Odd little thing at my father's funeral

[TheQuirkyMaker]

I have little contact with my family. When my father passed away, my mother told me that my brother's children (about 10 yrs old) would not be able to attend as they had other priorities. He would give the eulogy. As it turned out, they popped up to give little speeches about their "beloved grandad". It was obviously planned as a pleasant surprise. And I unreasonable to think that a funeral is not the venue to spring surprises or hope to score brownie points? (It is possibly not relevant that no one missed him as he was a nasty man.)

It may not have been 'planned as a special surprise' as such, it may be that they wanted to do it, or they wanted the children to be there, but didn't want to put pressure on them if they didn't think they could handle being there or giving any speeches on the day.

I find people do have a habit of idealise relationships after people have died though, it's not really scoring brownie points, but it is weird, or it may be that the grandchildren have had a different experience of him, I know someone who was a horrible dad to his children, but was like a completely different person when his grandchildren came along.. very weird and jarring.

I also know someone who was a terrible dad and he was gushed about at his funeral by his wife and children.. who he was awful to, and every year the social media posts come out.. none of which represent reality, but it obviously helps them cope in some way.

Either way I wouldn't give it a second thought if you can, you know more than anyone what having a shit parent does to people, everyone reacts differently to death and it's not unusual to grieve and miss the person you wish he could have been, not the person he actually was.

@TheQuirkyMaker My condolences for the loss of your father.

I voted for "YANBU" to think it was weird.

I agree with previous posters too though, that it might have been a miscommunication about who was attending the funeral.
And I agree with what @PermanentTemporary wrote.

I wish you peace and comfort, OP.

I agree. Its not a surprise 40th.

Just because you wouldn't do it it does not mean that your brother thought it would be a nice touch to surprise his grieving family with a beautiful eulogy delivered by his child.
Some people are intent on finding cause for annoyance everywhere they go.

Was it a surprise, or just a change of plans that nobody informed you about?

A friend of mine is a celebrant, and she gave up doing funerals because she couldn’t stand the arguing.

Funerals are strange and some people, always the none important people (like a 2nd cousin who insists it has to be the nearest crematorium to their house or they won't come even though their carer for beloved 90 year old aunt Betty whose now distraught because she can't get their without her carer or the new girlfriend of deceased brother who insists everything must be gluten free organic vegan or the neighbor down the street who invited themselves and talk non stop about their own deceased loved one who died 20 years ago not letting anyone get a word in etc...) are twats.

Its 'inheritance' that normally drives nails through the actual family though, in the funeral stage the ones that cared are usually still dazed and muddling through.

Clearly not ‘meaningless nonsense’ to her. Generally, when you’re talking to somebody about a family member’s funeral, it’s best not to be flippant.

Depends on whether the children wanted to do it, he may have been nice to them. Kids often like to do such things at funerals but that is usually when the deceased is a positive part of their life. You say he was a nasty man, did they find him nasty?

I fail to see how brownie points enter into it.

It's done now and over, didn't last long. Don't be resentful, just live your life.

Sometimes people behave strangely at funerals and it's more than grief that is at play - often guilt comes into it.

My sister was very annoyed at a eulogy given by a younger brother at my father's funeral - if he could stand up to make a speech why the heck didn't he visit the old man while he was ill instead of leaving all the work to her? It made him look good, I expect. No-one is going to challenge on that occasion as it's an inappropriate time and place.

I'd try to let it go OP as you can't change it.

I think I would find it a bit odd and attention seeking, but would just eye roll and couldn't be arsed giving it much headspace.

It must have been difficult to go, and the children of unpleasant parents often really struggle with their funerals. So I can see how jarring and disconcerting it could be to have this change. To me, it sounds really odd, but I come from a tradition where eulogies are not normally given.

OP, I honestly think that your best way forward is to lump this in with your family's other problematic behaviour, and try to leave it all behind you.

Yes, exactly. "Hey, kids, let's put the fun into funeral!"

It's a bit odd to describe the grandchildren as "having other priorities" when it's a grandparent's funeral that's being discussed. It makes it sound like they can't be arsed- it's not a neutral way of announcing that they won't be coming.
If there was a timetable issue, ( the only really acceptable one being Johnny has his GCSEs that day) then surely you'd say so.
But it's not unusual for children to give a speech or read a poem at a funeral. What is odd is for a "surprise" to be manufactured like this, and OP ,YANBU.

It is a bit unusual, hopefully they didn’t put it on insta.