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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting step grandparents to an event.

29 replies

Easepieohmy · 14/08/2025 21:14

A child has their school leaving assembly which is open to all friends and family.
The child's step grandparents aren't invited, but the child's grandparents are. The step grandparents have ensured step grandchild is treated no differently to their grandchildren, in terms of holidays, presents, family events, financial gifts and time spent together.
Are step grandparents right to feel aggrieved they weren't invited.

OP posts:
DonewhatIcando · 14/08/2025 21:21

Yep, I'd feel aggrieved.
I assume you're the step grandparents.
If not and you're the parent, give your head a wobble, your dc has got great step grandparents, don't fuck it up.
You can't have it all ways, step GPs who treat your DC as their real DGC but you don't reciprocate, treat them as they deserve to be treated.

HerecomesMargo · 14/08/2025 21:34

That’s what you get for being too kind. At the end of the day all these unrelated people who you are fair to, can turn around and walk away and have nothing to do with you.

im agreeing by the way. yanbu to feel very hurt

Wadadli · 14/08/2025 21:37

Easepieohmy · 14/08/2025 21:14

A child has their school leaving assembly which is open to all friends and family.
The child's step grandparents aren't invited, but the child's grandparents are. The step grandparents have ensured step grandchild is treated no differently to their grandchildren, in terms of holidays, presents, family events, financial gifts and time spent together.
Are step grandparents right to feel aggrieved they weren't invited.

Yes

Silverbirchleaf · 14/08/2025 21:41

Is there a limit on the number of tickets available? This may influence the decision?

Robin67 · 14/08/2025 21:43

Yes. That is not fair, how they have been treated

familyissues12345 · 14/08/2025 21:46

Yes, really off.

My DS had the loveliest step grandad, who treated him exactly the same as his other 4 grandchildren. DS will graduate next year, and it’s the saddest feeling that my lovely FIL won’t see it happen, as we lost him in 2021 Sad. He would have been so proud

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 14/08/2025 21:51

im a step grandparent and I totally understand (relieved) not being invited to these things

Bellyblueboy · 14/08/2025 22:03

Could you say you would love to go and see the little one graduate?

step parents and step grandparents can be very close to the child, but push some to shove it’s not exactly the same.

work on the basis there was no hurt intended. There is a bit of a hierarchy- parents before step parents, and this ripples out. It doesn’t mean the child loves you any less and doesn’t mean the parents don’t appreciate your role in this little one’s life.

Obeseandashamed · 14/08/2025 22:04

I clicked the wrong option. Step grandparents are right to feel aggrieved.

upandleftthenright · 14/08/2025 22:08

Never fails to amaze me how many people believe step ties will hold out. They rarely do. Families would be so much better if all this blended nonsense stopped and people accepted blood ties are stronger. Why is that so bad?

Bellyblueboy · 14/08/2025 22:11

upandleftthenright · 14/08/2025 22:08

Never fails to amaze me how many people believe step ties will hold out. They rarely do. Families would be so much better if all this blended nonsense stopped and people accepted blood ties are stronger. Why is that so bad?

I think a lot of adopted children and their parents would disagree with the blood ties thing 😊.

but yes - I have yet to come across someone in real life who is as close to a step relative as to their family of origin. I appreciate there will be people who along with different experiences.

OSTMusTisNT · 14/08/2025 22:12

I'm a step grandparent and always include all the kids equally but know I'm always going to be an extra 'brucie bonus' and when it comes to events I know I'm at the back of the queue compared to blood Grandparents.

As long as the kids have fond memories of me when I'm long gone I'm happy to take a quiet backseat role in the knowledge that there is no malice intended and navigating multi generational step families is complicated and you can't please everyone all the time.

HerecomesMargo · 14/08/2025 22:12

upandleftthenright · 14/08/2025 22:08

Never fails to amaze me how many people believe step ties will hold out. They rarely do. Families would be so much better if all this blended nonsense stopped and people accepted blood ties are stronger. Why is that so bad?

I fully agree with this. A very, very close relative married someone who had 3 kids. She has 2. There is no way in hell I’m buying 5 gifts all the time. Token gifts for kids with a big age range don’t work. She initially tried to railroad the family into spending equally but we soon put a stop to that. these kids who we hardly see, no relation to and would never see if they split - why would you become invested.
read the countless threads here of this happening, very rarely do blending ever work.

Purpleturtle45 · 14/08/2025 22:12

Are tickets limited? Would be unusual to have an open invite for as many people as you choose due to space constraints at schools.

