Husband wants to separate after 20 years marriage

[BeFancyRoseReader]

Hey just joined this group, really need advice, don't know where to turn! After 20 years of marriage and being together for 35 years (im 52) husband told me over the phone he wants to separate, haven't been getting along for a few months I will admit, but very hard to keep a relationship going when he works away all week and only home at weekends, I work Saturdays so only have time on a Sunday. Said he wants to be on his own, we'll 80% of our marriage has been on our own, i have brought up the boys mainly on my own over the years, ive asked him to be home more, but still chooses to be away all week my 3 boys are all adults and we have 2 beautiful grandchildren, he hasnt spoken to our boys, they are very angry and hurt, he is keeping himself apart from them all. I was looking forward to our time now, doing the things we want together but now he has changed all that, I cant afford the house on my own, he wants to move out and I don't know what to do, also I heard this week im being made redundant due to closure of my company, im in bits, been very emotional and cant understand why this is all happening, any advice would be greatly received.

He’s checked out. Very strong possibility of another woman on the scene. Whilst you’re currently focussing on getting him to explain or stay with you, you need to get strong and start sorting out what needs to be done, as he’s probably been planning this for a while and is steps ahead of you. Look at finances and bank accounts. If joint account, move half the money to a safe account. See a solicitor to get advice on the house and any other stuff like pensions (you may be entitled to some of his pension). Gather family and friends around you for emotional support. Look at getting another job. I’m afraid part time may no longer be an option. You’ve got this - find your strength and focus on you, as he’s no longer your friend, and he won’t be doing anything in your best interests I’m afraid.

Yes put yourself first and get some advice. There probably is someone else op I’m sorry because 9 times out of ten there is, and he has form. He won’t play nice, he will follow ‘the script’. He’s checked out from the family probably because he doesn’t want to see his bad behaviour reflected back to him. He will want to pretend he’s the victim and there is justification somehow. But as others say it doesn’t actually matter as you now have to protect yourself and try to interact with him only if absolutely necessary.

So sorry this has happened.

And if he was honest and gave you a full explanation, would that change anything? The why doesn’t really matter.

He’s not an honest man. He’s not spoken to his children for 2 months! This says it all. Concentrate on getting what is yours and move on. His life will not end well. Take comfort in that fact. He will likely be back asking for a reconciliation with you. Don’t fall for it.

This
It doesn't matter why. And he he seems like a shit husband and a shit dad so in the long run you will be relieved of a burden having him around.

@BeFancyRoseReader sorry to hear this; what an awful shock. He almost certainly has someone else; working away so much would make it easier to lead a double life or separate himself mentally (and mentally check out even if nobody is involved yet - guess there is a chance he doesn’t have someone on the side but you said he has done it before). I would start looking at all your finances - if you own your own home, what’s left on the mortgage, do you have any joint savings and so on and yes, talk to a solicitor and make sure you are as prepared as you can be. Not talking to the kids? Makes it more likely someone else is involved.

I’m so sorry this has all happened to you

The way he won’t look you in the eye and discuss this shows he knows he’s hurt you, there’s some secret he’s holding on to, and if he looks you in the eye you will see it. It could be another woman, it could be financial. He’s probably been planning this awhile and all his plans set. It’s really time you do the same.

its Monday morning, get an appointment with a solicitor asap, and get all the paperwork together. Check all your finances individually and jointly, do a bit of detective work to see if he has accounts he’s been keeping secret from you. He’s playing dirty with you so don’t you be soft look after yourself.

Once you have that sorted start looking for another job, I don’t know what you do but a lot of retail places start looking for staff in the autumn for the run up to Christmas even if it’s just a filler job until something more in your line comes up, it will bring money in and keep you busy.

you sound close to your sons let them support you through this they’re adults and I know a lot of MNers will say don’t involve your children you mustn’t turn them off their father, but they are adults they can think things out for themselves.

Sorry to ask OP so he sleeps in his lorry van all these years? Was he generous with money? No way I would put up with that whilst having to raise children all week.

Agree with others thoughts too. Do what's best for you OP!

It's very easy for them to become detached working away and being in their own heads in a lorry all week.
Take some time op. Its a fresh start. Hopefully money from the house and perhaps redudancy could buy you a smaller property. You still have your kids and grandkids.
Though doesnt feel like it you can look at want you want to do - different career, go back to education etc.

Sorry to hear this OP.

As you don't want to save the marriage I would focus your energy on sorting yourself out. I know that's easier said than done, but try be pragmatic to ensure you come out of this with what you deserve. Focus on yourself and your future now.

I hope you come to find your life is better without him. The way he has treated you suggests to me this may be the case.

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. Forget trying to talk to him, get legal advice and start planning where you go from here without him. I wouldn’t try to communicate with him at this stage, he’ll be uncooperative and make you feel bad for trying to chase him, just leave it and eventually he’ll have a reason to contact you. Get any important paperwork out of the house so that he can’t take it.

Yes he did sleep in his lorry, its what they do, I would never take away he always worked and provided

Sorry I'm not familiar that's why I asked. Sorry OP it isn't practical with family life.