Do you contact your parents or do they contact you?

[Tiredofbeingtiredtoday]

Or a bit of both?

Have realised if I don’t contact them every week, then it’s around two weeks until mum will eventually message to see how we are

Is this normal?

Similar here!

MIL on the other hand will contact us all the time! Which is nice :-)

My mum never phones me unless she wants something. She has always been like this, much prefers my sister and was always helping her with her dc when they were growing up, she showed very little interest in my dc. I phone her about 5 times a year and haven’t visited her house for 4 years. (She lives about 2 hours away).
She’s not in the best of health and is rather lonely but I feel no guilt at all, you reep what you sow.

it used to be a case that if I didn’t text my dad in two days my parents would panic. I’m 27 years old and have lived safely away from home for the last 4 years!

my parents are very needy and so they text a lot and if I don’t reply, they get quite worried. It’s great they care but a bit overkill. And then they get annoyed when I tell them ‘I’m an adult’…

I tried this with my DM when she was alive. 13 months it took for her to contact me

So far I'm at 7 months with no contact. Wanted to see if any of my family would message. They haven't 🙃🫠

I did try the whole texting casually thing...my mum's response to that was simply "are you ok?' " so small talk doesn't really work either.

My mum's reading is usually "we thought you were depressed and needed space so didn't want to bother you". Which in fairness I do have a tendency to withdraw, not because if any ill feeling but rather I've spent my whole life feeling like a burden and don't like to bother them when I'm not doing well. Only contact is if I contact them first.

When my mum was alive I saw her most weeks and would speak once or twice, this was 30 odd years ago so no text.

my children- eldest son he messages me most days if he doesn’t I’ll drop him a hi the next day.

second son has young children and we ft most weekends I’ll message him during the week he might message me, but we ft so I can talk to the children sometimes I call sometimes him sometimes the children.

youngest son - I have the children 3 days a week after school so see him or my DIL then

daughter - we at least message every day even if just hi you ok xx

youngest still loves at home

stepdaughter 1 - again message most days 50/50 her or me

step daughter 2 - we message on and off most days.

dil’s I message every few days , sometimes they message first sometimes me.

i have a large family 😂

we all have an emoji we use (I’m a flower ) if we’re busy and don’t have time to reply we just hit emoji, sometimes we just send each other emojis it just means nothing to say but I love you 🌼

Me and my mum talk at least three times every single day. Usually at least two txts and one call every day. I usually txt her in the morning then I’ll call her around lunch time and she’ll txt me at night to say goodnight. It’s always been that way. I love talking to my mum

Mine was similar went NC in 2020 and they never got back in touch - I was mistakenly contacted by someone thinking I was them (same surname, same village) in April this year about personal stuff related to them and emailed them (parents) nicely to point this out - they didn’t even acknowledge and thank me for the email or apologise & they haven’t contacted me or my husband for anything - several major events gcse a levels etc and not a dicky bird. Nothing. I’m pleased though as the year prior to NC I was LC and wished them happy anniversary, happy birthdays etc and dropped round Christmas pressies etc and got NOTHING back so that year on New Year’s Eve I went NC. Was hard but don’t regret it. I was talking to DH today about the fact my parents used to say how much they regretted having children on a yearly basis (rather have travelled and spent the money on nice holidays) and I doubt they even think of me ever - I genuinely don’t think that I or their grandchildren ever pop into their heads.

Same.

Now I am matching their efforts more. During dads illness and lockdown I had got in the habit of calling every day. Now I call once a week or once a fortnight and DM never calls me.

Both. See each other 1-2 times a week.
If my mom hasn’t heard from me in a few days she’ll text to check if I’m alive 😂

We have a WhatsApp group with me, adult sibling and mum and dad. Every morning at 10am my mum sends a general “hello, how is everyone today” sort of message, as through the day there’ll be general chit chat. Sometimes I can find it a bit much, as when I’m at work I don’t have a right lot to say and feel pressured to reply, but usually into the evening there’s a story or an anecdote to be shared from someone. So we have contact daily through that.
in terms of phone calls, my mum rings me about once a week. I never ring her.

