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Original poster

Husband wants to separate after 20 years marriage

38 replies

BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:08

Hey just joined this group, really need advice, don't know where to turn! After 20 years of marriage and being together for 35 years (im 52) husband told me over the phone he wants to separate, haven't been getting along for a few months I will admit, but very hard to keep a relationship going when he works away all week and only home at weekends, I work Saturdays so only have time on a Sunday. Said he wants to be on his own, we'll 80% of our marriage has been on our own, i have brought up the boys mainly on my own over the years, ive asked him to be home more, but still chooses to be away all week my 3 boys are all adults and we have 2 beautiful grandchildren, he hasnt spoken to our boys, they are very angry and hurt, he is keeping himself apart from them all. I was looking forward to our time now, doing the things we want together but now he has changed all that, I cant afford the house on my own, he wants to move out and I don't know what to do, also I heard this week im being made redundant due to closure of my company, im in bits, been very emotional and cant understand why this is all happening, any advice would be greatly received.

OP posts:
GrumpyExpat · 18/08/2025 08:12

I’d put money on him having met someone else. I’m sorry. Get your ducks in a row as well as you through the shock.

OnAMissionToLoseWeight · 18/08/2025 08:12

You deserve better. Remember that.

Seek legal advice asap before making any decisions re moving out etc.

user1492757084 · 18/08/2025 08:15

Where does he live all week?
Does he already own another home?
I would not make any decisions based on a phone call. You both need to sit down and have proper, respectful conversation.

Original poster
BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:17

He is a lorry driver, stays in his lorry all week

OP posts:
RattyMcBatty · 18/08/2025 08:18

See a solicitor asap. How much equity is in the house? Make sure you know where any savings are held, and where his pension(s) are as well as your own.

Original poster
BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:19

Have tried to talk but he just won't tell me why? It's like talking to a brick wall, just says he wants to be on his own, or he walks away

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 18/08/2025 08:20

He’s already checked out I’m afraid. Please protect yourself and your finances asap.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 08:21

tryingtobesogood · 18/08/2025 08:20

He’s already checked out I’m afraid. Please protect yourself and your finances asap.

Agree with above. But do you work in the week as well or only a Saturday? Is he happy with the slog of a lorry driving life?

schoolsoutforever · 18/08/2025 08:21

This must be such a shock, especially in a week where you have had bad news about your job too. My advice would be to gather all your financial documentation together now and book to see a solicitor. It's awful for you but you would be best advised to throwing yourself into ensuring that you are best placed in a settlement. As hard as this is for you, it will be important in the long term. Sending strength.

Bananapotato · 18/08/2025 08:22

See a solicitor and take their advice. Don’t try to be nice - he won’t be.

good luck.

Thriftnugget · 18/08/2025 08:23

I’m so sorry to read this, how devastating. Your emotions will be in turmoil but my advice would be to not waste time in getting legal advice and securing your financial position. In particular get as much information as you can about all of your joint finances, don’t lose any time on doing this. And get emotional support and while you’re bound to want to support your sons ensure you prioritise your own needs and allow/advise them to lean on others. They need to support you.
in the medium term remember you are still relatively young. This is massive but your life is still full of promise. But you are at the lifeboat stage now, don’t try to think too far ahead.

arcticpandas · 18/08/2025 08:23

So sorry OP. But seems like you are already emotionally separated and have been for a while.

See a solicitor asap. You might have to move but you'll be fine. Please don't bring your children in to this even if they are adults. They must be able to love their dad even if he wants to separate from their mum. They should not be angry with him because he hasn't really done anything wrong. You are and have always been estranged and now he wants an official divorce. This might be tough but it could be liberating after some time. It seems like your main concern is money. Ask a friend to start looking with you for suitable housing once you know how much you will get for the house (50%). You will be fine. 💐

Zempy · 18/08/2025 08:23

You need to get legal advice asap. 💐

Original poster
BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:24

Yes I work part time 4 days a week, as I help out looking after my grandchildren

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 18/08/2025 08:25

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. What a shitty way to end your marriage.

