I want to be left alone

[KeenSnail]

So, I’m really struggling right now.

I have a young son and am currently in my third trimester, I’m still working and it’s just too much.

I don’t have long left until my mat leave and I feel that I can make it but I’m having to prioritise my energy. Part of that has been taking a step back socially. I just feel I’ve stretched myself too thin and it’s the easiest thing to take off my plate right now.

My family have accepted this and told me know if I need anything they are there. My friends are very much the same… However my husband’s family keeps messaging me.

I let them know last week that I was not doing so well mentally and I asked for some space. They responded well at the time, however I’ve had two messages in the last 12 hours asking when I’m coming over this weekend.

For context I usually take my son over 2/3 times a month. I hate that this has become so expected of me, and I feel that’s quite often. Surely having a few weeks off is acceptable? As I mentioned I’m not specifically excluding them I am just trying to catch a break in general.

I know some people won’t understand why I want to be on my own but it has always been my coping mechanism and really does help me to reset.

I have known my husband’s family for over 5 years so this is also not new to them.

My husband’s advice is either to keep ignoring (which feels rude) or for him to make it clear (which would be significantly ruder 👀, he has little patience with his family as they have a habit of boundary pushing).

I don’t want to be unkind to them, but I also feel I’m entitled to some time out and that should be respected.

Any recommendations on how to move forward?

This is fair comment @KeenSnail You have a choice - let DH handle it, even if he does so in a way you wouldn't, or you continue trying to politely fend your in-laws off, to the point where their obtuseness makes you want to eat your own head. Remember that as their actual child, your DH can be a bit more blunt than you, but he doesn't have to go postal, eg "Mum, Dad, @KeenSnail has already told you she needs a lot of downtime and won't be over for a while. You'll still get to see me and little Sebastian, so lay off the messaging, OK?"

Send DC with your husband !

They want to see their GC, not you. Pretty reasonable tbh. Get your DH take him to see them while you stay home.

So, here’s an update.

I spoke to DH last night , he was of course happy to visit with DC but we both felt it was somewhat encouraging them to pester me if they want something.

With DC2 soon approaching we felt it was an important opportunity to make it clear that if we have set a boundary they will need to respect that.

As I mentioned, they have had a past history of completely ignoring our wishes and making us feel disrespected so this is not a one off.

I want to feel confident that when DC2 is here if I need time to recover from the birth ect they won’t be blowing up my phone or banging the front door down (this happened with DC the day after my emergency C section).

Therefore, I have sent a response which was very clear and concise just saying something similar to ‘I am not wanting to text or visit at the moment as I want to rest. I’ll message you to make plans when I’m feeling up to it’

Fingers crossed this improves the relationship long term.

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it.

If they ignore that, pass your phone to dh and he can answer by saying “this is your son. Leave my wife alone”. Job done.

I think DH is chomping at the bit to do this. 👀

So let him.

He has had to in the past and it was effective but it also puts strain on the family dynamic.

It makes things tense and awkward for a while and my absolute preference is happy families. I want everyone to get on and enjoy being together.

As a last resort I will ask him to deal with it but I desperately hope with gentle guidance they will understand our boundaries.

I don't understand why your H visiting with your DS would be encouraging them to pester you? They get to see DS which they want, and their own son, who can explain and answer any questions they have about you, and also deal with anything else they might want you for. It's a far better solution than you having to send repeated messages that risk making you look the bad guy in their eyes.
So many women on here seem to be struggling with in law issues that their H could resolve. But the H always seems to have excuses why he can't.

Well obviously if he says what PP suggested its going to put a strain in things. But there's a place between passive and rude called firm and assertive. How about "Hi mum Snail is really wiped out, as she explained to you. What can I do for you?". Everytime they call or message you, he responds with similar.

“Hi in-laws, please text DH about visit I am in my 3rd tri and not doing any visiting or ferrying DS around.”

then put them on dnd. Or just turn off your phone. You don’t have to respond and if you feel obligated you need to turn it off.

it’s that simple.

I get where you are coming from. This is the dream, isn't it?

Sadly, you can't make other people do anything, including respecting your wishes. You only control your own actions. This means not texting back, not answering the phone and not letting them in.

I think your husband has the right idea. He sounds like a keeper. They should not be rewarded for pestering you. At this point it's crossing the territory into harassment.

😂😂😂 he doesn’t want to go on his own I imagine, it makes no sense.

and if it makes it awkward so what. It means they’ll leave her alone for a few months like she wants.

Bless you. My first dp hadincredibly overbearing parents who would not take no for an answer. Nice people but just always in our business and dropping by (dh and I moved cities and they actually moved house to live nearby!).

When we tried to resist they would double down and his mum would throw a huge strop.

I always read these threads with such sympathy as I know how it feels.

You are absolutely right to set firm boundaries and ignore the family tension if you dh is happy to. They are trying to manipulate you, even if it’s not with malicious intent, it can feel horrible on the receiving end and even if you try and explain this they will just act offended and it won’t sink in.

Enjoy your peace and quiet

Honestly let dh deal.
They raised him. If he is "ruder" than you to them, there is a reason. He had learned its the only way to enforce that boundary!
Let him at it.

You need to be comfortable with your decision and leave at that. Any awkwardness after that is due to them,so leave them to it.
If you then keep trying to please everyone then you’re showing your boundaries mean nothing. Continuing to engage won’t get you the peace you’re after. This their problem to deal with, not yours to fix.
Enjoy your peace and quiet ❤️

Not trying to be harsh, but do you think your "preference for happy families" is why you're in this situation in the first place? E.g., people pleasing?

Sorry you're feeling like this, but your DH is supportive so just ignore the messages. Let him handle them, they are his family and he isn't pushing you to do anything. Some people are social butterflies, they won't get the "I'm having some alone time" thing. If they pick you up on it later just say you weren't feeling well, no need to go into details about wanting to be alone, it could be for any reason (hot, nausea, tired, etc).

Of course he doesn't. The very fact it's OP they're pestering to see their grandson tells you all you need to know about who does the work in maintaining the relationship with his family.

I know you’ve sent your response already but I wonder if answering the specific requests is the better tactic. Something like : I feel tired so just plan to relax this weekend.
In my family the message of “I want some space” won’t cut it because my relatives won’t understand what it means. They would leave me alone for a day or two but surely the weekend gathering was very different so they would message again. I wouldn’t give a very detailed response either but just general : don’t feel well/ had a lot to do around the house etc.

I think you're onto something here. For some people you're either ill and not very functional (if at all) or you're the life and soul of the party. There's nothing in between, where you're quite well, but too busy/tired/preoccupied to be sociable and staying well means being left to get on with whatever it is, or relaxing in your own space with Netflix, a fat book, a duvet etc. Those of us who are introverts recognise this grey area easily enough, but more extrovert souls may not, even if they need it themselves. Late pregnancy, when, all being well, you're healthy, but everything isn't business as usual might make you even more aware that well-being isn't a simple binary.

@Tortielady also people often think that spending time with them is very relaxing whereas it’s not at all, and it doesn’t matter if they are close relatives. When I’m tired even a phone call to my mum or my MIL is too much.

I hadn’t thought about this before but that makes a lot of sense!