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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerns about my son

48 replies

Shootingstar1401 · 18/08/2025 08:11

My son 12 in the last few months has started stating he doesn’t want to go to his dads for a variety of reasons. It started off by him saying that whenever he was giving a bit of cheek or not behaving his dad would threaten violence (stop with the attitude before I beat it out of you). I brought this up with his dad straight away who played it down as a figure of speech. My son disclosed this to a member of staff at school and they contacted me about it also. His dad ended up apologising and said he would never hurt him it was just a “ghost threat”.
Things seemed to improve after that and my son was happy to go again. Lately he has been not wanting to go again because he does not get on with his stepmom, these are the reasons why;
She shouts at him all the time, he spilt some food on his top and she was going to make him wear it as a consequence. They make him sit with no top on to eat even though he’s uncomfortable at his age to do so, they said it’s either that or a bib.
she asked him to wash her car for £5 then when it was done refused to pay him as a consequence for his behaviour the week before.
He isn’t allowed to do anything fun until he has completed his chores (bedroom, hoovering, polishing).

He only goes for 1 night a week but genuinely hates it.

He is 12 and going through the sassy stage, he answers me back and can be hard work but I parent differently to them and we talk it through.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Iris2020 · 18/08/2025 08:13

The behaviours you describe are abusive - they sound absolutely awful and ideally your son shouldn't have to go.
I know the court systems don't always allow for you to just stop sending him, I would.gey legal advice asap.

How awful.for your son. I'm sorry.

tryingtobesogood · 18/08/2025 08:14

they make him sit semi naked to eat, threaten him with dirty clothes, lie to him about rewards turning them into a punishment? That’s not ok, that’s abusive.

please support him in not going until you have got to the bottom of this.

Els1e · 18/08/2025 08:19

I think at 12 he's old enough to make up his own mind. His dad sounds careless with his language, which is one thing. But his step mom sounds spiteful and his dad isn't sticking up for him. I would not force him to go and explain to his dad exactly why. But try and persuade your son for a compromise, perhaps meeting just for an afternoon or going somewhere, so that they keep communication going.

missrabbit1990 · 18/08/2025 08:38

PP says ‘careless with his language’ - no. The dad is abusive and allowing the wife to abuse him too. This a clear cut case of child abuse. Incredibly disturbing. You MUST protect your son, and I’d report them to SS to be honest as well. I certainly wouldn’t be sending him for contact — do not send a child to an abuser as that would be neglect on your part. No court would enforce contact with a 12 year old, they are old enough to choose. Let alone enforce contact with an abusive arsehole. They are trying to humiliate and shame him. It’s obvious emotional abuse. One night a week and they abuse him? Scum.

Please OP, don’t be weak, your son needs you to be strong for him.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 18/08/2025 08:40

This is abuse OP. At 12 his wishes will be taken into account so don't send him. Let him fight you.

MelissaSteadySteps · 18/08/2025 12:29

Gosh this sounds aweful. We went through something different but similar in the sense that the two households were very different. Unfortunately we had to go through a social worker in the end, which was somewhat traumatic for everyone. It sounds like his dad and step-mum need to learn about good parenting techniques, but it is hard to make other people see they may need to learn better skills. Perhaps you could suggest that all three of you do a parenting course, in order to gain better alignment. That might be a bridge to get them or at least his dad on board to taking a more supportive, loving and appropriate approach to parenting. It seems from what you have shared that the dad's household may not currently a psychologically safe environment for your child possibly. If you want any recommendations for a parenting course, message me and I can share some. Otherwise, maybe discuss a reduction of visits with the father until the child feels better about it, or reach out to social services or your divorce lawyer for some advice.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 18/08/2025 12:32

Don't send him. Poor kid. He's treated like shit and it is abusive as pp's have said.

TartanMammy · 18/08/2025 12:59

Is the contact court ordered? If it's not, stop sending him, they are abusive and he's telling you he doesn't want to go. He's old enough to have a day here and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

Hankunamatata · 18/08/2025 13:11

Do you talk or message with ex?

Original poster
Shootingstar1401 · 18/08/2025 15:20

Hankunamatata · 18/08/2025 13:11

Do you talk or message with ex?

Edited

Yes we talk, but whenever I approach these conversations he’s very good at twisting the scenario to blame my son. “We wouldn’t react like that if he didn’t…” etc.
He refuses to take ownership of his or her actions and basically said if my son doesn’t behave or do as he’s told then it’s his own fault. These are trivial, normal kid like things, having to be told a few times to tidy his room etc.. he’s not a naughty kid

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 18/08/2025 15:22

If your ex went to court then he’d be told that ds was old enough to choose how much contact he had with each parent and a judge would accept 0% contact with dad on ds’ say so.

