DH and football dominating everything 🤯

[Offherrockingchair]

An age old one. What to do? We live slap bang in the middle of the country and halfway between our respective hometowns (3-4 hours from each). Every football season, FIL buys his boys tickets. This was fine pre DC and also fine when the DC were little as we lived abroad. Back in the UK for the last three years and it’s become an absolute joke during football season.

Whenever there is a home game, DH wants to make the 7-8 hour round trip, plus game time, sometimes staying overnight, leaving me at home with the DCs. DS goes with him sometimes but finds the journey long too so often isn’t all that bothered. I’m then stuck at home, doing all the usual weekend dross, looking after everyone and get very little free time. To top it off, what used to be Saturday afternoon fixtures now seem to be Friday night, Saturday, Sunday - there’s not even a pattern to it and they all seem subject to change. He’s more than happy to stay over with PIL cos MIL makes a massive fuss of him and he gets to escape family life/absolve himself of parenting.

We’ve had a row this weekend as it’s been the first home game and he’s just got back, having left yesterday afternoon. I am so cross! He was meant to come straight back after the match but went back to PIL for dinner (and didn’t even let me know!).

I’ve told him he might as well go and live in his hometown if he loves it there so much. Clearly not a solution but I’m not putting up with this every other weekend!

He clearly is not committed to family life.
No way would I tolerate this.
He sounds like a man-child.
He wants to be a single man?
Let him off.

This wouldn't bother me - I have a hobby that takes a chunk of time out of the weekend. I think talking to your husband about how he can enjoy his hobby but ensure that you also get to have fun at the weekend is the way forward.

surley eveyone has hobbies etc ? yes i get family time is important

He needs to compromise. So not go to every home game and instead go to a certain number per year. Then you get the same amount of free time while he solo parents. And family time needs to feature somewhere in there too.

Of course YANBU. Before I had my daughter I was a season ticket holder and I know exactly how time-consuming it is. The fact that a home game is effectively an away fixture in terms of travel means he is taking the piss. He needs to compromise - at the moment he isn't at all and you're picking up everything on those weekends.

Does he also travel to midweeks? Surely not.

@usedtobeaylis - thankfully not to mid weeks, unless there is an away fixture close to where we do actually live. He then tries to justify that by saying he’ll take DS along, and then I have to step in and say getting back at 11/midnight is not going to happen for a primary aged child!

That is my point exactly - a home game is effectively an away fixture because of the travel! It’s not like supporting the local team, is it?

@Rainbowqueeen - I said tonight that I’d like the alternate every other weekend off. He begrudgingly agreed (but doesn’t think I’ll go through with it). I did say that I wasn’t planning my time around ever changing fixtures cos of TV rights though and where did he think us all being together as a family could fit into any of this?

He’s away for the entire weekend EOW for over half the year!! This isn’t a ‘hobby’ in any way appropriate for a father of young children.

this simply isn’t fair op. Unless you have the finances/desire to also spend 15 (?ish) entire weekends away on your own hobby whilst he does all the work at home? You could do 15 city breaks maybe?

bang out of order of your fil to buy him a season ticket unless money is nothing

You need to take an equal amount of time off.
It will give him pause for thought.

I played tennis with a woman who returned to the game so her husband would feel the impact of 6 hours of golf on a Saturday.

It did.
Having to do all the activities on a sunday for 3 children and knowing it faced him made him be a lot more considerate.
He adjusted his game to start at 6am and was home for 11am every Saturday instead.

Ah yes, FIL… Dinosaur, can’t see the issue. I did try and tell him that we live in X and not Y and we’re at the stage where DS doesn’t want to be dragged along for the ride (or DH’s excuse?) but he goes ahead anyway. The money isn’t an issue to him, at least, but that doesn’t take into account the extra petrol from our family budget. I find it very controlling of him, personally. It’s not logical to expect a father of young kids to abandon them every other weekend.

but military personal etc have familys and have to leave them for so many months etc.

You need to go through with it.
See the PPs tennis example. Take up something that gets you out of the house, and ensure he has to do what you’re currently doing. If only to prove your point.

For work?!? An entirely different thing.

but the result is the same its still time away from family

you think swanning off to watch a game every other week is remotely comparable to serving in the military?😂

He wants to be a single man 👍
You can probably help him with that 😀

the result is the same, its still time away, that said i do understand with the op and a balance is needed

This isn't fair at all and very selfish. Family time is also important and taking a back seat! If he insists on carrying on, you need to have alternative weekends where you look after the kids and have the same amount of free time.

but then the problem would still exist in that the op has the kids all the time then, so in a sense it gives the dh the freedom for the games

I love football, and would be delighted if a relative bought me a season ticket as my team are local and as my dc are now adults so don't need looking after.

Your dh is just being ridiculous.

Was it you that posted the same thread previously ? Or are there 2 x dh's who actually think this is acceptable ?

I agree with pp that you need to leave the house, leaving him with the dc, for 12 hours on the Sunday, or the alternate weekend each time he does it for the football, for a while, also taking £100 out of your joint account (or whatever he is spending on petrol, a pie and a pint each week). Even if you just go and chill out at your Mum's or sister's or a friends, or spend a lot of it drifting about not doing much. The point is, he needs to sort everything for the dc - food, activities, bedtime, etc as well as general stuff around the house as Im sure you normally do.
He needs to know what it feels like, and also needs to understand the impact on the family budget.

I know you can't change the team you love, but when you move away, you can still look for their results first ever week, but also go along to the local no-league side if you need a fix of live football. Much cheaper and much less time consuming, so a reasonable compromise for him to do.

Not with a 50:50 parenting arrangement.

My DH has a similar ticket arrangement with his dad and brother. But we live about 90 mins away from the stadium. And when the dc were small, he probably went about once a month. Your DH needs to understand that life has changed. He can’t just do all the things he did before dc.

My friend lives about 3 hours away from her team now, has a season ticket which her husband buys every year and goes to all the home games while he looks after the children. She doesn't stay overnight though (except when the team got to Wembley last season) or take herself off to relatives ' houses for dinner without saying where she is. It seems to have worked for her family so it isn't impossible but it's mutually agreed. It doesn't seem that your father in law entered into any consultation before buying the season tickets.

but would that 50:50 be straight away ?

I’d book every second weekend away for the next two months. Leave Friday back Sunday and go to your parents on something. Take up a hobby. Leave a list of essential activities. Say firmly when he asks how long this will continue ‘you’ve been walking out on me and your kids for weekends since they were born so I assume as long as that, since I’m not some lesser person who doesn’t count in this marriage? Then maybe after that we can share parenting more equally which would be a lovely change to my parenting experience.’

That amount of time away for a hobby is insanely unreasonable, especially with a young child at home. It's unacceptable. If he tried to push back against the agreement that he go less often, it would be ultimatum time for me. I wouldn't be willing to take second place to football.

I grew up with a football obsessed stepfather. None of us shared his interest yet even when it wasn't away watching it, it was on the TV, or he was constantly refreshing the Teletext screen for hours for the results.

He was as dull as fuck. Most football fans are. I swore I'd never ever have a relationship with someone obsessed with spectating sport. Particularly football. And I haven't and am much more happily married than my mum ever was! She's very happily single now.

Sorry OP, not much help but YANBU. Sorry you have to live with such a bore.