Partner and PTSD

[TipsyPlumUser]

I have PTSD and yet my partner acts surprised every time something triggers me. I know I have some quirky ways but I’ve never hidden them, I’m trying to get help and I try really hard to be kind and not bother anyone else.

When I’m in the middle of being triggered, my partner keep asking about why I’m triggered, where does it come from etc. I’ll ask him to stop and say either we’ve already talked about this a lot, or I’ll get to the point where I’ll keep repeating ‘please stop’ but he just keeps talking. Then when I’m at the point of maxed out emotionally, he’ll apologise and expect me to accept it there and then.

I’m particularly upset that when I ask him if his kids could respect my space/ boundaries, he’ll act like I’ve either attacked them or that it’s a challenge I need to overcome. To be clear, I’ll take him aside and just say can they please not do x or y, I don’t raise my voice and always apologise.

For example, while camping, I have other health conditions I don’t want to discuss with his kids (late teens) so I asked if he could stop his older teens just going in to our tent. He said no, we’re basically mum and dad on this trip and he’s uncomfortable making them feel snubbed.

I asked him if his kids could perhaps clean up after themselves. He had a go at me and said he’s had to redo the washing up at times when my daughter does it.

I am a complete germophobe and yet he lets his kids in to my wash bag, taking things out they need etc. apparently I have to understand I packed for everyone.

When I said to him how I feel he says ‘I’ve never known you were like this’ then talked loudly for the rest of the campsites benefit that all he does it try to get everything right and he can’t always be perfect.

i don’t know what to do. I’m actually at my wits end as it gets like this every trip. He is always bending over backwards for his kids yet has emotional relationship with them and looks to me to be that. I find it so hard to be while I’m unsupported in what I need.

For info, I have children too so I get the gig, it’s just they’re away with their dad this weekend.

Your partner is a dick. What’s good about him?

I think you’d be much less triggered if you got rid of him.

I’m not sure you’re ready for a relationship with other dependents. It’s difficult to navigate someone’s ptsd, anxiety, health issues! His kids come first.

I think he’s shown you where you stand. You’re better off without him.

Are you sure you're ready for a relationship OP?

Your mental health condition sounds tough.

It doesn't sound like he's very respectful of you at all, is it the right relationship for you?

I don't think camping works like that, you don't ban your children from their parents tent. Surely the parents are in the main tent, which is the shared space?

I’m not sure why you not wanting his kids to know your health issues means they can’t go into your tent?

it sounds like you dislike his kids, but even if you do like them, I don’t think you should be in a relationship until you can get some help for your mental health.

Doesn't sound like that holiday was a good plan if you need accommodations. Going camping with kids is always going to be full on.

I have CPTSD, and PTSD that is mostly recovered. I just don't think this relationship seems like it will work for either of you. I definitely couldn't have done it.

I would plan ahead what kind of holiday or activity you would be able and happy to do, with all the accommodations planned, and talk it through with him beforehand.

My PTSD is from aggressive cancer treatment, my medical conditions (and equipment) are in relation to that. My partner doesn’t want his children to know the full extent of it. So when he’s letting two older teens in our tent to rifle through my washbag etc- not a family washbag but mine specifically, I think it’s not ok.

In your OP you said YOU didn’t want his kids to know about your health issues. Now you’re saying your partner doesn’t want them to know the extent. Which is it? It sounds like you’re changing it because you aren’t getting the responses you hoped for.

I’m sorry to hear about your health issues though, and maybe a different type of holiday would have been better. I think in a relationship where there are children, the first priority should always be the children - not the partner - and so I commend your DP for that. As teenagers, why don’t they have their own wash bags? If they didn’t pack any, and your DP didn’t bother either, I can see why he has sent them to your bag - presumably you wouldn’t have been happy if they were asking you to fetch them toiletries though, so not sure they could win.

Do you like his kids? It’s ok if you don’t! But I do think you need to consider if it’s annoying you because you dislike them, or if it’s genuinely this act - because grabbing the toothpaste out of a wash bag is hardly the crime of the century.

