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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does anyone else have a bully as a mother

29 replies

Cottoncandy1983 · 17/08/2025 22:29

I'm just wondering if anyone else feels that their mother is a bully.....

OP posts:
namechangetheworld · 17/08/2025 22:40

Yes. Criticised non-stop throughout childhood even though I was probably the most bookish, boring child on the planet. Hardly a hellraiser. My self confidence has always been completely through the floor as a result and will now never recover.

I now only see her for approximately ten minutes a week (when ushering my children out of her house as quickly as possible) so she now has to fit in a weeks worth of nasty insults into that ten minute slot which is quite a remarkable feat - your hair looks greasy, the children aren't dressed suitably, what were you thinking when you bought those shoes, why did you let DD get her hair cut so short, why are you pulling that daft face at me... etc etc etc. She literally follows me around the house desperately trying to get a reaction. It's almost comical at this point.

Cottoncandy1983 · 17/08/2025 23:10

namechangetheworld · 17/08/2025 22:40

Yes. Criticised non-stop throughout childhood even though I was probably the most bookish, boring child on the planet. Hardly a hellraiser. My self confidence has always been completely through the floor as a result and will now never recover.

I now only see her for approximately ten minutes a week (when ushering my children out of her house as quickly as possible) so she now has to fit in a weeks worth of nasty insults into that ten minute slot which is quite a remarkable feat - your hair looks greasy, the children aren't dressed suitably, what were you thinking when you bought those shoes, why did you let DD get her hair cut so short, why are you pulling that daft face at me... etc etc etc. She literally follows me around the house desperately trying to get a reaction. It's almost comical at this point.

I can understand that completely, they have a very unique way of always making us feel we are not good enough.

I'm sorry you go through that.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 17/08/2025 23:25

It gets easier once they're dead...

Richiline · 17/08/2025 23:30

Yes mine is. What kind of things does your's do?

phoenixrosehere · 17/08/2025 23:50

Yes. Criticised non-stop throughout childhood even though I was probably the most bookish, boring child on the planet. Hardly a hellraiser.

Same.

My mother called me “special” in an insulting manner constantly. Questioned why I didn’t go to more parties (didn’t like being around drunk people and found them annoying), why I wasn’t interested in boys (seeing female friendships fall apart over boys , having female friends become pregnant, and the immaturity I saw was more than enough reason not to want to date), always saying I would look better if I did xyz, would compliment my sister in front of me (because she looks so much like her) to get a reaction out of me, ignored the things I said and then say I didn’t say them or when I would tell her something and she would be wrong, she rarely would say sorry and if she did, it was half-arsed. Same woman got upset with me for having my first period while we were 2 hrs from home and her having to get something for me. I wasn’t exactly happy about having it in a public place either.

Goall at 11 was to concentrate on school so I could go to uni and escape her and my enabling father. I had great comments from teachers, won awards, one being the highest in the school and even that meant nothing.

If anyone praised my younger sister she would beam, if anyone praised me she would be “mmhmm yea.” She laughed and practically called it nonsense when my dad’s sister/my aunt said how proud she was of me and how they did such a great job raising me.

Moaned about my wedding dress because it wasn’t glam in her opinion (I’m not a glam girl and she doesn’t dress glam either, I like vintage things and love history which she rolls her eyes at). Couldn’t even say I looked nice on my wedding day, bare minimum I would think to say to your own daughter. Complained I remained slim after I had my first child, annoyed when I remained slim after my second, and resigned when I continued with my third.

I moved 4,000 miles away and didn’t look back. I see her in person once a year or once every two years. Do video chat once a week for the kids and leave it that.

She’s a way better grandmother than she ever was a mother to me.

Funny enough, her mother was the same to her older half-sister like she is to me and she is low-key in sibling rivalry with her. My aunt moved 12 hours drive from their mother and stayed there. My mother would say my aunt and I are quite similar because we were both more about books than boys and claim I was my aunt’s child. My mother was a popular girl who peaked in secondary.

Tickets25 · 17/08/2025 23:50

Thanks for this, it's just given the absolute correct word for what my mother was to me in my childhood, a horrible, negative, bitter bully.
Hope all on this thread are OK.

Cottoncandy1983 · 18/08/2025 00:16

Richiline · 17/08/2025 23:30

Yes mine is. What kind of things does your's do?

