AIBU to worry about how long I need to live to raise my kids

[HomeHouseHelp]

I don’t know if this will make sense! I guess I am wondering if others feel the same way.

I’m 40 with a 10 month old and a toddler. I started ttc at 30 and ended up on a long fertility struggle where I got tunnel vision about having children regardless of the situation.

now at 40 with my two children and after lots of ivf and two high risk pregnancies I worry a lot about how long I need to live to raise them. Like when I am 60 they’ll only be early 20’s.

years and years to go where I need to not get cancer, stay healthy, be able to be there for them, not to spend time ill or infirm. It feels impossible and I feel so devastated to think I might not be there for them or that I might die young and leave them without a mother. My toddler in particular is so attached to me. Children need their mothers and I just feel so upset at the thoughts of them losing me.

This has not been helped by how for the past few weeks I’ve had new aching pain in one breast and pain in rib which I am now worried is breast cancer as it’s persisted throughout a full menstrual cycle.

I just want a normal boring life with my children and husband. Raising them, doing laundry, working etc. I don’t want anything fancy or anything ambitious. Just to be there for them and live my life alongside them.

does anyone else feel like this? It just feels so hopeless.

Ask gp to refer you for cbt counselling. Address these thoughts. You cannot predict the future. Try to live in the moment. You might live long healthy into your 90s. no one can say. But you want the moments you do have to be happy ones and not filled with anxiety .

My mum was 40 when she had me. She died age 83 a couple of years ago. Plenty of people have their first child at 40. Try not to worry. There are risks at any age. Another relative died in her early 30s leaving behind 4 kids. There's little point worrying about these things as no one knows when their time is up. What matters is you have your beautiful children and you can enjoy and appreciate all the time you have with them.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for worrying when you have young DC. It’s one of the worries you get when you have DC imo. However, nobody knows how long they’ll get. Some people do die with young children. So I just try to have faith that my kids will be ok one way or another.

Get an appointment with the GP and hopefully that will put your mind at rest. Plenty of people live through breast cancer too, if that’s what it is. Try to just be in the moment.

You could have had a child at 22 and died at 30, many have. No one wants to leave their children, especially early, but you just don’t know when your time is up. Living to 90 is also not out the question…so you could be fine.

I think most parents think about when they will die and how it will affect their kids, will they be adults, will it be ok….and that’s fine to think.
However if it’s to the point where it’s becoming troubling to you, you should seek further help if it becomes obsessive.

No I don’t.
I had DD at well over 41, her dad was almost 46. Yes it’s possible she won’t have us around when she is more than middle aged but I don’t have any concerns about dying early. Could happen obviously but life expectancy for me is late 80’s and we just buried my grandmother at 98 so I’m optimistic I’ve got good genes.

I don’t think that level of worry is normal @HomeHouseHelp and with a young baby you probably need a bit of help with that.

Similar boat. Nothing either of us can do about it now. I comfort myself by thinking how having younger kids than most of my peers as I age might help keep me feeling young.

I don’t even think I am hugely old at 40. Just in general I am still so close and rely so much on my mother. I have this huge fear of dying young and leaving them especially as they are so young and so reliant on me. I keep thinking what will be an acceptable age. If I can just make it to 65 they’ll be mid twenties. Still so young to lose your parent but at least grown. But even that seems impossible - cancer seems to be everywhere and people getting it younger and younger and dying quickly. I don’t see how I can avoid it 😢 I’m even more worried from all the hormone treatment I had. I don’t know why I didn’t consider these things when I was ttc. but then maybe every mother has the same concern.

Mum was 40 when she had me. I am now 53, and she is still going strong!

As a pp has said, speak to the GP about CBT. Or depending on your workplace they might have an employee assistance scheme that offers it.

On the one hand, yes it's so hard to lose parents when you're still young. I'm speaking from experience. On the other hand, I think you're allowing your worries to get the upper hand here. Your children are born. You can't do anything about that now. Make proper provision as best you can but then please try to stop worrying. Seek professional help with that if you need to because it sounds as if worry has really got a grip on you.

More people are surviving cancer though. My mum had it 3 times! And it wasn't even the cancer in the very end.

Mindset matters. I know its hard but you don't want to live your life worrying about death. That's no way to live and it will negatively affect your DC.

If you want an actual figure, I'd say try to live until they're 30. You can do that. The odds are with you.

To an extent this is normal when you have young DC, these thoughts and fears. Having children can often trigger health anxiety in mothers terrified of leaving their DC motherless. Having children is a huge responsibility. If these feelings are becoming obsessional / all consuming / distressing - you must seek help.