MavisandHetty · 14/08/2025 22:13

In this case, nothing to do with the “step” issue. Someone has treated a child like their own grandchild. There’s an event that friends and family are invited to. It’s very pointed to include / exclude people who treat the child identically. Could be a friend, NDN, godmother - anyone. That’s just not on.

Bufftailed · 14/08/2025 22:20

Invite all of them or none, or alternate. Leaving assembly not a big life event but leaving our step grandparents not acceptable

mondaytosunday · 14/08/2025 22:30

Yes. They are the bio GPs partners and they are acting as grandparents in every way, so therefore are grandparents and should be invited.
My children’s only surviving grandparent is a step one (my step FIL). He has treated them as well as his biological grandkids and we treat him the same. I wouldn’t dream of inviting his wife (if she was still alive) and not him to a family event!

Eenameenadeeka · 14/08/2025 22:37

I think it's a bit unreasonable, if the child has 2 parents, 2 step parents, 4 biological grandparents and 2 (or 4) step grandparents that would be a lot of people taking up seats and I don't think schools would have that much space.

Bellyblueboy · 14/08/2025 22:40

Bufftailed · 14/08/2025 22:20

Invite all of them or none, or alternate. Leaving assembly not a big life event but leaving our step grandparents not acceptable

Really? So a child could have two sets of grandparents and two sets of step grandparents. So for a school play said child could have twelve adults along?

and if the school hall isn’t big enough the actual grandparents have to share with people who aren’t truly related?

what about the lovely lady next door who loves them like her own? Or the great aunt? Do they get included on the rota?

and my goodness if the grandparents deceive and remarry that adds even more step grandparents into the mix! Why is a step grandparent close that say a great aunt and uncle? Or a big standard aunt and uncle?

Beamur · 14/08/2025 22:41

We're there limited tickets?
I'm a SM and didn't go to these kinds of things - also graduations etc, as numbers were limited. I totally get and am not offended by my SC choosing to take Granny instead of me (for example).

OneTwoThreeSneeze · 14/08/2025 22:57

Maybe there's only a certain amount of relatives allowed per child? There was like a black market for extra nativity tickets at my child's school.

I know of families in real life where step parents and grandparents really work well, only read negative stories on mumsnet.

JurassicPark4Eva · 14/08/2025 22:58

How many people are permitted to attend? Are both parents already going?

OneTwoThreeSneeze · 14/08/2025 23:01

Bellyblueboy · 14/08/2025 22:40

Really? So a child could have two sets of grandparents and two sets of step grandparents. So for a school play said child could have twelve adults along?

and if the school hall isn’t big enough the actual grandparents have to share with people who aren’t truly related?

what about the lovely lady next door who loves them like her own? Or the great aunt? Do they get included on the rota?

and my goodness if the grandparents deceive and remarry that adds even more step grandparents into the mix! Why is a step grandparent close that say a great aunt and uncle? Or a big standard aunt and uncle?

Show quote history

There's a child in my family who has nothing to do with his (terrible) biological father or paternal grandparents so there wouldn't be more than 2 sets of grandparents wanting to watch him. His own wouldn't recognise him in the street whereas the step grandparents are very much his nan and grandad.

Bellyblueboy · 14/08/2025 23:42

OneTwoThreeSneeze · 14/08/2025 23:01

There's a child in my family who has nothing to do with his (terrible) biological father or paternal grandparents so there wouldn't be more than 2 sets of grandparents wanting to watch him. His own wouldn't recognise him in the street whereas the step grandparents are very much his nan and grandad.

Show quote history

but that is a different case. A child who has a gap left by biological family who haven’t stepped up. A step parent is the ‘next best thing’ and wonderful that this relationship has come along to fill the gap.

that is separate to a discussion about whether step grandparents should be thought of in exactly the same way as involved grandparents. In most cases they are lived and appreciated, but not in exactly the same way as the grandparents. I am not sure why this isn’t enough for OP. If she was a step mother would she expect to have identical status to the mother?

people seem to get very competitive - talk of what they deserve and get jealous about the grandparents. Why not just live the child and enjoy the time spent with a bonus family member rather than start trying to compete with the grandparents and claim equal rights?

Praying4Peace · 14/08/2025 23:44

upandleftthenright · 14/08/2025 22:08

Never fails to amaze me how many people believe step ties will hold out. They rarely do. Families would be so much better if all this blended nonsense stopped and people accepted blood ties are stronger. Why is that so bad?

Wow, I hope you are not part of a blended family