Odd little thing at my father's funeral

[TheQuirkyMaker]

I have little contact with my family. When my father passed away, my mother told me that my brother's children (about 10 yrs old) would not be able to attend as they had other priorities. He would give the eulogy. As it turned out, they popped up to give little speeches about their "beloved grandad". It was obviously planned as a pleasant surprise. And I unreasonable to think that a funeral is not the venue to spring surprises or hope to score brownie points? (It is possibly not relevant that no one missed him as he was a nasty man.)

That’s all a bit strange. And exactly the sort of shit my mother would pull as she is about appearances not reality. Feeling a bit sad for the kids who are props to someone else’s show it seems.

Doesn’t matter really, as it’s done now, and you don’t have much to do with your family anyhow. I doubt it will cheer you up to criticise them for their choices, in any healthy way.

What difference does any of this make to you? Your DD is dead, you have little contact with your family. It's all a bit of meaningless nonsense. Choose your battles.

I’ve seen more rows about ways to bury and have funerals for people than I care to remember. People get weird ideas in their heads and behave out of character. This is a moment to be as accepting as you can manage and to hope that the special tap dance or whatever cousin Amelia is going to do doesn’t go on too long. It meant something to them at the time; try to move on.

Is it possible that they changed their minds/schedule and no one told you as they don’t talk to you much?

Perhaps the kids surprised their dad by actually wanting to do something nice for their grandad's funeral.

What do you think the circumstances were, that your mother believed what she was telling you and your brother sprung this surprise, which is just weird, why would he potentially upset people by saying his kids didn't care and then be all 'ha! Tricked you! Such fun at the funeral!'

Or was it your mother saying something she knew was untrue?

It's a bit strange to spring the surprise, even because I can't imagine what the order of service looked like, as that tells everyone what's going to happen next.

Not sure I'd see it as a brownie point thing but it's certainly odd.

If you aren't in touch much, they probably just didn't think to tell you there was a change of plan, it doesn't sound like anything unusual. I'm sorry for your loss, sometimes those with the worst parent relationships seem to feel it more when the parent dies.

Can you elaborate why this bothered you op? Was it that your brother hadn't cleared it with you first? Were you the main organiser?

This, did your children not then attend as you were told his wouldn't?

If you've got kids too it would look odd for some grandkids to be involved and not others. It's odd to spring surprises at a funeral

I would assume a lack of communication rather than a surprise or anything sinister. There's always so little time to arrange a funeral. Why does it bother you?

It's a bit attention seeking isn't it? "Look at my children! We've got them to put on a performance at a funeral by reading something to everyone! Aren't they amazing??" It just seems a bit inappropriate, really. I wonder which adult put them up to it, DB or your DM.

Yes, I'd also assume it was a simple mis-step in communication rather than a plan, especially if you're not generally in contact with them.

(Did your mother actually say that your nievces/nephews aged around 10 'wouldn't be attending because they had other priorities', though? That makes them sound like harassed middle-aged professionals, rather than young children with a ballet class or football match, and would be the odd thing for me.)

it is a big ask of children, and seems inappropriate for the occasion

Sometimes people do things to take their mind off the crap that’s going on, I don’t know that it’s always necessarily point scoring, they just have an idea. Sorry for your loss

I agree that planning a surprise for a funeral is odd. Probably not worth worrying about though. Sorry for your loss - even though you weren't close to him, I am sure it's a difficult thing to get your head around.

I'm sorry about your dad.

I think tributes from grandchildren at a funeral are entirely appropriate and not odd at all. That is not a 'surprise' at a funeral.

I have a fractured relationship with my mother and would struggle to deliver her eulogy, but she has a good relationship with her grandchildren, so I would think it fair play if they wanted to speak. Even if they said they couldn't make it but then turned up last minute with platitudes written on the back of an envelope. I wouldn't see it as 'brownie points'. Who with anyway?! The will's been written. God?!

Yes, it's a bit weird, but it sounds like your birth family dynamics aren't great anyway and this is just one more reason to keep on swerving them.

I totally get why you think it's weird. My dad lived with me for his final years and one of my brothers only visited on Fathers Day, his birthday and Christmas. He lives 19 miles away. After dad died he posted on Facebook about his 'wonderful' father and how he's going to miss him. It was during COVID and I messaged everyone that I would arrange the funeral after lockdown. My brother's never enquired when it would be and our northern relatives made all sorts of excuses as to why they couldn't attend so in the end I didn't bother.

I find any type of funeral odd. I try to avoid them. My wish is for a direct cremation preferably after being euthanised or dropping dead. No service. No fuss. Any ashes can be returned to the earth 🌍

Why do you think it was a surprise?
Rather than they couldn’t come but then they could?

If it was genuinely a surprise then it’s very odd but I wouldn’t be upset about it.

Perhaps as part of your grief you want to be annoyed at someone or maybe you’re angry at your dad.

Someone just wanted their kids to perform.
Would annoy me too.
Can't stand showing off at funerals ... especially by family members who did very little when the deceased was alive.

It sounds like your brother told your mother the children had other engagements that day so they could surprise her with the speeches. It is an odd thing to do for a funeral, it's more of a birthday thing I suppose. Bob can't make it....then on the night OMG Bob turns up to the surprise of all 💃