To think DH has been weird about phrasing this?

[WhatABigYikes]

Background: married 5 years, together 6 years, have a 2 year old and another on the way, I'm a SAHM (for now, and have full intention of returning to work after second baby is a year old) and have full transparency and control over finances (as in I have all the banking details, access to payslips, savings etc). DH has an OK job, but we are currently looking to move house/school fees etc and it will be a strain (factoring in my return to work too)
MIL is widowed, SIL works in charity sector and rents

DH and SIL are set to inherit some money. DH told me it was £350k to both and it will be gifted to MIL so that she can move closer to us all (as she currently lives about 100miles away).

My phone died in the middle of a videocall to my mum earlier and his was right near me so I just grabbed his to continue it. Full disclosure, I did semi-snoop. When I went to video call my mum, in his list of recent conversations I saw the beginning of a message to his sister say something like "well if my half will go to mum..."
So. Turns out the inheritance is actually £700k, SIL is taking her share to do whatever and DH is gifting his share to his mum.

AIBU to feel like this is a bit off - the fact that he didn't tell me the full story? Or is it none of my business?

This.

Yes we're in London so that money will just about buy a one bed flat.

I'm not sure tbh... I still haven't told him I saw his phone

I don't know yet. I'll speak to him after he is home from work tonight

I don't mind at all tbh. And when I originally thought the money was shared between DH and SIL, I also thought the plan was fine. She's a very sweet lady, never meddles and I think it would mean she would get to see grandchildren more often which is also a nice thing. I was lucky enough to be close to my grandparents growing up and I think it's such a special relationship for children - I'd love that for my DC

Whilst every penny helps obviously if you are moving to a bigger house in London and paying school fees for 2 dc you aren't struggling. Does your DH feel a responsibility to help his mum @WhatABigYikes

Well you need to look at those messages before you leap and ask questions if you don't trust you'll get honest answers.

It's possible his half is going to his mum, the other half on something else like her care, so in effect the full 700k going to mum.

Whether you agree with that isn't the issue for now. Facts first. Then processs your thoughts. Then talk to him.

I don't mind at all tbh. And when I originally thought the money was shared between DH and SIL, I also thought the plan was fine.

So is the issue that he is giving her 350k as opposed to 175k? Maybe it was just a wording thing as pp said, I read the OP as 350k each.

I read it as 350k each as well

OP did you misunderstand the amounts in the first place perhaps?

Bet his sister thinks he’s a right fucking mug. What a stupid plan, if he wants to help his mother move closer then either use the 350k to move, as he is planning to anyway and move her in or buy a small flat and rent it to her for a minimal amount.

He's not saying anything yet because I haven't mentioned it to him yet.

I know it isn't a huge distance but I think MIL feels a bit isolated on her own and is feeling a bit depressed. I'm not 100% sure about this and I don't want to get the language wrong but she can be a bit odd sometimes... And I wonder if there's something more to it and that she does need a bit of her family near her.

For example, she is a huge hoarder. She sort of just giggles if she doesn't know what to say and get conversation never moves beyond "hello, how are you, the weather is xyz today". She thinks doctors are paid to kill people. She takes medical advice from the internet (like drinking half a glass of olive oil everyday). She doesn't like travelling (which is fine in itself) but she'll not want to go out if it's windy/rainy/cloudy/too hot... Basically, very rarely goes out. She put her kitchen roll in the fridge and when I asked why l, she said she's always done that. Just odd quirks.

My understanding was that the full inheritance amount is £350k and him and his sister have chosen to use it to buy their mum a flat so she can be closer to us.

And I didn't mind that as it sounded quite fair that it was both of them taking shared responsibility to look after their mum. And I do think that's fine. She really doesn't have a lot and why not.

The bit which I feel is unfair is:
A) he wasn't transparent to me about what is actually happening
B) SIL gets a tonne of money to do whatever she wants (which is also in itself fine, she should do whatever she wants with her share) but DH is the only one helping his mum out. I feel like it should be an equal and joint responsibility.

That’s what I was wondering and definantly a further conversation is needed.

if he gives the money to his mum, then conceivably, his sister could inherit from that further down the line, so this needs to be considered as well.

