To think most people marry for convenience, not love?

[BluntMintSeer]

When you look closely, so many marriages seem to be about money, security, kids, or just not wanting to be alone. Love might be there at the start but AIBU to think convenience is what really holds most marriages together?

I wouldn't say most but certainly some. I think alot of people would split up if they won the lottery.

Not mine.

Those are two different questions to ask. Your thread title says "most people marry for convenience not love" and in the body of your post you say "convenience is what holds most marriages together". Why people marry someone can be completely different to why they stay with them.
Which one are you actually asking?

Hmm, no. But I think perhaps more people ought to think about the practicalities rather than "just" love.

I agree OP.

I think managing those shared responsibilities and burdens amicably, with trust, security and confidence is only achieved when it is underpinned by love. It might not look like the bells and whistles of the first flush of romance but it is integral and necessary.

There are undoubtedly lots of people who stay in marriages which they would leave if it weren't so inconvenient, financially difficult etc. But there's nothing wrong with marriage settling down into companionship and a shared life if both partners are happy like that. Anyone who expects fireworks and passion for decades and decades is probably being a bit unrealistic.

I think most people get married for love, and are in love when they get married. Staying together once you're out of the honeymoon period and real life hits... I think it's quite sensible to stay with someone you get on with, know is a decent person and have a similar world view to.

Obviously if they are abusive or make you miserable you should leave.

I’m asking about both really but more interested in what keeps marriages going long-term.

I think a lot of single women who have hit their mid to late 30's these days marry to have children. Their bio clock is ticking and they "settle" for someone.

Charlotte Lucas has entered the chat

I agree but I don't think it's a bad thing. For many people the big love affair doesn't happen, not because they didn't meet the right person, but because it's something that doesn't happen often, and not everyone has that kind of personality. Deciding that now is the time to settle down is often the better choice than going on looking for something better that might never come along.

What does security mean though? It sounds quite calculated, but security in terms of feeling safe is a big part of what a lot of people would call real love. It doesn't just have to mean "they have money to keep a roof over my head"
And when you've been together for a long time, it can be quite hard to define what you get from your partner in day to day life in ways that aren't practical/cold sounding. Whereas there is loads of "romantic language" for the falling in love stage. But that's words.

I think love is one of those things that you can really overthink in a very unhelpful way. I don't think there's any shame in also valuing things like compatibility and convenience as well as love.

And she was nothing if not pragmatic.

Eg "he/she is the father/mother of my children" is probably quite a common response when asked to say why someone matters to you. But the meaning can range from "so i have to stay with the fit for their sake" to something much more profound.

Security can be a part of love… I just think for a lot of couples, the practical side ends up being the glue far more than romance does.

Correct

maybe compatibility more so than convenience.
at a certain point in a long marriage the two simple work well together and love looks different.

I've been married for 40 years and have many friends who have been together as long.

Almost universally what brought us together with our partners was love and a feeling that our lives would be better with the man we chose.

What keeps us together is that we still like and respect our partners.

Over the years I have seen many people split up even though it is hugely impractical causes them massive inconvenience.

I agree with those who have said maybe not marry initially for convenience, but certainly in the longer term they stay together for convenience/financial reasons/children.

I know so many where the "spark" has long fizzled out and they're really just housemates.

"I just think for a lot of couples, the practical side ends up being the glue far more than romance does."

I should imagine that romance would be far down the list of priorities of couples who've spent a lifetime living, working, loving and raising children together.

Romance is "a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love" and that would be pretty unrealistic to expect mystery after decades of life lived together. What develops is far, far deeper and more meaningful than that.

What becomes more important is a feeling of love, of caring, the memory of what a total rock he was for you when you broke your leg, your mother was terminally sick or your dog died. Anyone can buy a bunch of roses but real love is much deeper than that and changes as you get older.

Am I still in love with my DH after all these years. Hell yes - more than ever. He's worth more than gold to me...but not because of candlelight and Valentine's dinners but because he has been beside me through thick and thin and has always been my side.

I think some people just think with their hearts and others with their heads. My sister married a really rich man who was basically a total wanker. I married a poor man I loved. Both now divorced, she has a massive house she owns outright and half of his very substantial pension to look forward to, I rent and have to copper up for milk at the end of the month.

But I could never marry someone I didn’t love. Unfortunately for me!

I absolutely love my husband, but more than likely would not have been interested in him if it meant my standard of living would have taken a huge hit, and we were from v different socio economic backgrounds.

I think a lot of people marry because they have a shared mortgage - the only way they can afford a house- , and then they have a baby and marriage seems the next logical move.

I'm 60 and seeing a lot of my contemporaries filing for divorce. They married because it was "the done thing". Their dc have left home, and the prospect of retirement and spending 24 hours a day together is too unpleasant to be endured.

Being able to downsize and escape each other is their choice. It's sad, but for some of them it is very welcome.