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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH has been weird about phrasing this?

53 replies

WhatABigYikes · 14/08/2025 00:39

Background: married 5 years, together 6 years, have a 2 year old and another on the way, I'm a SAHM (for now, and have full intention of returning to work after second baby is a year old) and have full transparency and control over finances (as in I have all the banking details, access to payslips, savings etc). DH has an OK job, but we are currently looking to move house/school fees etc and it will be a strain (factoring in my return to work too)
MIL is widowed, SIL works in charity sector and rents

DH and SIL are set to inherit some money. DH told me it was £350k to both and it will be gifted to MIL so that she can move closer to us all (as she currently lives about 100miles away).

My phone died in the middle of a videocall to my mum earlier and his was right near me so I just grabbed his to continue it. Full disclosure, I did semi-snoop. When I went to video call my mum, in his list of recent conversations I saw the beginning of a message to his sister say something like "well if my half will go to mum..."
So. Turns out the inheritance is actually £700k, SIL is taking her share to do whatever and DH is gifting his share to his mum.

AIBU to feel like this is a bit off - the fact that he didn't tell me the full story? Or is it none of my business?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2025 00:48

The subterfuge is the issue here: that he’s told you one thing whilst something very different is the case. If your marital agreement is joint finances and transparency, and he’s actively doing something in the background against that, that’s an issue to raise.

I’m probably an outlier in general marriage terms: DH and I have entirely separate finances, and without question anything to do with our parents’ finances and any possible inheritance we might each receive is our respective businesses. But, we’ve both always been clear about that. We’ve never pretended that we’ll be receiving X, whilst making plans in the background for Y.

AbzMoz · 14/08/2025 00:48

ynbu to want the whole story from your dh and to have a say in how such a significant amount of money affects you and your kids’ future. Will the entirety of the funds be used for mil house - what about your own home / mortgage, kids savings? Why was this not a household conversation?

Ynbu to ask for clarity if this gift means that the mil house ultimately is your (household) asset. ycbu for expecting sil to pay half of mil house - that’s her share: the issue here is your DH isn’t including consideration of you/your immediate family in his share.

PullTheBricksDown · 14/08/2025 01:36

He's decided to give his mum 350K without telling you? That is absolutely a conversation to have with your wife and your children's mother. I would be deeply unimpressed. It's not about you gaining, what about his kids? They should be the priority with any inheritance.

Anotherbeeloudglade · 14/08/2025 02:52

PullTheBricksDown · 14/08/2025 01:36

He's decided to give his mum 350K without telling you? That is absolutely a conversation to have with your wife and your children's mother. I would be deeply unimpressed. It's not about you gaining, what about his kids? They should be the priority with any inheritance.

This.

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 14/08/2025 03:04

Completely unreasonable of him to make that decision without consulting you.

Do you live in London? I'm surprised that MIL would need £350k to move to you otherwise. She ought to be looking for the cheapest house she'd be happy in, if the money is effectively being taken away from your family.

And that money might not be seen again by your family, whether it's used for care expenses or paid in IHT or shared with SIL. At the very least it's worth consulting with an IFA and solicitor.

parietal · 14/08/2025 03:07

Financially, gifting money to his mother is odd. That money could then vanish on care home fees if she ever needs care. It would make more sense for DH to buy a house and let MIL live there for a tiny rent. But he should discuss the plan with you and MIL openly

freerangethighs · 14/08/2025 03:18

Yes, I'd want to know what's really going on and why he apparently lied. I'd also want to know why he and sis don't each contribute an equal amount to the Mum fund and each keep the excess? If the person who left the money to your husband had wanted it to be used for your MIL, presumably they would have left it to her.

Marmalady75 · 14/08/2025 03:51

parietal · 14/08/2025 03:07

Financially, gifting money to his mother is odd. That money could then vanish on care home fees if she ever needs care. It would make more sense for DH to buy a house and let MIL live there for a tiny rent. But he should discuss the plan with you and MIL openly

This is what we did with a relative. It meant everyone was protected - relative had a nice house to live in for as long as they needed it and we had the security of owning the house at the end of the day. Be warned though that if you charge even a minimal rent you may be subject to your local authority’s landlord regulations.

I wouldn’t be happy about the lying, but tbh the way I read your post was that they were both getting £350k, not jointly. I’d suggest a discussion about how much your mil could reasonably spend in a house and perhaps the rest goes into savings or even a trust for DC.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/08/2025 04:46

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 14/08/2025 03:04

Completely unreasonable of him to make that decision without consulting you.

Do you live in London? I'm surprised that MIL would need £350k to move to you otherwise. She ought to be looking for the cheapest house she'd be happy in, if the money is effectively being taken away from your family.

