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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for wanting my partner to contribute to the household

89 replies

babybackrib · 15/08/2025 08:16

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, we live in a house owned by his family member and we pay rent. Well, I pay rent. He pays bills which is half of the rent. I also pay for all the food, furnishings and other things for the house, his cigarettes, anything we do together like date nights, doctors appointments etc. He doesn’t have a job, and spends his welfare on alcohol (if he can’t get me to buy it for him, which I don’t because I don’t drink much, but if I buy myself a bottle of wine he drinks it all).

he’s unemployed and I want him to take care of the house since I’m working full time and pay for everything. He doesn’t do it, there’s rubbish all over the counters in the kitchen and the place is just dirty. So I’ve reduced my asks to just the dishes so I can come home and cook dinner for us without delay and the washing so I can have clean clothes for work. I have to ask him every single day to do these things and even then he rarely does it.

he genuinely believes that this is fair and I’m over reacting because the dishes and washing aren’t done. He says he’s depressed because I get upset over these things not being done and that he can’t look for a job because of that. I stopped asking him to do the dishes/washing and did them myself and he says he’s finally starting to feel happy. I said “because I’m doing everything and not asking you to do things?” And he said “yea, god forbid you have to wash a dish”. Apparently his family also thinks it’s fair because without him I wouldn’t have the place to live.

am I missing something, am I being unreasonable or overreacting or is this genuinely unfair and insane lol? I feel like a single mother to a 15 year old.

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 15/08/2025 09:20

He won't change, why are you having to take on the mental load of telling him multiple times to do basic takss and also he thinks it's fair. If he's struggling then get him to see his GP and talk to them, and support him in that. But at the same time he's not your child, he's your partner and he should act like it, he doesn't have a job but then doesn't contribute to housework which wouldn't work at all for me. Set some new boundaries which are clear, help him to get help if he genuinely thinks he's depressed or struggling with anhedonia, and he should also start looking for jobs unless he cannot work for a good reason.

MyLimeGuide · 15/08/2025 09:21

Contact an estate agent TODAY rent yourself a lovely little flat. Then RUN and don't look back.

Driftingawaynow · 15/08/2025 09:29

He feels he is your landlord, able to profit from your labour like some kind of parasite.

Rosegoldy · 15/08/2025 09:32

What a loser you bagged for yourself.
Pack your stuff up and leave.
Work on your self respect.

Agix · 15/08/2025 09:35

Girl, no.

Leave and let him flounder, it'll be really funny if nothing else. Loser deserves it.

I say that as someone with chronic illness and mental health problems. I may be almost useless, but never in a million years would I let my husband take everything on with zero support or pulling whatever weight I can. Your guy is not even trying, and is being shitty about it to boot.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/08/2025 09:39

Oh god, just leave. You're getting nothing out of this relationship, and he is treating you like shit. You can do better!

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 15/08/2025 09:43

I can't see what his input is to the relationship. I guess he must do something. As others have said, why are you with him?

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/08/2025 09:44

My Mrs Merton voice is saying "What attracted you to this alcoholic, layabout, freeloader?"

endofthelinefinally · 15/08/2025 09:45

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/08/2025 09:39

Oh god, just leave. You're getting nothing out of this relationship, and he is treating you like shit. You can do better!

This.

Aimtodobetter · 15/08/2025 09:51

Surely you want a better life for yourself than this.

Lolapusht · 15/08/2025 09:58

OP, what’s your childhood/relationship history?

I think you’ve been through something that has changed your perception of what is positive and acceptable in a relationship. When you think about being with someone, what sort of things do you think it means? What do you think it would feel like being with someone? Should you feel loved, respected, happy? Is this relationship giving you that?

How much money do you earn and what are the rents like in your area? Work out what you spend each spend and do your sums to see if you can afford to live on your own. If you can’t, look at a house/flat share. Take some time and maybe look into doing some work on yourself so you learn how to be happy.

I’m not going to waste any time commenting on your DP as he isn’t worth it.

Go live your life and be free.

Munchyseeds2 · 15/08/2025 10:04

I hope you have some money to leave him and rent somewhere??
No way would I stay

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2025 10:08

Read back what you have written and pretend someone else had written it, what would you advise them?

He’s a parasite and you are acting like doormat, you have the power to change only one of those character traits.

TonTonMacoute · 15/08/2025 10:12

Came on to say what everyone else is saying. This loser is never going to step up. Do you have family? They must be tearing their hair out to see you wasting your life.

Leave. ASAP!

What are you doing this weekend?

I'm going to find somewhere else to live TonTon!

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 15/08/2025 10:20

@babybackrib why on earth are you staying???

You do realise there is only one chance at life?

Pack your bags and leave. A classic example of a cock lodger man child who who sees you as an apron extension with added bedroom bonus.

EvenMoreCrisps · 15/08/2025 10:21

Statistically the happiest section of society are childfree single women.

There's a whole world out there. Imagine the bliss and peace that awaits you, rid of this disgusting parasite.

A boyfriend is solely for massively enhancing and easing your life. The alcoholic layabout is utterly pointless.

Chocja · 15/08/2025 10:26

You do not have a partner you have an obligation who is draining you of your resources, your love, your energy, your money and your time. He is a leech and YABVU to put up with someone who brings nothing to your life.

Leaving might be hard for a bit but you need to expect more from life and you will be so much happier and look back and think why the hell did I put up with that for so long.

Dmsandfloatydress · 15/08/2025 10:26

This must be a wind up! Does he have a diamond dick? Pick your standards off the floor and head straight out of the door. If yoy need company, get a dog!

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 15/08/2025 10:28

So you’re a free slave/ maid / cleaner / person to have sex with /butler / waitress

Ohmygodthepain · 15/08/2025 10:54

Tell us what, EXACTLY, you're getting out of this relationship?

And none of the 'but I love him' bs - he literally brings nothing to the table except a reduced rate of rent that YOU are then paying.

He's unemployed, unwilling to work, spends all your money and has at least an unhealthy relationship with booze...

FumbDucker · 15/08/2025 11:20

Erm no, get out as soon as you can

Swiftie1878 · 15/08/2025 11:23

You need to find your own rental and leave. Now.

Bananalanacake · 15/08/2025 12:44

Did he give up his job after you started living together, I just can't think why you would start a relationship with someone who doesn't work.

Locutus2000 · 15/08/2025 12:46

Blatant wind-up.

BlueMum16 · 15/08/2025 12:48

Assuming you won't leave, as people never do, you need to redress the balance.

Pay 50:50 if bills, rent, food, date night.

Leave him to pay for his cigarettes, booze, phone, car, clothes, other personal expenses.
Likewise you pay your personal expenses.

Stop doing any washing etc for him.

Have a conversation about splitting the cooking/cleaning in a fair way.

People only do what you allow them too.

Alternative move out and live in a nice clean home where you are not parenting a manchild