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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for wanting my partner to contribute to the household

89 replies

babybackrib · 15/08/2025 08:16

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, we live in a house owned by his family member and we pay rent. Well, I pay rent. He pays bills which is half of the rent. I also pay for all the food, furnishings and other things for the house, his cigarettes, anything we do together like date nights, doctors appointments etc. He doesn’t have a job, and spends his welfare on alcohol (if he can’t get me to buy it for him, which I don’t because I don’t drink much, but if I buy myself a bottle of wine he drinks it all).

he’s unemployed and I want him to take care of the house since I’m working full time and pay for everything. He doesn’t do it, there’s rubbish all over the counters in the kitchen and the place is just dirty. So I’ve reduced my asks to just the dishes so I can come home and cook dinner for us without delay and the washing so I can have clean clothes for work. I have to ask him every single day to do these things and even then he rarely does it.

he genuinely believes that this is fair and I’m over reacting because the dishes and washing aren’t done. He says he’s depressed because I get upset over these things not being done and that he can’t look for a job because of that. I stopped asking him to do the dishes/washing and did them myself and he says he’s finally starting to feel happy. I said “because I’m doing everything and not asking you to do things?” And he said “yea, god forbid you have to wash a dish”. Apparently his family also thinks it’s fair because without him I wouldn’t have the place to live.

am I missing something, am I being unreasonable or overreacting or is this genuinely unfair and insane lol? I feel like a single mother to a 15 year old.

OP posts:
BrightLightTonight · 15/08/2025 08:18

Increase your standards lady. LTB

FortheloveofCheesus · 15/08/2025 08:18

Are you getting cheap rent?

Why are you with this guy, i cannot see whats appealing about an unemployed alcoholic who won't lift a finger at home

JacquesHarlow · 15/08/2025 08:18

I feel like a single mother to a 15 year old.

have you considered leaving him @babybackrib ?!

he clearly believes the house he has brought into your lives is some sort of entitlement for him to not raise a finger to either work or take care of the house. He is mentally offsetting everything else against it.

it doesn’t sound like this will change so I suggest you change so to speak.

romdowa · 15/08/2025 08:19

You're being taken advantage of big time. You need to find your own place to live and leave this leech

muddyford · 15/08/2025 08:19

In what aspect of your life is he a partner?

Beammeupscotty2025 · 15/08/2025 08:20

You are missing having any standards.

BMW6 · 15/08/2025 08:20

Surely, SURELY, you've seen thread after thread on here outlining similar scenarios?

You know what a Cocklodger is?

You've got a Great Big one plus a side of Alcoholic.

Hmm.......what on earth should you do.....??????

BCBird · 15/08/2025 08:20

Move out, get place on your own or in or flat share- less hassle

MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/08/2025 08:20

Is this really the life you wanted for yourself, to be an alcoholic waster's skivvy? Up your bar and dump him.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/08/2025 08:21

Why do you stay?

Bonjovispyjamas · 15/08/2025 08:22

And you're still with this charmer because...?

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 15/08/2025 08:23

He's not a partner, is he?
He doesn't see you as an equal.
He doesn't seem to have any respect for you.
The question is why you put up with it.

beAsensible1 · 15/08/2025 08:24

Why are you writing this instead of leaving? Is it the cheap rent?

Octonaut4Life · 15/08/2025 08:24

You would be better off with a pumpkin for a partner, at least they don't generate dirty dishes.

ImmortalSnowman · 15/08/2025 08:24

Do you have a rental agreement in your name with his relative? If not, stop paying the rent. Buy basic food and don't go anywhere with him. Save for a deposit for yourself and move out.

TheFlis · 15/08/2025 08:25

He is literally acting like a sulky, selfish teenager living at home with his mum. How can you possibly find that attractive and think you have a future together?!?

thepariscrimefiles · 15/08/2025 08:26

Does he have any good points? He sounds absolutely terrible and I can't imagine why you are staying with him. He is using you for money, you work, do all the housework and I presume that he is an alcoholic. His behaviour is enabled by his family.

Find somewhere else to rent and leave him. Don't look back.

Parksinyork · 15/08/2025 08:26

You’re missing your self respect.

TaborlinTheGreat · 15/08/2025 08:27

Wtf? Why are you still with this man?

teenmaw · 15/08/2025 08:28

What am I reading OP?? You would be 110% better off without this absolute loser and you really need to work on your self esteem if you think this is as good as it gets. He is walking all over you, that means he’s not a nice person and he is in now way your partner. Sorry op he sees you as a walking ATM and taking full advantage of the fact. Go be on your own for a while and build yourself up so you realise what you deserve, and spoiler, it’s a LOT more than this!!

JacquesHarlow · 15/08/2025 08:28

BMW6 · 15/08/2025 08:20

Surely, SURELY, you've seen thread after thread on here outlining similar scenarios?

You know what a Cocklodger is?

You've got a Great Big one plus a side of Alcoholic.

Hmm.......what on earth should you do.....??????

He’s not a cocklodger.

read this sentence from the OP

”we live in a house owned by his family member”

This is the problem ; he clearly feels entitled somehow that it’s owned through family and they presumably get favourable rent .

He is all manner of other things for not trying to work and not looking after the house, but I wouldn’t describe this as the traditional cocklodger .

the curious thing I have is, if they split up and OP stopped paying the rent, what happens then?

Daisyvodka · 15/08/2025 08:28

You need to ask yourself why you still want to be with a man who sees you as someone as a maid he can shag, and not as someone to love and cherish. You are a fucking appliance to him. He shows you that every day. Is this how you would treat someone you love? No? Then why the hell would you believe this man if he says he loves you? He doesnt love you, he loves what you do for him. Any crying he would do if you tried to leave would be about him manipulating you into staying to do his dirty work.

GreenAndWhiteStripes · 15/08/2025 08:29

Haven't you lost all respect for this lazy, selfish alcoholic?

ThejoyofNC · 15/08/2025 08:30

I voted YABU because I assume he doesn't have a gun to your head and you're doing this of your own free will. What do you want from this thread?

Matronic6 · 15/08/2025 08:31

Why are you with this complete waste of space?

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