Concerns about my son

[Shootingstar1401]

My son 12 in the last few months has started stating he doesn’t want to go to his dads for a variety of reasons. It started off by him saying that whenever he was giving a bit of cheek or not behaving his dad would threaten violence (stop with the attitude before I beat it out of you). I brought this up with his dad straight away who played it down as a figure of speech. My son disclosed this to a member of staff at school and they contacted me about it also. His dad ended up apologising and said he would never hurt him it was just a “ghost threat”.
Things seemed to improve after that and my son was happy to go again. Lately he has been not wanting to go again because he does not get on with his stepmom, these are the reasons why;
She shouts at him all the time, he spilt some food on his top and she was going to make him wear it as a consequence. They make him sit with no top on to eat even though he’s uncomfortable at his age to do so, they said it’s either that or a bib.
she asked him to wash her car for £5 then when it was done refused to pay him as a consequence for his behaviour the week before.
He isn’t allowed to do anything fun until he has completed his chores (bedroom, hoovering, polishing).

He only goes for 1 night a week but genuinely hates it.

He is 12 and going through the sassy stage, he answers me back and can be hard work but I parent differently to them and we talk it through.

What would you do?

The poor lad. That's abusive behaviour. His step mother clearly can't stand the boy, I mean using humiliation as punishment is really cruel. His father sees him once a week, you'd think he would be making that time enjoyable and showering him with affection not threatening to best him up and forcing him to do chores etc. And the situation with him cleaning out the car for a fiver and then not being paid as punishment is just horrible to read. I wouldn't be sending him at all op. Nasty fuckers.

Urgh I tell ex that dx doesnt want to do stay overs anymore or eat at his house. Would it be possible that the two of them go out for dinner on the night he sees his dad instead. Or ex to pick dc up and do do an activity after dinner so dc can have dinner at your house

Is he sassy and hard work back to them……? Would be interesting to know if their different - much more strict parenting style has an affect on his behaviour in their house?

Please support your son and allow him to choose not to visit.
You need to document everything, what they are doing to him sounds wrong.

As adults they have a choice about how to react, and their behaviour is belittling, humiliating and abusive. He’s 12, he needs reminded about things, and needs down time with his dad. I don’t often say this but I’d support your son to pull back from contact.

My children were staying at her dad's house every fortnight, for the weekend and sometimes for just one night depending on if the kids had other plans with their friends etc.
Son was always allowed to go off with dad and work with him doing gardening stuff earning £50-100 a time. Meanwhile daughter was completely left out. When she asked if she could help out and earn some money, she was told help dads gf with cleaning instead, only earning perhaps £10 if she was lucky. Very misogynistic.
There were other times he when she was told to clean their piles of dishes, hoover the house and clean their bathroom when over there - to earn her keep (all two days of it). This was when I told daughter she no longer needed to go over there anymore.

It’s abuse. Don’t make him go there as it sounds like they’re ramping it up, they are being cruel and it warrants a social care referral in my view. Leave the poor lad to make his own choices - no court would force him to go there.

No this is not ok at all. The only part of it that doesn't actually sound abusive is them saying he has to do his chores before anything fun, strict maybe, but not abusive. The rest of it, however, is insane! I spill food down myself on occasion, as do most people, absolutely no need for their abusive reaction to it. Plus adding in everything else you've said, I'd stop him from going.

You sound overly strict — making a child polish their room FGS when they’ve only just arrived for the bloody weekend — but you’re projecting your own feelings onto the OP, which describes downright abusive behaviour. Would you make your stepson eat half naked for doing something normal like spilling food on himself? I do it every day almost, some of us are clumsy!

the fact that you are defending the stepparents is either extreme projection or in reality you’re more abusive than you make out

Yeah. As an ex teacher if I heard that I’d be making an immediate safeguarding referral.

And you’re still going to send him? Please don’t OP. He needs someone in his corner. For the good of your own long term relationship with your son, stick up for him.

There is no way I’d be sending my son back there. That’s humiliating to sit with no top on. Awful. That makes me feel so sad that two adults would do that - and along with the other stuff. Just no.

Your sons being treated as a Cinderella.

His there one night a week and they want him to have a whole whiteboard of chores.

They make him eat half naked or must use a bib. Abusive.

Financially abuse him too because they offer money for chores then refuse to pay him after.

Don’t make him go.

Send Ex a text stating that son doesn’t want to visit due to being humiliated and treated like a baby at meal times and treated like an unpaid maid when his meant to be there visiting his dad for a mere 24 hours a week.

Let him come back with his written excuses as proof.

You could offer that his willing if he is, to do small trips to the park for a few hours but that he doesn’t want to go to his house.

Why are you still sending him? Stop the access immediately.

Please, please don’t send your son back there.
This is heartbreaking to read.

This is awful, please don’t send him back and get legal advice.
Have you met the girlfriend? She wouldn’t ever be allowed around my child again after this.

Op this is crazy! If his dad has him 1 night a week he should be focussing on bonding and family time - not chores. But what you are describing goes way beyond that and is abuse.

If you don’t have a court order for 1 night a week you can easily stop it if you son wishes. Report this behaviour to ss so there is a log and if he takes you to court likely the dad will get nowhere as your son is old enough to choose.

If the court ordered the 1 night a week speak to ss and report and seek legal advice as there are emergency orders etc.

But don’t ignore this - it really isn’t right!

He's being abused. Stop him going. At 12 he's allowed to say No in court??

Thank you all for your responses, it is helpful to hear you all have the same reaction as I do.
He isn’t going back, I’ve told his dad he is welcome to come and spend some time with him here as I don’t want to cut all communication but he will not be returning there.

If he wants to argue this in court etc he knows what to do.

My boy and I have had a lovely afternoon and a good chat, he knows I will protect him from anything and he’s safe with me 💙

Your son is being abusive.

dont let him go, please read up on abuse if you are unable to recognise this!!!!

Good for you OP. Absolutely the right decision. Court would laugh him out of the room for a 12 year old - kids’ preferences are taken into account at that age.

Everytime he comes home he is hard work that night and the following day, as you say it is like pent up frustration. He always apologised after and says it’s because he feels like he can let it all out here

It must be such a relief for a child when their parent makes a decision like that - it relieves them of the pressure of having to do it themselves. I'm sure your son is incredibly grateful to you.