My mother can be the nicest, most loving woman but when she gets in a mood.......I have been ill since I was 14, yes she was my carer and all that but my god do I have to pay for it. I get it thrown in my face that I "put on my illness" ( even though my sister lied about having cancerous cells), I was in a quite bad relationship that I never told her about and when I eventually did, "I find it really funny what went on with you and him.......no wonder he doesn't want you or your father.......the list is endless.

I'm just really tired and I don't see what the point of me is anymore.

OP posts:
Murphia · 18/08/2025 06:37

Yes 100%

it sucks it’s shit, it’s always you in the wrong not her …

Murphia · 18/08/2025 06:40

namechangetheworld · 17/08/2025 22:40

Yes. Criticised non-stop throughout childhood even though I was probably the most bookish, boring child on the planet. Hardly a hellraiser. My self confidence has always been completely through the floor as a result and will now never recover.

I now only see her for approximately ten minutes a week (when ushering my children out of her house as quickly as possible) so she now has to fit in a weeks worth of nasty insults into that ten minute slot which is quite a remarkable feat - your hair looks greasy, the children aren't dressed suitably, what were you thinking when you bought those shoes, why did you let DD get her hair cut so short, why are you pulling that daft face at me... etc etc etc. She literally follows me around the house desperately trying to get a reaction. It's almost comical at this point.

“Fit as many insults as possible into a 10 minute slot” Grin

I had this kind of mum and COMPLETELY understand - but sometimes having a sense of humour helps ..

I can relate to everything in this post

Murphia · 18/08/2025 06:42

Tickets25 · 17/08/2025 23:50

Thanks for this, it's just given the absolute correct word for what my mother was to me in my childhood, a horrible, negative, bitter bully.
Hope all on this thread are OK.

SAME. This sums my mother up perfectly

LondonLady1980 · 18/08/2025 06:58

Yes.

I went no contact with her almost 5 months ago though and after some counselling my life is now much calmer.

Shes still there in the background using all her typical manipulative tricks to make herself the victim but I am not engaging with it at all anymore.

It might have taken me a long time to find the nerve to stand up to her but I’m glad I did.

susiedaisy1912 · 18/08/2025 07:01

Not my mother but my father. You have my sympathy op.

Sharptonguedwoman · 18/08/2025 07:20

Cottoncandy1983 · 18/08/2025 00:16

My mother can be the nicest, most loving woman but when she gets in a mood.......I have been ill since I was 14, yes she was my carer and all that but my god do I have to pay for it. I get it thrown in my face that I "put on my illness" ( even though my sister lied about having cancerous cells), I was in a quite bad relationship that I never told her about and when I eventually did, "I find it really funny what went on with you and him.......no wonder he doesn't want you or your father.......the list is endless.

I'm just really tired and I don't see what the point of me is anymore.

I am so sorry. No one deserves that. Hang on in there.

PhaseFour · 18/08/2025 07:23

@Cottoncandy1983
Is there anyone you can't confide in in RL? I hope you can realise that although you have been programmed to think this way about yourself by your mother, the feelings you currently have about yourself do not reflect the truth about you.

Cottoncandy1983 · 18/08/2025 12:44

Murphia · 18/08/2025 06:37

Yes 100%

it sucks it’s shit, it’s always you in the wrong not her …

Exactly that.......

OP posts:
Cottoncandy1983 · 18/08/2025 18:06

PhaseFour · 18/08/2025 07:23

@Cottoncandy1983
Is there anyone you can't confide in in RL? I hope you can realise that although you have been programmed to think this way about yourself by your mother, the feelings you currently have about yourself do not reflect the truth about you.

I haven't got anyone else at all. I was in a very toxic relationship but that has ended and I get that thrown at me and get told that it's really funny what went on with me and him blah blah blah....

I have three siblings but they have turned their backs on her and she never even treated them badly!!!!

It makes me very suicidal to be honest, being called evil, a mental freak, a c*, everything else you can think.

Sometimes I just think I'm better off out of it.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 18/08/2025 18:09

No. She was very soft.
A friend had, it crushed her soul.

Anyone stuck in this situation has my sympathy.

Fuck her. Seriously, let her fuck off, she has no right to treat you badly, mock you, she is the reason you fell into a bad relationship.

I'm so sorry. I never say this, if you ever need to pm me for an outlet.

Can you move in with a sibling? Are you living with the witch?