MakingPlans2025 · 18/08/2025 15:23

Shootingstar1401 · 18/08/2025 15:20

Yes we talk, but whenever I approach these conversations he’s very good at twisting the scenario to blame my son. “We wouldn’t react like that if he didn’t…” etc.
He refuses to take ownership of his or her actions and basically said if my son doesn’t behave or do as he’s told then it’s his own fault. These are trivial, normal kid like things, having to be told a few times to tidy his room etc.. he’s not a naughty kid

Show quote history

Abusers gaslight and manipulate and make out it’s the victims fault and they deserve it. Please please protect your son. You have an option to help him not be exposed to this by keeping him with you. I wish someone had saved me from this kind of thing when I was a kid, the impact has lasted a lifetime.

Jojimoji · 18/08/2025 15:26

Apart from the verbal abuse, what jumped out at me is that they have him one night a week, one.........and they have him hoovering and polishing??????

Jackiebrambles · 18/08/2025 15:27

No way would I send my son there, their behaviour is abusive. Poor love. The making him wear no top is particularly vile.

MounjaroMounjaro · 18/08/2025 15:29

I think your son should vote with his feet and see his dad as often as he wants. Your ex sounds horrible and his partner even worse.

Original poster
Shootingstar1401 · 18/08/2025 15:37

Jojimoji · 18/08/2025 15:26

Apart from the verbal abuse, what jumped out at me is that they have him one night a week, one.........and they have him hoovering and polishing??????

I agree!!! He doesn’t do that here and he’s with me 6 days 😂 they have a lost of chores or jobs as they call it that he has to do.
Apparently they’re going to get a whiteboard for his bedroom with the jobs on so he doesn’t forget!!! It’s crazy

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 18/08/2025 15:39

I would tell my ex that he was going about it the right way if he wanted to lose his son. Why should your son do chores at his dad's house when he's hardly ever there?

outerspacepotato · 18/08/2025 15:46

They're using you son for work and abusing him verbally, emotionally, and threatening physical abuse. I think not allowing him to be fully clothed at the dinner table and threatening to make him wear a bib would fall under physical abuse.

I'd be at a lawyer's and getting your son therapy and getting that custody order changed.

What will these assholes do if you don't send your son?

InterestedDad37 · 18/08/2025 15:51

Poor lad - hope things go better for him and you soon - dad sounds like an arse, and stepmum is horrible.
He'll also be looking for a release valve for the frustration he must be feeling - if that isn't taking it out on you, it'll be something more destructive. If poss to not make him go, do that.

Starlight1984 · 18/08/2025 16:06

Jojimoji · 18/08/2025 15:26

Apart from the verbal abuse, what jumped out at me is that they have him one night a week, one.........and they have him hoovering and polishing??????

Yeah this. We have DSD 2-3 nights a week and the only thing we ask of her is to make her bed in the morning and bring down any plates / glasses / rubbish when she's leaving!

BauhausOfEliott · 18/08/2025 16:11

They make him sit with no top on to eat even though he’s uncomfortable at his age to do so, they said it’s either that or a bib.

That's completely unacceptable and abusive. They're humiliating him and that's not remotely OK.

BUMCHEESE · 18/08/2025 16:13

That's so awful and sad to hear. Your poor son.

What I will say before you go legal is how true do you think it all is? My 12yo is v good an embellishing things... I would speak to him and try to make sure you have a really accurate picture.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a 12 yo doing chores per se if it's a short part of his 24 hour stay, and for things like remember what needs packing in your bag for school etc a whiteboard could be useful - but polishing and vacuuming seems bizarre.

Saltandpepperlife · 18/08/2025 16:19

Is the one night a week court ordered? If not I would not be sending him.
Your son is at an age where his wishes should be listened to.

SemperIdem · 18/08/2025 16:35

I think the chores are neither here nor there, in themselves.

Everything else you have described, including offering a reward and then turning it into a punishment for doing said chores, is absolutely not ok.

If your son doesn’t want to go, let him stay at home. Your ex can take it to court, but it will get him nowhere.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango2023 · 18/08/2025 16:47

So we are going through something similar with my stepson.

He's 12 and refuses to come down because we tell him off too much. When in reality we actually talk to him and explain things most of the time. Dont get me wrong we aren't perfect, and we do occasionally lose our temper, but we've never threatened violence etc. My husband and i have been together 5 years and i think I've heard him raise his voice maybe 3 times at SS.

Before he stopped coming down we had him 50/50 and he was required to hoover and polish his room on a Saturday before he could use his gadgets/we went out for the day. He will occasionally be asked to clean the rubbish out of one of the cars as a punishment but he's never left to it. One of us always helps.

Ss has a habit of catastrophising things and we went through something similar a couple of years ago (his mum and step dad were shouting at him too much) and he wanted to come and live with us at the time.

It's a very difficult age for them and I think they will say what they can to spend more time at whichever house things are easier for them.

We are not forcing him to visit. My husband messages him everytime he's due down to let him know we love him and want to see him, but he's trying not to push things too hard as he doesn't want his son to resent him.

We miss him like crazy but it's his choice. I have no advice just trying to say I understand from the otherside of the coin.