Kindly, this is a really fucked up way of living life. If you live to the normal life expectancy, your kids will be 40 when you die. You clearly love your kids so savour every happy moment as they'll be grown up and gone off to live their own lives before you know it. Don't get to that point where they move out and you find yourself regretting how much stressing you did instead of enjoying every minute of having kids.

We all want a nice uneventful life, but shit happens, doesn’t it? Then we have to deal with it, as best we can.

I’m being treated for an aggressive cancer, I’m 54, my kids are 17 and 20. I live day to day, in the moment. I don’t look too far ahead and I’m learning to enjoy the smaller things in life ( I love a Nando’s, a Costa Coffee and a nice pizza! )

You know you can’t avoid unpleasant situations or illnesses, which may or may not arise. So instead, you live for now.

As someone on a fertility journey currently aged 35, I see you and these worries are valid. However, please don’t let it steal your joy! My two closest friends were born to a 22 year old and a 30 year old respectively back in the 90s - one died age 55, one died age 49. My DHs Mum and Dad had him at 30 and 32 and died at 39 and 61 of totally unpredictable events having been otherwise healthy. This can happen to anyone. You might live into your eighties and nineties and have many happy years with children and grandchildren! You might get hit by a bus tomorrow, none of us know, and the age we had our children is irrelevant to when we die. Maybe consider CBT if you feel the thoughts are becoming intrusive. Taking action can also help - robust life insurance, guardianship plan in place etc, to mitigate and control what you can.

My parents had my younger brother at 39/40. My brother is turning 30 in a few months and my parents are both (touch wood) extremely fit and healthy.

Sorry OP but your worries do sound like excessive anxiety. There's no reason why you can't live a long and healthy life and be around for your children when they're older. Please do go and see your GP and talk about your worries as well as the breast pain you're experiencing.

2nd child at 40. The thought of my children losing me was heartbreaking when they were little but the worry has receded as they have grown older. Also I remind myself that the odds of living a long life are really good.

I can understand why this worries you but you can't change it, so try not the dwell on it. Something terrible could happen to any of us at anytime.

All you can do is take care of yourself to give the best chance at being here longer. But we don't really have control over how and when we will die.

Dp lost both his parents before they were 60. It happens. It's terribly sad but he's doing okay.

Your update definitely sounds more like anxiety than just general worry. I know loads of people way older that have survived quite advanced cancer. You should try to relax about the idea!

You're not doing your children any favours nor are you going to help them grow up to have mental resilience with this kind of attitude.

You need to deal with your anxieties and be a good role model, so that if the worst were to happen, they have the mental robustness to cope.

I think this is a legitimate worry, and to be honest, it is one of the reasons I won't be having a child, even though I would very much like one. One of my friends had older parents and has lost them young, and it has really affected her. I think it isn't quite as bad though if you have a big extended family around.

But like everyone else has said, life is unpredictable and you may live to a grand old age, so you need to find a way to live with your worries and manage them. And at least your children will have each other. It is probably worse for an only child in this position.

We all want to live to raise our children to adulthood. We also know it doesn't always work out that way. Most of us just get on with it hoping for the best though. Some therapy might be good to help you get these worries to a more manageable place, as they seem out of proportion.

Meanwhile, get checked out by the doctor and hopefully get reassured (odds are this will happen as most breast pain isn't cancer). Get things like life insurance in place for your children, so you at least know they will be taken care of that way. Appoint guardians.

I have the same anxieties and have recognised them as health anxiety. Your comment about cancer being everywhere is certainly something I have felt, but in actual fact, it's not. Probably what's happened is you've clicked on the odd news story or social media post about someone with cancer and now the algorithms keep throwing similar stories at you. This is what has happened to me and I have gone through and tried to block posts with key words coming up when I'm scrolling, because it does start to make you feel like it's everywhere and it's inevitable etc etc..

I also realised, through having some therapy for my health anxiety, that on a subconscious level i tend to assume cancer=death. Of course that's often not the case - many people recover fully from cancer and go on to live long lives, and most people who don't have health anxiety don't make that same assumption. They might think 'oh dear I'll probably have to have some unpleasant treatment' and of course they'll worry about it, but they won't automatically assume they're going to die, because there's a very good chance they won't.

I'm rambling a bit but what I'm trying to say is to examine and challenge your thought patterns, and also, be mindful of what you're viewing online, and the extent to which it's likely to affect your perception of the world.

I think this is something every parent worries about regardless of age. No one wants to leave their children while they still need their parents. But honestly OP you can't worry about the future because no one knows what's going to happen. When I was 16 years old, my friends mom died of a heart attack. She was only 40 years old. This means she was 24yrs having her child. Being young didn't guarantee her long with her children. In the same way, many people have children in their 40s and live well into their 80s and 90s. Worrying is pointless. It doesn't change anything. Just live for today and maybe get some counselling if it's consuming your thoughts.