To think siblings aren’t automatically worth keeping in your life?

[ForRealTealCrow]

We’re told “family is family” but sometimes siblings are toxic, competitive, or just not good for you. AIBU to think being related doesn’t equal lifelong loyalty?

My brother is utterly horrendous. We are no contact. It’s sad as we were close but he has drunk too much and taken too many drugs and we now hate each other.

No point maintaining a relationship with anyone who makes you unhappy IMO, particularly when they’re not going to change.

Absolutely !

I've noticed a real swing towards people asserting their boundaries, stating their needs, and owning who they choose to have in their life. In years gone by it was very much 'but it's family' and people were expected to put up and shut up with awful behaviour if it was from someone they had blood ties to. It's so amazing to see this change. It is often mocked online I think, by people saying that everyone is willing to 'go no contact' at the drop of a hat over next to nothing. But that's an exaggeration and it's actually really healthy that people are pushing back against the collectivist stance where someone can do anything they want to you if they're a relative.

So of course, siblings aren't automatically worth keeping in your life. You get to decide who is a good person to have in your life and who isn't. Your time, energy and love are precious and you don't have to give any of these things to a person that causes you harm.

Personally I've always been of the mindset that I won't tolerate anything from a relative I wouldn't tolerate from a friend, and I hold family to the same standards I hold friendships.

I can’t and won’t accept the “family is family” thing. It’s not a get out of jail free card to behave appallingly and it has to be accepted.

I have to remember that I’m very lucky and that my siblings are good people. But in general, yes I do feel it is worth keeping siblings in your life in some form because you genuinely do share something that otherwise doesn’t exist. I have seen people benefit from regaining some sort of contact with siblings who have treated them appallingly, though there has been a process at least of acknowledgment and some sort of break and regroup. It can help once parents are dead, in that you no longer feel constrained to be in touch in an unhelpful way.

My response to 'family is family' thing is 'exactly, family are supposed to treat one another well'.

I’m not even sure what it’s supposed to mean. It’s like water is wet. Yeah, so?

My sister is six years older than me. She was physically and verbally hateful to me from the time I could move independently. I turned out to be much better at things (sport/academic work/keeping friends/being closer to our parents and grandparents) than she was. She would lie about me, try to outshine me in my interests and hobbies and was generally vile. In the end, I left home when I was seventeen and made an excellent life for myself. She married a sex offender, had a daughter who now no longer speaks to her.

I don't know if she's alive or dead and have no interest in finding out.

I don't have a huge amount to do with my siblings (typically we sent each other a "Happy Christmas" message and that's it). They are nice enough people , but we have different values and not a lot in common. They aren't entirely cut off, but really not a part of my day to day life.

I don't have much of a relationship with my sister - big age gap - or any cousins.
I've never subscribed to the "But they're family" way of thinking. Why should you have an affinity with people you've nothing in common with because of genes.

I have two older "half" siblings and one younger one. My oldest one is an alcoholic and doesn't speak to his own children. He's met my oldest DC twice and has never seen my youngest who's 10. It's all for a very good reason. The whole "family is family" doesn't wash with us. We've been on the receiving end of too much heartbreak by so called family.

I’m one of 4 - one of them I’m only in touch with because it would upset my parents so much if I wasn’t. I suspect eventually 2 of us will cut her off.

I have three siblings that I get on OK with. We've had our ups and downs over the years but we are still there for each other. Despite this I was happy to have just one child and don't feel that I've let him down not having more so he has siblings.

A friend of mine has two siblings, both younger than her. She was expected to help bring them up. they are both toxic beyond belief and treat her appallingly. I always think "Jeez Louise, either go low contact with them or cut them off totally, they'll always be horrific to you and cause you grief". They cause her an immense amount of stress and trauma and yet she won't stop seeing them and allowing this to go on, because her culture says family is important above all.

Siblings aren't always the blessing they should be and way too many parents mess up their children's relationships with each other in the way they handle raising their kids.

I love one of my siblings and would gladly never see the other again!

I haven’t spoken to my sister in 5 years, someone on mumsnet told me that is abusive 😂 despite the fact she has been absolutely vile to me and did something completely unforgivable but it’s “abusive” to go NC apparently. Well I’m much happier now without her in my life.