And that money might not be seen again by your family, whether it's used for care expenses or paid in IHT or shared with SIL. At the very least it's worth consulting with an IFA and solicitor.

This...

Is the idea tjat he is giving his inheritance to his mum?? , OR could it be that he could buy a property for his mum to live in for her lifetime?

Coffeetime25 · 14/08/2025 06:32

tis is what happens when you snoop on others phones mail etc you find the info you don't want them get annoyed when you are accused of snooping can he have full access to your phone you say you control the finances etc maybe he was worried you would control this and put stop to him looking after his mum and he would not see a penny of it

YelloDaisy · 14/08/2025 06:36

Will DM put his share in her will for him

YelloDaisy · 14/08/2025 06:37

I spose if you divorced you would have a claim on some of this money

EllyRoff · 14/08/2025 06:39

No advice but I thought you said “my mum died during a video call” 😱 it’s too early for me

Sillibilliboi · 14/08/2025 06:48

So his mum is moving to be closer, but 100 miles is not a huge distance. Will there be an expectation that you and DH will look after her in her old age? Because be warned, this almost always means that the female partner does the vast majority, whether that be driving her to appointments, helping her clean the house, or help with personal care.

Oh and very sneaky of your DH to not make clear to you how much the inheritance is, or that he alone is intending to house his DM.

What is he saying about the situation?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 14/08/2025 07:38

Do you even want his mum moving close by?

PigletSanders · 14/08/2025 07:42

He’s put his mother ahead of his wife and children. Absolutely not ok. What the fuck is wrong with him?

MissyB1 · 14/08/2025 07:47

Never mind the money aspect, it’s the deception that is a massive red flag here. You are going to have to address it otherwise it will eat you up and massively affect your relationship.

TrishM80 · 14/08/2025 07:49

Your husband said it was 350k to both him and sister, so that's 700k in total. Am I misunderstanding something, Where's the lie here?

smugmugg · 14/08/2025 07:56

Is it because he thinks he doesn't need it? i.e sister still rents & presumably mil is not well off?

TunnocksOrDeath · 14/08/2025 07:56

TrishM80 · 14/08/2025 07:49

Your husband said it was 350k to both him and sister, so that's 700k in total. Am I misunderstanding something, Where's the lie here?

English is a horrible language. I think the OP meant that her DH originally said it was £350k to be shared between them both.
But now she's found out that it's £350k to each of them.

soupyspoon · 14/08/2025 07:59

TrishM80 · 14/08/2025 07:49

Your husband said it was 350k to both him and sister, so that's 700k in total. Am I misunderstanding something, Where's the lie here?

This is what Im thinking?

The OP doesnt even make sense and people are jumping to say they seem to understand it!

Perhaps its too early for me

Is it that perhaps its 700k each and he is going to gift 350k to his mother whereas OP thought it was 350k in total and he was gifting all of it to his mother?

Not sure what the problem is in any case, unless she means that she doesnt like the fact that he would have 350k that she didnt know about.

Also to add, its his money, its up to him what he does with it. 100 is a 'great distance'. Im 80 miles away from my parents and its a 2 hour drive which is a long way, its not up to OP whether her mother in law moves closer or not.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/08/2025 08:00

Is he buying a house and letting his mum live there? So it's also a long term investment? Or he is gifting her the money?

iirbRosb · 14/08/2025 08:08

I can’t see that he’s lied about the total but about how much is being gifted to your mil. I know it’s his inheritance but you are married and I’d have serious issue with him giving all that to his mum and to be honest why does he need to? He could use some to help her move but why does he need to give it all when it could change your lives so much. I’m all for helping parents but not to this extent

Confabulations · 14/08/2025 08:11

The cynic in me says that he is giving it to his mum so that it is kept safe from OP, in case of divorce. I have clearly been on MN too many years. 😳

Doesn't MIL have any of her own money? Is she selling where she lives now to move closer, and if so, what happens to that money?

Leaving my cynicism aside, you need an open conversation about what is going on, how much is involved and why so much is going to her if you are planning to privately educate. That kind of sum would be enough to cover the cost of one child throughout. Ask for clarity, approach it from a place of wanting to understand and support to make sure that both MIL and your children are looked after appropriately, that the money works as hard as it can etc. Rather than from a place of accusation.

HaddlerScoop · 14/08/2025 08:22

I am still reeling from the initial gifting of his share of £350k to his Mum considering where you both are as a family ie you could do with the money yourselves. To then find out it isn't a half share of £350k but the whole amount is sickening. Plus it means SIL is benefiting from the whole thing and your family is not seeing a penny.

I said on another thread about inheritance, the time you probably need money the most is when you have just bought a house or you have young children. I cannot believe he did this behind your back.