Phone Mum most mornings as I walk to work just to check in as she’s lonely. She never calls me really. Doesn’t get chance as I’m always on the bloody phone to her. I used to phone my grandma every morning to tell her I’d call again in the evening so she had something to look fwd to. She never called me. My sister and brother never call. Oh crikey! Looks like there’s a pattern here. Gulp!

I haven’t spoken to my parents on the phone for over a decade I think. I will text them very rarely and they never initiate messages. I see them 3x a year. I feel pretty indifferent about them and it appears the feeling’s mutual.

I contact my parents and I always go to see them.

moved out 6 years about and they have maybe visited me 20 times.

It bothers me, a lot but for me having a functional relationship is more important than the issue.

i try and put it to the side and focus on what is important.

I can’t fathom having a one-sided relationship with my DC where I sit back in my laurels and expect DC to do the texts and visits, which is exactly how it is with my parents.

It's nearly always me who contacts them. Not because they can't be bothered but because they know I'm usually busy (job, kids etc) and don't want to disturb me. I don't mind being the one to get in touch. We're very close.

I ring my mum (always me who rings but she still uses a landline and I have a free call) every 2wks on a Sunday. I always receive a text, or multiple in between. Normally it’s to update me on someone who I know, or she will ask after my friend’s parents who are sick / dying. If my DD has had a health issue she will ask how their appointment went. I’d ring every week but my adult son lives with her too, so I ring him on the alternative Sunday.

I initiate 90% of contact. They have also only been to be my house twice in 6 years as they prefer to be in their own house. I do sometimes wonder how long I could leave it before my mum called me. She does sometimes message first. My stepdad actually texts me first more and he likes to send silly memes to me which I like.

I always call my parents once a week. My mum did the same with her mum. We are both only children. They have said they don't call me because they are free most of the time and don't know when I am as I am busy most of the time with work, young children, volunteering. Even before I was busy they said the same, they didn't like to call if I was busy and feel like they were intruding or bothering me.

They do most of the visiting too, and come to see us far more than we go to be them. I do anticipate this will change as they get older.

Dad calls me every day and would turn up at my house if I didn’t answer after a few days

My dad calls me lots and I call him too. Equally. Mum never ever rings or messages. If I didn’t ring her every couple of weeks I don’t think she’d ever get in touch. No fall outs or anything, I just don’t think she sees it as her job to reach out.

My mum and I speak everyday - either by phone, FaceTime or Messenger. Dad isn’t that kind of person and we’re not especially close - we can easily go months without contact but when we do see each other, we get on fine.

My Dad and I speak a few times a week, we both call each other.

My mum, neither of us contact each other. We don’t have a good relationship.

It is sad, but now DC are young adults, I sort of understand it in a way I never did before. When DC left home I really was shaken up with empty nest syndrome. They were so central to my life and I just couldn't imagine enjoying anything else as much as I did being their mum. But I was very aware that it's not right to stifle them. They really wanted minimal contact at that time - very normal - to become independent. DS1 was very brusque and didn't show any interest in family for a while. It was so hurtful. But also understandable.

It took me a while to realise we had to rebuild our lives without Dc at the centre. And not pester and check in all the time. So I made myself not call or text as often. And made myself busier. And then suddenly realised 10 days had gone by.

We do try to Zoom call as a family once a week, and have a few texts or phone calls in between most weeks. But not always. We make a big fuss of birthdays and Christmas and try to meet up to take them out for dinner or lunch or to a show or exhibition they'd like to see a few times a year.

But that intentional break, where I made myself step back from them being the centre of my life, is so hard to navigate. At first they want a lot less from you. By the time they want you again you have filled the gap. I wish it was easier to get right than it is.

So a bit of both for me. But my MIL... Would be months if my DH didn't make the effort. It's incredibly hurtful for him and I know it upsets him.