My brother is an alcoholic although he can function at work etc. he has increasingly turned dependent on me for support and personality wise is so like my dm who I only have a text relationship with.

A month ago I told him that he is an alcoholic and needs to get help, said some other stuff that was on my mind too about him being judgemental. Not heard from him since. He's a user and will be back for free therapy from me but I have to say it's been very healing not having to deal with him.

I may just not answer when he inevitably calls

Oh how I agree!!! I have not spoken or seen my sister in over 10 years. Ghastly creature who lies and stole money from me and other people. Last saw her in court over 10years ago now.I will never ever speak to her again. She will never get near my children for sure. I can never understand what went wrong with her.my parents would be turning in their graves.

My SIL has serious mental health and personality problems. She's quite dangerous. I suspect BPD/EUPD but I don't think she's diagnosed, mostly because she lies a lot to health professionals and as soon as she gets a hint they suspect EUPD she never sees that professional again. I say I think because she lies a lot to me as well- she said she had been diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, BPD and GAD and was being medicated for all of them, then she said that actually her then-boyfriend (not a HCP) had "diagnosed" all of them and bought drugs off the dark web to "treat" them. The she accused him of drugging her (even though she participated willingly in all of this), managed to get into a women's refuge and they moved her away. She says she's done all this to protect her son, but she's left her son with his Dad and not seen him for months.

She told me months ago that she no longer wanted her son "ruining" her life, she wished she'd had an abortion, and she had a plan to leave the area and get a nicer house with a dog. She's extremely skilful at manipulation and has successfully manipulated the domestic abuse charity she's with to make all this happen for her.

Anyway, I digress, but over the 10 years I've known her she has been absolute chaos and attempts to help her have always spectacularly backfired. I don't like her, but I do feel sympathy for her because of the things which made her the way she is. Having said that, she's nearly 50 now and is still using her childhood as the excuse for everything.

My husband said he was done with her a long time ago and I've tried to maintain contact because I don't want him to lose his sibling, even though I'm her main target for vitriol when she goes off. I have stopped now and stepped back after some particularly bad behaviour at the start of this year which was just too draining for us. She occasionally sends me a message, usually full of flattery and sweetness and light, which I either ignore or remind her why we're not in contact. Can't bring myself to block her completely though.

Same with me. I have 3 brothers and when our DM is gone I just can’t see any of us really keeping in contact. I don’t have any bad feelings towards them but we are all different and just not close at all.

I struggle to give lifelong loyalty to the person who spent the first half of my life putting me down and joined in with making my home life miserable because I wasn't lucky enough to be just like them 🙄

I come from a family where "family first!" was shoved down our throats from day one. I might have upset the apple-cart with that one...

My sibling and I are two very different people, with vastly different interests, opinions and lifestyles. We got on mildly better once my sibling moved out, simply because we didn't have to live together anymore. Unless you know our family well, you're very unlikely to realise that we're actually related. We don't look, sound or act alike, and our personalities are very different. We send polite messages to say Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas, and only see each other at rare family events. After the brief greeting, we just don't have anything to speak about.

I'm really glad that there is a 100 mile distance between us. It is a nice buffer zone of peace and quiet.

Of course not - they are just people, and so no different to anyone else.

If you like them, that's great, you can choose to spend time with them.
If you don't like them, you probably won't see them very often, or at all.

I think most adults naturally find what works for them, just as they do with other friends and acquaintances.

Friends are the family you choose for yourself.

Family you get no choice. Dosent mean you get on, or have anything in common or that they won't treat you badly. Family often do.

Life's too short to keep trying to make it work with people your not comfortable with or who stress you put and don't enhance your life.

Just choose people who enhance your life and are not hard work.or stressful.

I though everyone knew this anyway.

Exactly. I couldn't put this any better, and I don't know why some people fail to understand this.

Not unreasonable at all - I’m an only child and sadly, sometimes feel that way about my parents. Don’t get me wrong, they’re fundamentally not bad people and I had a nice childhood but they are insecure, toxic and two faced and I’ve noticed it more the older I get