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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to be left alone

48 replies

KeenSnail · 16/08/2025 19:44

So, I’m really struggling right now.

I have a young son and am currently in my third trimester, I’m still working and it’s just too much.

I don’t have long left until my mat leave and I feel that I can make it but I’m having to prioritise my energy. Part of that has been taking a step back socially. I just feel I’ve stretched myself too thin and it’s the easiest thing to take off my plate right now.

My family have accepted this and told me know if I need anything they are there. My friends are very much the same… However my husband’s family keeps messaging me.

I let them know last week that I was not doing so well mentally and I asked for some space. They responded well at the time, however I’ve had two messages in the last 12 hours asking when I’m coming over this weekend.

For context I usually take my son over 2/3 times a month. I hate that this has become so expected of me, and I feel that’s quite often. Surely having a few weeks off is acceptable? As I mentioned I’m not specifically excluding them I am just trying to catch a break in general.

I know some people won’t understand why I want to be on my own but it has always been my coping mechanism and really does help me to reset.

I have known my husband’s family for over 5 years so this is also not new to them.

My husband’s advice is either to keep ignoring (which feels rude) or for him to make it clear (which would be significantly ruder 👀, he has little patience with his family as they have a habit of boundary pushing).

I don’t want to be unkind to them, but I also feel I’m entitled to some time out and that should be respected.

Any recommendations on how to move forward?

OP posts:
SandyDunesCoffeeShack · 16/08/2025 20:27

That's easy. Just leave it to your husband

I like being alone also

Vaxtable · 16/08/2025 20:30

Just get your husband to go visit with his child on his own and yo stay at home feet up

If he won’t then he deals with them. Put them on mute on your phone

something2say · 16/08/2025 20:33

Just breezily set out your boundaries. You are heavily pregnant fgs! You need to rest. Just thank them and say you have plans. Do not feel guilty. Protect yourself xxxx

sorrynotathome · 16/08/2025 20:35

"We won't be coming over this weekend."

FloraBotticelli · 16/08/2025 20:36

You could reiterate - ‘as I said, I need some time to myself right now. I’ll get in touch when I’m ready for some time together’ - and mute them. It’s not rude to restate a boundary, but your boundaries need to be about what you’ll choose to do love yourself, not to dictate what others should do.

iirbRosb · 16/08/2025 20:38

I would message them suggesting they need to speak to your DH if they want to see your son reference your previous message then ignore.
I also felt like this in my third trimester; conserving energy felt like a survival mechanism

Lmnop22 · 16/08/2025 20:41

Your husband takes your DC and leaves you to rest and reset.

Easy!

minipie · 16/08/2025 20:48

It may be easier for them to accept if you frame it as you feel tired or find moving about difficult, so need to rest, rather than wanting to be alone.

As pp say the obvious solution is that DH takes your son over to see them and you enjoy some blissful solitude.

BCBird · 16/08/2025 20:49

Lmnop22 · 16/08/2025 20:41

Your husband takes your DC and leaves you to rest and reset.

Easy!

Perfect solution

Gettingbysomehow · 16/08/2025 20:56

You've told them quite plainly so they are the rude ones. Ignore their calls.

MyLimeGuide · 16/08/2025 20:59

Get your husband to deal with it and enjoy some alone time 💖

Netcurtainnelly · 16/08/2025 20:59

Gettingbysomehow · 16/08/2025 20:56

You've told them quite plainly so they are the rude ones. Ignore their calls.

How to create bad feeling in the family especially when you.might need their help with the children.

As its her partners family it's clearly up to.him to explain anything and possibly pop round with their little relatives.
At least they want to see you
Some people don't have this.

PashaMinaMio · 16/08/2025 21:00

It’s natural to want to hunker down and rest at this stage of pregnancy.
As above let DH take your son to his parents. You have to learn to say no and stick to your resolve.
Stay strong. They’ll soon get the messsge.

Gettingbysomehow · 16/08/2025 21:01

Netcurtainnelly · 16/08/2025 20:59

How to create bad feeling in the family especially when you.might need their help with the children.

As its her partners family it's clearly up to.him to explain anything and possibly pop round with their little relatives.
At least they want to see you
Some people don't have this.

Show quote history

They are shoving her boundaries. I wouldn't tolerate that.

Heronwatcher · 16/08/2025 21:02

Either husband takes him or you send something polite but clear- “Hi guys, as I mentioned we need a bit of space at the moment, I’ve got loads to do, it’s boiling and we just need a bit of quiet time. We’re pausing all visits for the moment.”
You could add- “If you want to pop here to see GC you’d be welcome between X and Y” and then take yourself out for a coffee!

Helpwithdivorce · 16/08/2025 21:06

As I’ve said previously I’m not up to coming over for the foreseeable future.
If you want Dave to bring Ben over you’ll have to message him and arrange it. I’m not up to going out right now

mynameiscalypso · 16/08/2025 21:25

I’ve been married for 10 years and with my husband for 16 years; my in laws still don’t have my mobile number. I highly recommend just leaving him to engage.

GreyPearlSatin · 16/08/2025 21:26

I think the Pareto principle applies here. In this case it is 20% of the people in your life create 80% of the social strain. I think your in laws are putting a lot of strain on you in general.

I second other posters as to leaving it all to your husband. I would also mute them and maybe check their messages every other day. If you do check them, don' t feel like you need to answer. I think this pregnancy is a great opportunity for setting some new boundaries and putting yourself and your family first.

Also, going over there several times a month is nuts. Go every 2 months or so, whatever amount you feel up to.

GreyPearlSatin · 16/08/2025 21:30

Netcurtainnelly · 16/08/2025 20:59

How to create bad feeling in the family especially when you.might need their help with the children.

As its her partners family it's clearly up to.him to explain anything and possibly pop round with their little relatives.
At least they want to see you
Some people don't have this.

Show quote history

They don't sound very helpful. In fact they all but demand OP goes over there several times a month so they can see their grandchild, no matter how tired OP is. If anything, they are takers, not givers.

EveningSpread · 16/08/2025 21:34

Saying you’re “struggling mentally and need some space” - if you did say that, and I can appreciate it’s true - might come across as a bit dramatic so they might reach out even more, or not take it seriously. (I know people who’s respond in each way.) I’d just keep it breezy and simply say you’re just tired or unwell. Not visiting, not having visitors.

Hungrybrood · 16/08/2025 21:35

It seems like a non issue to me...your husband takes your child to visit his family while you rest, alone!

Corfumanchu · 16/08/2025 21:39

GreyPearlSatin · 16/08/2025 21:30

They don't sound very helpful. In fact they all but demand OP goes over there several times a month so they can see their grandchild, no matter how tired OP is. If anything, they are takers, not givers.

Show quote history

No, they want to see the grandchild not her.

FOJN · 16/08/2025 21:43

Let your husband deal with it. He's willing to support you but you are resisting because you think you might not like how he does it; you are not responsible for his actions. You need to choose whether you want to be left alone or please your in laws. They have ignored your polite request so clearly that doesn't work.

GreyPearlSatin · 16/08/2025 21:46

Corfumanchu · 16/08/2025 21:39

No, they want to see the grandchild not her.

Show quote history

Yeah, that's what I said.

MCF86 · 16/08/2025 21:52

Why wasn't the answer "DH will come at xyz while I try and get some rest. I'm really not feeling up to it at the moment but hopefully will see you soon."

It's nice they want to see you, and to me it just sounds like they thought you were telling them that you were having a rough few days.