I also think there will be another woman, men very rarely end their marriages like this unless there is someone waiting in the wings.

Tell people in real life, you will need support system in place. Find a brilliant lawyer, take copies of all important documents and agree to nothing until you’ve had legal advice x

arcticpandas · 18/08/2025 08:25

BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:19

Have tried to talk but he just won't tell me why? It's like talking to a brick wall, just says he wants to be on his own, or he walks away

He has met someone. Sorry but it's very common. Men don't just want a divorce out of the blue. Tell yourself he has met someone and prepare for that.

DaisyChain505 · 18/08/2025 08:29

If he’s told you it’s done he definitely means it and has been sitting on this for a while.

Get yourself legal advice immediately and do what you can to get through each day/week as it comes. Try not to spend too much time worrying about things far off into the future. Focus on the here and now.

Make sure you’re eating and drinking and looking after yourself and lean on those around you.

Get that legal advice. Today.

Vintagenow · 18/08/2025 08:29

Hmm, are your children angry because they get free childcare and now you'll have to work f/t I wonder? It does sound like you're already estranged.
Yes to legal advice, all you can do now is ensure a fair split.

stayathomer · 18/08/2025 08:30

If you have any friends and family (not children) talk to them about it. Cry it out op, it’s so so hard. With the redundancy you’ve a double whammy so just work on trying to sort through your feelings. When dh told me I started trying to find a way to feel me again- started going for walks, went to a gallery, went clothes (window and trying on!) shopping, had long hot showers and went for drives listening to break up/ inspirational music, singing along and bawling(!). I watched things like Gilmore girls and friends and sobbed and laughed and comedies. I’m no help with the financial stuff but best of luck x

Original poster
BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:31

My boys are angry and upset as their dad hasn't even spoken to them in 2 months, I do think there is someone else as he done this to me 15 years ago, but I tried to keep the family together and get through that devastating time, I think I will get advise and start putting myself first for a change.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:33

No my boys and their wives work hard and I only have the grandchildren 1 day week, they are upset that their dad is not speaking to them

OP posts:
OopsNoHoliday · 18/08/2025 08:34

I am sorry OP, what a shock. You are still fairly young, you may have 20+ good working years in you.

I think you have to take it at face value. Stop asking him for explanations - I know that is hard - but none of it will provide you with any real healing at this point in time, likely what he says won’t make sense to you or you’ll want to try and argue him round, and he may not tell you the truth anyway.

Instead you have to be very practical. Tell him you understand he wants to move out but since he’s hardly there anyway, if you promise not to create “an atmosphere” or beg him to stay, in exchange please would he “stay” until the house is sold. Explain you will both be better off financially if this happens amicably and that you think he owes you something for the 35 years of your life you committed to him.

If he refuses then I’d strongly suggest he has another woman waiting who he intends to move in with. In this situation I would tell him that you expect him to continue paying the same contribution to bills and mortgage. I would phone all the utilities and council tax and change the name on the account to his name only. I would follow all the standard advice to secure copies of all important documents and financial information including pensions - store separately from where you usually keep that stuff. Finally is reach an agreement about the joint bank account assuming you have one for household bills - tell him that if he raids the account or stops paying int it it will backfire on him at the divorce settlement.

You could also ask one of your adult kids to help mediate some of these conversations if this may be helpful?

You will get further if you bottle up the emotions for now, hard as it is.

Original poster
BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:38

No my boys and their wives work hard and I only have the grandchildren 1 day week, they are upset that their dad is not speaking to them

OP posts:
Beammeupscotty2025 · 18/08/2025 08:40

There is someone else. He did before 15 years ago.

Do you really want to save this marriage again?

Original poster
BeFancyRoseReader · 18/08/2025 08:44

No I don't want to save the marriage too much has happened now, I just want him to be honest I deserve that surely after being together all this time

OP posts: