If your father is a very unkind and manipulative person, do you go to their funeral?

[Poodlelove]

Is it awful to not go ?
I am debating this as none of my family are going to go , sister , sons , daughter nobody.

I went to mine.

Not if you don't want to. It's your choice.

I’m not sure how to vote because you haven’t said your preference, but I don’t think any decision is unreasonable. My father is as described. I will go to his funeral. I imagine all my siblings will too.
My brother died, also as described. He didn’t have a funeral (his choice), but I would have went. His children had mixed views on whether they would have, but weren’t given an option anyway.
Very few people, if any, are all bad and when it’s family and you know surrounding circumstances, it’s just not clear cut. Both my dad and brother had awful abusive upbringings themselves. It doesn’t excuse it or make it ok, but I also knew their good sides. I would also want to say goodbye for my own closure.

It’s “not awful to not go”. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. Some people find the “closure” of a funeral to be useful. Other people find it too hard to attend the funeral of someone who has hurt them. Don’t judge your family for their choices and don’t accept any judgement from them about your choices. This is one of those situations where everyone needs to muddle through the best they can while trying to protect their own peace. Wishing you well with whatever you decide

Up to you. What's the best way for you to have closure, do you think?

I think you might regret not going but you wouldn't regret going.

If someone was going to be saying nice things about him, I'd be less likely to go and would let them get on with it.

If it was just a service with nothing personal, that would be different.

What you should be asking yourself is:-

Will going to the funeral be of any benefit to me?
Will it bring me closure?

You should probably also ask yourself:-

Will going cause me more problems than it will solve?
Meaning will this put you at odds with your family and cause more issues.

What it boils down to is your own health and well being.

The funeral isn't for him, it's for everyone left.

If you think it will help you, go. If not, don't.

I don't think there's a right and wrong answer to this. It's ultimately your choice. No one would blame you if you didn't go.

What I would say, though, is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. If you don't go it may cause problems in your relationships with other family members. While that may not be fair, it's worth just considering if you're ready for the fallout if you don't go. On balance it might just be easier to bite the bullet and do it.

will be in your shoes at some point.
I think on balance I'll probably go. As someone else on here has said, it'll be closure for me. I don't owe him any respect or emotion.

You may not shed a tear, you may not eulogise falsely but if you choose to go you see him put to rest. Ultimately you chose for your closure.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Will there be anyone going you care about you’d like to offer support to? Do you feel you’d benefit from the closure a funeral service can give you? Go if either of these questions would be answered yes.

The only other reason to go is if your attendance/lack of attendance will be noticed and you’ll be asked about, and it would be emotionally easier for you to sit through an hour or so funeral than have to repeatedly explain why you didn’t go. But this is really just something to consider if you live in a small community etc.

Yes and have a little dance by the grave (when the others have left)

No right answer but I think its best to go for closure and also to connect with others. It's a complicated grief, I think going can only be of benefit. But I'm not in your shoes and never was so my opinion may not count so much.

It’s very much a case of what it will do for you. I didn’t need closure, I had that when I chose to walk away from him in life, and felt only relief when I heard he was dead. You may feel differently, and that’s fine, choose what is best for you.

I think I will go when it happens for closure for myself

I certainly won’t attend my mother’s funeral. She was NC with her own mother, sister, and all except one of my siblings.

She is actually evil. Why would I go?

You don’t choose your parents. Therefore you must do what you feel is right for you.

I will not be going to my mother's funeral. There will be people there who, I am sure, will have nice things to say about her and nice memories of her. Sadly, I'm not one of them.

My parents are in their 80s, so this has been on my mind a lot recently. They have actually made it much easier for me, by moving to a place 2 ferry journeys and three long drives away. I wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment, anyway, and their treatment of me has certainly not made me inclined to try.

They have other, better (younger, better-looking, more successful, thinner etc etc etc) children who can go. Except they won't, because only I ever did anything for them, until I realised exactly how unhealthy the whole family dynamic was.

There are people for whom I would move Heaven and earth, and I would never miss their funerals. Those people have shown me kindness and care. Sadly, my parents never have.

I didn't have a close relationship with my dad. Not abusive, just a very selfish man also intent on self destruction. I went to his funeral just to close off that chapter and I'm glad I did.

I didn't go to my father's funeral, and I have never lost any sleep over it.

He wasn't abusive as such, because he wasn't there to be anything. He ran off when I was four, only had very minimal contact throughout my life, four visits and about 6 letters in 50 years, and 2 of those were written by his then wife.

He wasn't worth the bus fare.

My dad is like this and although I have 0 interest in attending his funeral (when the time comes) I will do to support my sisters.

Did you feel upset when you found out ?
Thank you for your reply and reading my post.

If I don't go , only his wife will be there , she is just as bad .

I think I am executor of their wills alongside another person but this was made before his recent behaviour.