I disagree with you. I dont think it’s ok to assume your partner is ok with kids helping themselves. I don’t believe kids have sovereign rule, including my own. I have my stuff, they have theirs. If they need more, they ask.

some of the health bits I need are private and I don’t want teen boys rifling through. And also, my partner doesn’t want his almost adult teen sons to know. So it’s both.

I'm with you on that, OP. Who wants their stepkids finding their haemorrhoid cream or incontinence pads?

Some things are private, your parner should respect your boundaries as far as privacy goes and stop his kids from being so intrusive.

It really sounds as if you're struggling with his kids, but he's right to put them first.
It doesn't appear that this is the right relationship for you.

You keep avoiding the question about whether or not you like the kids.

You also haven’t clarified whether you were the only person to have taken a wash bag. If you were, then what else were they supposed to do (be annoyed they didn’t bring stuff for sure)? I have teenage sons and I cannot think of anything that I would be bothered about them seeing in a wash bag. Realistically, they’re more likely to be embarrassed than you, who I presume is a grown woman.

It sounds like this isn’t the relationship for you though - you can leave for any reason you like.

I’m not avoiding any question. They each have their own wash bags. They also have a mum and a dad. I didn’t pack for everyone but I did go out of my way to buy them all things they needed for their trip. My own kids don’t help themselves to my things either btw.

These aren’t my children so while you can say you’re happy for your children to see whatever, I’m not. It makes neither you or me wrong, it’s a preference and doesn’t mean I hate his children.

Also, any relationship counsellor will tell you that partners in blended families should come together as a unit, the foundation, and set the boundaries for the children because ultimately, they’ll be with you after the children move on.

I completely understand putting children first but not to the detriment of everything else. In my book, that’s not teaching children healthy expectations.

Sounds like you both rub each other up the wrong way and do not work as a couple.

Just one point, you could get like a small vanity case WITH A LOCK and put your washbag, cosmetics etc in there. Why the fuck are they going in yours anyway?

And yet you still haven’t said whether or not you like them, which suggests you don’t - and THAT is the crux of all this. If you don’t like his kids, you aren’t compatible. It’s fine not to like them, but don’t be in a relationship with their dad - they don’t have a choice in this, you do.

No, I’m just not making it about a dislike of children- it seems odd you’d ask?

Another medical condition I think we need a different word for. The upset caused by cancer is not really on a par with the PTSD caused by violence/fear of death by violence/witnessing violent death. I've had both. I think we need another word for the upset caused by cancer one. It is belittling PTSD to say it is the same thing. Sorry - I hope I don't cause offence, but when you said PTSD, obviously I thought you meant something totally different to cancer and its treatment, which I would think almost everybody has seen in their family. no it isn't nice, but it isn't life threatening violence either.

Yes, I’d have thought camping would be a germaphobe’s idea of hell, even sans marauding teenagers.

(This whole relationship is sounding to me like a screechy, nails/blackboard misalignment, if you’ll excuse the bluntness OP. A blended family such as the one you described is surely fraught with everything that’s guaranteed to distress your sensitivities.)

OP, I have no idea, why you won’t or can’t take the bulls by the horns.

When you are all sitting down at a meal time just say “[Kids] Can I ask that you don’t rifle through my things in our tent, and the same at home please. I mean there’s nothing to see anyway, but just out of respect for my privacy as a woman and as an adult.” maybe even add “Your Dad thinks you’re going to take this as some horrific snub, but I think both you, who like your own privacy to be respected, are wise enough and mature enough now to know that goes in both directions, right? And then wait for them to answer.

Don't try to gatekeep PTSD. I'm sure you know "life threatening violence" isn't the only thing that can cause trauma. You have no idea what specifically about cancer and cancer treatment has caused this for OP.

PTSD isn’t a condition defined by the event but by the trauma response. Not all traumatic events will cause PTSD. Mine was not caused by the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me. It’s not up to you to decide…especially considering you know nothing about OP’s situation beyond about 10 words.