AIBU to think my ex should pay more child maintenance when he earns £720k a year?

[Pashpash24]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible while giving some back story.

I was with my ex-partner for four years. We had a son together, but he walked out before he was born. He saw him a few times as a newborn, but I had asked that he didn’t bring his new partner. My son was six weeks old when he turned up at my door with her, even though I’d said it was too soon.

He took me to court saying she should be allowed to meet him. The court agreed it was too soon and suggested maybe when the baby was older.

Because of that, he told me he would never see his son again. I was devastated and said fine, she can meet him, because I didn’t want him to walk away. But he still refused and never saw him again.

For six years, he had no contact — no visits, no messages, nothing. The only thing he did was pay child maintenance. It was a decent amount (£1,277.50 a month), and I never asked for more.

He went on to have three more children with his now wife. I just got on with life until one day my son came out of school and asked, “I must have a dad, right?” I’d never told him about his father because I didn’t want him to feel abandoned.

When he started asking more questions, I texted his dad to say I was going to tell him the truth — I wasn’t going to raise him on a lie. I’d messaged over the years, even sent photos, and he’d read them on WhatsApp but never replied. So I didn’t expect a response this time either.

Surprisingly, he replied and said maybe it was time to meet. This was when my son was six (he’s now nearly nine). In the last three years, he’s probably met him in person about 10 times. He calls roughly once every 10 days, which I think is poor — it should’ve progressed a lot more by now.

Anyway, to the point. I recently logged into my Child Maintenance account after receiving an unusual notification. It showed his salary: £720,000 a year.

I’ve always been paid £1,277.50 a month because that’s what CMS caps it at. He could earn £1 million a week and I’d still receive that same amount — you have to go to court for any increase.

Would he be able to afford more? Absolutely. I know it’s a decent amount, but he only pays it because that’s the legal minimum CMS tells him to.

I’m self-employed and work part-time so my son can do after-school activities — he’s football mad and trains/plays four times a week. I’m essentially raising him alone; my dad moved 40 miles away, and I have no relationship with my mum. I rarely get a break, but that’s been the reality since the start.

I’ve never asked for an increase, but life is much more expensive now. £1,277 doesn’t go as far as it did six years ago, and £720,000 a year is a huge income.

To put it into perspective — CMS only calculates maintenance on a maximum salary of £156,000 a year. My ex earns over four times that, but I still only get the amount they’d set for £156k — just over 2% of his actual income. Unless I go to court for a “top-up order”, that’s all I’ll ever get.

AIBU to ask for more?

Oh come on, if you want your son to have a better quality of life you need to do more than work as a part-time cleaner. His dad pays plenty and UC will be paying most of your rent. You're doing fine.

Because his bare minimum is higher than most doesn’t change the fact that it’s still the bare minimum, and his son won’t have anything like the lifestyle of the other three children who will have access to everything a £27k a month salary can provide.

UC won’t be paying any more of OP’s rent that the local housing authority rate, and it isn’t a lot.

Well, exactly. It's absolutely ludicrous for women to say the child's father's new female partner is just as much of a threat as a mothers new male partner.

They just are not. Purely based on statistics, a child would be much safer with dad's new girlfriend than mum's new boyfriend.

It's ludicrous to suggest otherwise and an affront to women to suggest that they're just as dangerous as a man towards children.

I think reasonable to ask for more, it would seem appropriate to me that any extra goes directly to fund something for your DS. Yes his earnings as a professional sportsman are unlikely to continue forever, but that does not take away the hear and now.

The law is outdated in my opinion regarding parental responsibility. I did not expect it to change between 2019 and 2022 for reasons which do not need to be spelt out, but there is a new government who should address this.

The vile replies on this thread absolutely reek of jealousy.

You can guarantee he's spending far more on his other three children than he gives his firstborn, in school fees alone. Why should your son miss out, just because he decided to ditch his mother? I'd rinse him for whatever you can, and I don't care how awful that sounds.

OMG please try and extract what you can - for your son's sake. He's getting away with paying you peanuts and should by rights, have similar opportunities to his step siblings ie education etc.. If you feel bad, just put your best Lauryn Goodman head on - she had no shame!

Last line is possibly the worst advice ive heard on here

Honestly I live in a rented house in Leeds in a really bog standard area and the rent on the house is £1100 a month. I could move to a really rough shit hole and I’d still be paying £800+. I have been saving and saving and saving for a mortgage and I’m almost there. Council tax alone is £150 a month with my discount. Don’t even get me started on car insurance. I can’t claim UC but I can claim help with childcare but that’s it. I know everyone keeps cribbing me for working part time but I actually earn okay money but I still do struggle sometimes.

You’d have a better chance if you ask for an investment in your son’s name or for private school. Otherwise you seem a bit ungrateful.

JHound

He plays sport for a living

The whole post reeks of jealousy from the original poster. She didn't end up married to him with all that money.

Your ex could pay more, yes, because he is a high earner, but you should have a full time job like most people supporting children, (welfare recipients aside). Your wealthy ex shouldn’t be supporting your lifestyle/affording you the luxury of working part time.
If there was no wealthy ex, you wouldn’t be able to work part, would you?

Ungrateful ?!!

He earns over 600 times in a year what he pays to her a month

I'd say he's being a pretty shit dad and should do better

@TesChiquenever a truer word spoken…. Astroturf anyone?

You are very fortunate to be getting that level of child maintenance.

I worked outside the home part time, so I could be at home as a mother - all this “ you should work full time” because other do you should

shouldnt be grateful for child maintenance either

Right?! I'm shocked that a taxpayer has to pay for this child's upkeep rather than his rich father! The system is rotten to the core!

Thats a bit uncalled for. I’m jealous because he didn’t marry me 🙈 I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of his bank balance but im definitely not jealous we didn’t get married lol.

I think what people are failing to grasp here is that yes - £1200 a month is a lot for one child. I’m sure it helps OP.

BUT - this is nothing when you look at his salary. I just put that in to a salary calculator and it shows take home ( so could be more I don’t know if £720k is take home or pre tax ) as £32,000 per month ?? Is this right?? If so , that’s equivalent of someone taking home 3k a month and paying £150 ish per month for their child. £32 per week.

He has other children who are living a lavish life and his one son is not. He completely abandoned his child for a huge part of his life and now sees him occasionally.

OP has explicitly said that she would be happy for him to take their son out , on holidays etc , but he doesn’t. He treats him completely different to his other children.

I don’t think YABU . I would tread carefully, you don’t want to pay legal fees and get no where . You also don’t want to risk the financial side of the relationship souring and your son being affected out of spite , but I would get advice.

The bare minimum for his salary, yes, child maintenance is capped so he would pay the same if he earned £200k or £720k.

I grew up with a very rich dad who paid the minimum maintenance possible for his three kids, and often posted the cheque late to fuck with my mother's head. He stopped it completely when we went to Uni on the basis we had moved out, forgetting the fact we needed somewhere to live during the holidays. My mum worked all the hours to provide for us.

Despite that, I don't think other women who get more or don't have to deal with shit behaviour like that should count themselves lucky and not complain, it's not a race to the bottom.

Well said

? It’s not what you think is ‘enough’ it’s what the court decides a high earner should pay for his child

The dad could pay OP every penny he earns and it wouldn’t reduce how much OP gets from the taxpayer