How to be less reactive/crazy?

[Amicrazyyy]

I know my biggest flaw is I’m very reactive. In my defence I never start anything and I’m very polite and well -mannered but I do over react to situations. I wa t to stop doing this - how can I? Some examples: a couple were in my driveway taking pictures a few weeks ago I came out and asked them what they’re doing and asked them to leave. I know my DH would make polite conversation but I just got triggered. My child tells me another child hit or pushed him and I immediately contact the mother (or school if I don’t know her) to let her know what happened.

I just don’t want too live in this state of hyper vigilance.

I’m similar and just make myself wait. The French have this concept of ‘la pause’ in parenting and I apply it to myself.

Having said that, I think anyone would have been ticked off by people taking photos in their driveway?

Another example which I’m embarrassed by. I found a Christmas card in my daughters drawer hidden away and it said name of child it’s from and a message to my DD saying “you’re really ugly and stupid and I hope you have the worst Xmas of your life” she was 10 at the time and it had the name of the boy it was sent from. I asked her first but she went all quiet. In anger I took a picture of it and emailed class teacher who investigated and told me every child in class got one! I was obviously the only one who complained tho!

I don't think you are overreacting in any of your examples.

@Rainallnight thank you. I don’t think the couple realised it was a private driveway. It’s a cul-de-sac type of street and they were taking selfies on my driveway. They were really sorry and went but I felt so bad afterwards. I think the issue I have is how I feel after. I have this sinking feeling that I did something “bad”. Something else just happened this evening that I don’t want to talk about right now and I have same feeling!

If you have enough self awareness to know you need to stop over reacting, can’t you just not?

Wait 24 hours before contacting/complaining about something? Run the wording past your DP/a friend or something to check it’s not inflammatory? Consciously give the benefit of the doubt unless you have reason not to?

Well done for trying to improve something you think is holding you back though, that’s a good step!

I have a similar trait and I've taught myself that if I have any reservations about what I'm about to do or say then I walk away and sleep on things until I take action. Its a good technique and helps a lot.

None of your examples indicate unreasonable behaviour.

Are you trying to ask how to be a doormat? Because IMO all of those situations require a reaction.

Unless you’re ranting and raving/swearing you’re fine.

In the case of that Christmas card I think you did the right thing by letting the teacher know! That boy needs to be told that isn’t ok!

that’s interesting as I used to be a doormat but I my since having my kids I have felt the urge to stick up for myself. Is it normal to feel bad even if you are in the right then? As I feel very uncomfortable whenever I do stand up for myself. My DH often tells me I should just ignore rather than react.

What about this example: there are around 25 houses in the area we live. Small new build kind of like a cul-de-sac, private entry. A teen kept ringing my doorbell and running away. I got really fed up and put the picture on the street WhatsApp asking if anyone knew this kid and ask him to stop. DH said I was out of order and the mother told me it’s just a game and I’m being intimidating by posting his picture. I still feel embarrassed about it and wish I hadn’t. I did delete it after and always intended to but just wanted it stopped. I felt he was invading my space and felt get angry at the time.

I feel that in the examples you've provided you've responded appropriately. Your DH's husband's approach would have been to ignore. Just a different approach.

If I’m responding appropriately why do I feel so guilty after then? Do normal people feel like this?

@Amicrazyyy

I think your upbringing plays a big part in this. I was brought up to stand up for myself and my mum led by example. I have no issues advocating for myself in any situation. I’m also entirely unconcerned what people think about me.

I think that’s unusual and in my experience most women I know are chronically worried about how they are viewed and desperate to be liked.

If this has been your experience until children (where you now have a visceral desire to protect them) you probably have an internal conflict where you think you should be more meek but you don’t actually want to be.

This is entirely reasonable. A fucking teenager playing knock down ginger? Fuck that.

@Merryoldgoat at the time I didn’t know this was a game! My DH told me how the hell have I not heard of this game, but what annoyed me was the mother was ranting at me on WhatsApp saying it’s just a game and he’s just being a kid but no one backed me up. I felt really embarrassed by her reaction. Plus calling me intimidating

I also think people test you so if, after the first barb, you pull them up, they think ‘ok, she’s not having my shit’ but if you try to laugh it off then they escalate their shit and 6 months later you’re the focus of their nastiness.

Which is partly why workplace bullying is rife, and people get so beaten down.

You sound fine @Amicrazyyy

This makes so much sense. Thank you

I opened this thread with interest as I sometimes have moments of being reactive and want to work on it. But reading your examples I simply don't think you have a problem. Your responses were proportionate and warranted.

@Amicrazyyy

It’s very interesting. People constantly joke ‘don’t mess with Merry’ at work. However I’ve never lost my temper, been rude to anyone, done anything controversial. But I speak my mind, disagree respectfully, and don’t allow rudeness from others. It’s clear that the norm is to make oneself ‘small’ and I’m not doing that for anyone.

If my 12 yo did this I’d tell you ‘thank you for telling me’, apologise, and read him the riot act.

So what if it’s a game? Doesn’t make it ok. It’s a game designed to piss people off. Fuck. That.

Your upbringing, yes, but maybe also your DH? Is he very conflict avoidant, maybe a little wet at times even?

In your examples, I would have done the same. And I am actually a laid back type of person.

Yes he is very conflict avoidant. He tells me to stop letting things get to me and he just wants to be happy and makes me feel I’m being difficult. He’s never once defended me with his mum and sisters. I’ve been married 15 years and they could literally say anything to me and he does t respond. I wrote a lot about them under a different name when my DD was born 11 years ago.

Your DH sounds like a right wet lettuce. I wouldn’t necessarily do the same as you in your examples but they’re all fine.

He just wants an easy life even if his passivity makes you unhappy