Also, is it worth keeping the money in your name so it diesn’t get sent in care home fees?

Well A) are you absolutely sure that nothing has changed in terms of either your understanding of the amount or the amounts themselves? I know dealing with a recent estate, with 15 beneficiaries (which is different to your husband obviously), the amounts changed all the time because it wasnt clear what the deceased had or what they had in fact inherited from unresolved estates of other people who had died previously. It was a mess and quite difficult to work out also with IHT and needing to work out when and how that was paid and who was owed money back out of the estate to cover that payment upfront

B) thats up to them, your sister is law is obliged to make her own decision about what she does. Buying a flat is a good investment anyway from your husbands perspective, that keeps it within his and yours arena, Im not sure what the issue is

You'll just have to come clean and admit you saw the messages by mistake and say its left you wondering why he didnt tell you the whole amount or whether he got it wrong or you got it wrong.

If he does give her the money it should be as a loan. If he buys the property he will be liable for any capital gains. If his mum buys it, it will be her PPR and not liable to CGT. Also, if his sister is not contributing, it should be documented as a loan to prevent her having any claim on the money at death.

Op if it was me I wouldn’t say you snooped initially I’d just ask to discuss this mum house move with you. Tell him you want to understand the financial implications of it for your children. Let him talk and see if he admits it’s £350k of just his money and if he has made any provisions to ensure children inherit and it isn’t eaten up on care or as others say isn’t liable to inheritance by sister too.

If he lies to you I would be very concerned personally as it’s effectively showing he’s capable of very large lies multiple times that affect his wife and children. I would be then calling him out on the lie and seeing what he says…

PS could you mil have early stage dementia as that behaviour all together sounds more than quirky!

I don’t know but I could not just pretend I hadn’t seen. The lying is the issue. And the stupidity if he gives it to his mum and she dies and his sister gets half her estate- that’s just neglecting you and the kids.

B) SIL gets a tonne of money to do whatever she wants (which is also in itself fine, she should do whatever she wants with her share) but DH is the only one helping his mum out.

But presumably that's because she doesn't even have a home yet?

Why? Why is it always children that are expected to gain from any inheritance? Can’t they find their own way in life like everyone else who doesn’t have the luxury of an inheritance has to? Why is it so alien to want to look after a parent with it? I mean sure he should have told OP what he was doing but I don’t see why there’s always an automatic expectation that children always get the inheritance. We often get older posters on here who have expected to inherit for years and relied on using it to pay debts etc then get all upset if they don’t get anything or get less than another person, like there’s some sort of entitlement over other people’s money. Plenty of people spend it in their old age to make sure there won’t be an inheritance, it’s their money after all. Yes he should have told his wife about it but surely it’s his inheritance, not hers. If the roles were reversed you’d be telling her to tell him to get stuffed it’s her inheritance and she can gift it to whoever she likes. That’s what I love about MN the glaring double standards.

You're going to have to tell him you know Op because there's things he's not taken into consideration. His DM doesn't sound as if her MH is good, if she ends up in a care home her flat will be sold to pay for it and the money will be gone for good.

It's the lying Id be bothered about, more than the actual plan.

I dont agree when people say that inheritance goes to the person and their family. So Id be ok with him doing what he thought he he needed to do (although in this case it doesnt sounds completely fair) but I'd be upset that he hadnt told me the truth.

Did he think that you wpuld maybe lay claim on it?

Even if she did have her own home, its his choice if he wants to buy a flat with it. It advantages him (and OP)in the long run anyway.

Completely this, my OH is not going to tell me what to do with my inheritance, its mine.

I would suggest to your husband that he buys somewhere for his mum to live and keeps the ownership for himself. When she dies he will then be able to sell the flat - just as he can if she goes into a home. If she owns it and dies intestate, his sister will then inherit half of it as well as the amount she's already had.

There's no point in her owning the place if she goes into a home and has to pay for her own care at around £5,000 per month. It will disappear in a flash.

So why does it matter that his sister isn’t now going halves? You didn’t mind him giving his mum money when you thought they both were but now it’s an issue cos she’s not contributing hers?