MeetTheGrahams · 18/08/2025 18:11

Tickets25 · 17/08/2025 23:50

Thanks for this, it's just given the absolute correct word for what my mother was to me in my childhood, a horrible, negative, bitter bully.
Hope all on this thread are OK.

sadly. Me Too

LondonLady1980 · 18/08/2025 18:47

Cottoncandy1983 · 18/08/2025 00:16

My mother can be the nicest, most loving woman but when she gets in a mood.......I have been ill since I was 14, yes she was my carer and all that but my god do I have to pay for it. I get it thrown in my face that I "put on my illness" ( even though my sister lied about having cancerous cells), I was in a quite bad relationship that I never told her about and when I eventually did, "I find it really funny what went on with you and him.......no wonder he doesn't want you or your father.......the list is endless.

I'm just really tired and I don't see what the point of me is anymore.

I sympathise OP.

My mum has had to support me in various ways over the years as a result of me having a chronic condition and she used to throw it in my face every chance she got. It’s such nasty behaviour.

Cottoncandy1983 · 18/08/2025 19:26

LondonLady1980 · 18/08/2025 18:47

I sympathise OP.

My mum has had to support me in various ways over the years as a result of me having a chronic condition and she used to throw it in my face every chance she got. It’s such nasty behaviour.

I'm sorry you have to go through that too....it's crap.

We don't chose to be ill so I don't know why we have to be punished for it. Only people who have gone through chronic illness can really understand I think.

OP posts:
Cottoncandy1983 · 18/08/2025 19:31

EmeraldShamrock000 · 18/08/2025 18:09

No. She was very soft.
A friend had, it crushed her soul.

Anyone stuck in this situation has my sympathy.

Fuck her. Seriously, let her fuck off, she has no right to treat you badly, mock you, she is the reason you fell into a bad relationship.

I'm so sorry. I never say this, if you ever need to pm me for an outlet.

Can you move in with a sibling? Are you living with the witch?

Edited

Thank you so much, a friend would be greatly appreciated.

I live at home still a d I know people will think that's my fault then as I'm old enough etc but it's not that easy. My siblings don't want to know her so the responsibility is on me and me alone. I have health issues that affect me alot but I now I'm taking on her, the dogs, the house, the garden, the bills etc all on my own and it can get quite overwhelming especially since she could help ,e out quite easily but doesn't bother.

It's nice to find kind people....

OP posts:
Paradoes · 18/08/2025 19:41

Yes sadly. I was screamed at as a teen that I stank of vodka when I was late home from school- I got into such a state (I was a total goody goody bookish type)

I don't think she ever bought me sanitary towels. When I went for my first Saturday job she said I might be lucky as m&s took on a person with Down Syndrome. I ended up like someone said above - head down to get the best grade I could so I could move away to uni. Then she took some of my student loan.

We are estranged now after too many tantrums and manipulations that she wants to kill herself and that her counsellor asked to write a letter to me which I don't believe and the letter was nasty.

Elsvieta · 18/08/2025 21:32

namechangetheworld · 17/08/2025 22:40

Yes. Criticised non-stop throughout childhood even though I was probably the most bookish, boring child on the planet. Hardly a hellraiser. My self confidence has always been completely through the floor as a result and will now never recover.

I now only see her for approximately ten minutes a week (when ushering my children out of her house as quickly as possible) so she now has to fit in a weeks worth of nasty insults into that ten minute slot which is quite a remarkable feat - your hair looks greasy, the children aren't dressed suitably, what were you thinking when you bought those shoes, why did you let DD get her hair cut so short, why are you pulling that daft face at me... etc etc etc. She literally follows me around the house desperately trying to get a reaction. It's almost comical at this point.

God, that's awful. Are you sure she's not doing the same to your dc?

OneNeatBlueOrca · 18/08/2025 21:33

namechangetheworld · 17/08/2025 22:40

Yes. Criticised non-stop throughout childhood even though I was probably the most bookish, boring child on the planet. Hardly a hellraiser. My self confidence has always been completely through the floor as a result and will now never recover.

I now only see her for approximately ten minutes a week (when ushering my children out of her house as quickly as possible) so she now has to fit in a weeks worth of nasty insults into that ten minute slot which is quite a remarkable feat - your hair looks greasy, the children aren't dressed suitably, what were you thinking when you bought those shoes, why did you let DD get her hair cut so short, why are you pulling that daft face at me... etc etc etc. She literally follows me around the house desperately trying to get a reaction. It's almost comical at this point.

Hang on a minute, she's a bully, but she's good enough for once a week, free childcare?

Fontet · 18/08/2025 21:45

I have a bully for a father...still alive unfortunately...mother passed many years ago, also bully tactics....it has affected me to the point of having to go through numerous counselling sessions which absolutely terrified me.