slack at home since I'm here, but it's like DH has now presumed I'll do it since I'm not at work and he's stopped pulling his weight, so I'm spending a large chunk of time also doing all the bloody jobs and not spending much of my sick leave actual recovering.

I've just had my sick note extended, and DH asked me if he can now cancel the ONE day annual leave he'd booked to cover a days childcare as I can have them since I'm off.

I genuinely may as well just go back to work, AIBU to say no and that if I was physically ill he wouldn't be asking this? I feel like I need to actually use some time to do some self help and god help me if I don't I think I'll end up in a much worse state or end up murdering someone.

Please be kind, I know AIBU can be a hateful place but I'm struggling with my mental health, with so much guilt on all sides, and feel so unsupported. If I was at work they would be in holiday clubs regardless and I am currently receiving sick pay.

I definitely need to do something about this. We've recently talked about having a list of things that are shared tasks, so we can both see it and tick off. He's more bothered with the visible things - to be fair to him he does usually do a fair share of the housework. But the mental load, unless I delegate, he just doesn't even realise it's there. If I ask him, he does it. If I don't ask it's usually not getting done and it's usually me that suffers because there's no food in to feed the kids with, or I have to run out for a last minute party gift. I don't think there's much of an answer for that.

I completely accept I'm my own worst enemy in a lot of ways but that's partly why I'm in this mess and really do need the time to make changes. Any great tips on not giving a fuck and being a lazier parent would be great!

Apologies OP. I didn’t realise that you’d had to carry on doing all of throughout your sick leave. I had assumed - especially after your breakdown when you were unable to do much - that he would have been worried about you and kept things ticking over. If he refused to help when you were completely out of it I think you are in LTB territory.

I didn’t mean to label your DH unfairly, you mentioned to a previous poster your DH is working then coming home and doing nothing. Hence my comment.

It’s not easy doing a full day’s work and then having to sort out all childcare/life admin etc while supporting your partner who then focuses exclusively on themselves.

I think women know that more than anybody tbh.

I don't know what you can do OP. There are women who've posted on here about being almost completely immobile and practically on their deathbed and they're still being asked what's for dinner. Going back to work before you're ready probably isn't the answer. If your OH won't show up for you then he's adding to your stress. I think that says what it says.

Maybe you could go out mid morning for a walk, coffee. You could drive to a nearby town to do this. Take your time. I find that going for breakfast/coffee looking round shops is very relaxing.

It may not be enough to solve burnout but at least it is a few hours away and doing something nice.

Get a cleaner and book dc into as many clubs as you can. You still have evenings at home with dh and dc.

Can you assign each of you a child and you’re each in charge of birthday etc for that child?

I know this is the example that’s always used but what if you had injuries that meant you couldn't walk or use your hands?? It enrages me that people still don’t understand that poor mental health renders you less capable of doing things, just like having flu or ME or a broken leg. You are unwell, the doctor has said you’re not fit to work and you need time and space to recover.

Honestly OP, I'd be taking some time to think about the future and how to make things easier going forward. A bit of leave isn't the answer in the long term. Do you work full time? If so, can you go part-time? Yes, you'll have less money, but somehow you'll manage. Downsize the house if you need to.

Well, yes. I am one.

But I have walked in OP’s husband’s shoes in the sense that my DH had a complete breakdown, was off work for months, needed a huge amount of support, and I had to pick up absolutely everything. Much harder than sharing the workload, even imperfectly.

It is a different level of juggling (unless you are talking about DHs who normally make zero contributions).

It's no different to being unwell with the flu. You would go to bed and recover. Your partner would support you and take on extra load.

It isn't 'focusing exclusively on yourself', it's recovery. If the OP's husband wants her to recover, then he needs to take some of the load off.

I agree with this.

Perhaps think about your sick leave from your employer’s perspective and it might help you to put up boundaries to give yourself time to recover.

You are off work sick over school holidays, not using childcare because you are home looking after them yourself, and potentially being paid in full to do so. This means you can’t recover and so your return to work is likely to take longer. From their perspective that’s not fair either.

It's not a long term solution, but it's necessary in the short term. This is exactly what I'm trying to do. I've a few self help books specifically for burnout. Awaiting CBT, and work are organising occy health. I'll be putting boundaries in place when I go back and making sure I don't take on too much, push back on any unreasonable demands etc - I just need to make sure that I'm strong enough to assert them and that I have a plan and strategies. At the minute I still feel pretty awful.

In the long run I'm seriously thinking about finding a different job, but that's not simple and is a last resort. I have already reduced my hours to try and reduce stress, but it's papering over the cracks really and I've ended up using the extra time to just fit in extra jobs at home.

I have holiday clubs booked now until the end of summer and I won't feel guilty about it. I like the breakfast and coffee idea. That does sound relaxing.

I have had my medication increased today and I've got a lot of further thinking to do.

Thanks for all the replies and advice so far it's very helpful.

Funny, I've done this for dentist appointments recently and assigned him a child to take with him, and it is miles easier. Why do we just automatically do everything ourselves? I was carting them both with me each time before, because they were both registered at my dentist. Now I only take one. Easier to book, easier to go.
I think I'll apply this logic to every other thing now 😂. Genuinely.
I'm honestly so done doing everything and tbh home is probably where all the unnecessary pressure comes from - mostly from me. I need to just stop doing it all and let things not get done / let someone else realise it needs doing!

I home educate my children and use holiday activities to get a break over the summer as my oh travels most of it and I have chronic health conditions, so I can be back full throttle after the hols. This week my son is at dance 4 hrs a day, so not full time, but I've rested whilst he's been there, we did chores together when he got home and watched a programme and did some crafts together but separately. You have to work out what's best for you and your family whilst you recover. I also ordered same day shopping from Amazon to save having to go to the supermarket.

Take care.

I wondered about this too. I have been on your side @Offloadontome where I had very severe mental health issues for a long period of time.

I’m not sure that giving over days to recovering by withdrawing from life is the way to go being honest. Recovery is an active process whereby either via therapy or journaling or reading you start to reframe your situation. If you withdraw from life I personally believe you are going to make what is clearly a bad situation far worse.

I genuinely think that getting out of your head far more by focusing on others rather than your own issues for decent periods of the day is more helpful than staying in bed. Mental illness is very different to physical illness in that regard.

I know my husband had a lot to do for a period of time while I was recovering and I genuinely think he needed me to get as involved in family life as much as possible while I was doing that.

Like any illness the whole family gets the illness and suffers from it so it is just about trying to get a bit of balance in the situation.

Tell him if you can’t get peace at home to recover you will go else where, alone.

Edited to say:
i do think you need to pull your weight also, whilst recovering or you could end up with a husband in the same place as you.

YANBU to want to recover BUT working a full-time job and taking care of things at home while your partner is suffering burnout is also not easy, so I would try to extend some empathy to your DH too. Can you arrange for childcare on your DH's day off so you can both get a break for example?