AIBU to think my ex should pay more child maintenance when he earns £720k a year?

[Pashpash24]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible while giving some back story.

I was with my ex-partner for four years. We had a son together, but he walked out before he was born. He saw him a few times as a newborn, but I had asked that he didn’t bring his new partner. My son was six weeks old when he turned up at my door with her, even though I’d said it was too soon.

He took me to court saying she should be allowed to meet him. The court agreed it was too soon and suggested maybe when the baby was older.

Because of that, he told me he would never see his son again. I was devastated and said fine, she can meet him, because I didn’t want him to walk away. But he still refused and never saw him again.

For six years, he had no contact — no visits, no messages, nothing. The only thing he did was pay child maintenance. It was a decent amount (£1,277.50 a month), and I never asked for more.

He went on to have three more children with his now wife. I just got on with life until one day my son came out of school and asked, “I must have a dad, right?” I’d never told him about his father because I didn’t want him to feel abandoned.

When he started asking more questions, I texted his dad to say I was going to tell him the truth — I wasn’t going to raise him on a lie. I’d messaged over the years, even sent photos, and he’d read them on WhatsApp but never replied. So I didn’t expect a response this time either.

Surprisingly, he replied and said maybe it was time to meet. This was when my son was six (he’s now nearly nine). In the last three years, he’s probably met him in person about 10 times. He calls roughly once every 10 days, which I think is poor — it should’ve progressed a lot more by now.

Anyway, to the point. I recently logged into my Child Maintenance account after receiving an unusual notification. It showed his salary: £720,000 a year.

I’ve always been paid £1,277.50 a month because that’s what CMS caps it at. He could earn £1 million a week and I’d still receive that same amount — you have to go to court for any increase.

Would he be able to afford more? Absolutely. I know it’s a decent amount, but he only pays it because that’s the legal minimum CMS tells him to.

I’m self-employed and work part-time so my son can do after-school activities — he’s football mad and trains/plays four times a week. I’m essentially raising him alone; my dad moved 40 miles away, and I have no relationship with my mum. I rarely get a break, but that’s been the reality since the start.

I’ve never asked for an increase, but life is much more expensive now. £1,277 doesn’t go as far as it did six years ago, and £720,000 a year is a huge income.

To put it into perspective — CMS only calculates maintenance on a maximum salary of £156,000 a year. My ex earns over four times that, but I still only get the amount they’d set for £156k — just over 2% of his actual income. Unless I go to court for a “top-up order”, that’s all I’ll ever get.

AIBU to ask for more?

He didn't want the child.

He's not abandoned anything or anyone.

He just didn't visit a child he was clear he didn't want but the mother decided to have, knowing this.

Are you one of these women that think anyone who impregnates you is now duty bound to fund you and your child for life, and should be forced raise the child they didn't want but you decided they would be getting regardless. And if they don't they're a "shit father."

Women need to take accountability that with the sole control over whether a child is born, comes the absolute responsibility of the circumstances you choose for that child to be born in too. If those circumstances turn out to be shit for the child, grow up and look in the mirror instead of anyone else to deflect on too.

I have an old acquaintance who did exactly this.

I say acquaintance, because she is an old work colleague.She was a secretary there.

She had a friends with benefits precisely as this original poster described. It was obvious they were neve in a relationship, it was random, hook up here and there.

She got pregnant though, and as she was in her late thirties, she let slip to me that she had stopped taking her pill and she actually had feelings for him. Last chance saloon to have a baby.

I do also wonder about how the OPs kid suddenly came to existence when you re not in a relationship and you know that. Surely you use bombproof contraception.

He didn't stand by my old colleague as they weren't in a relationship.It was never agreed they were in a relationship.

Basically, he's gone, she didn't see him for dust. I'll hand it to her, though she's working to support the child as best she can. But she also has a long term health condition, which has worsened and their lives are quite chaotic, as she's frequently unwell and too ill to work.

She doesn't dare contact her ex or make a claim to child maintenance. In case he comes and demands contact with the child and she doesn't want that.

She can't really claim abandonment, either given her choices.

Exactly this.

I think she assumed a baby would increase her status and cement her place in his life. Banking on that he'd change his mind when baby was born and suddenly develop feelings for OP and her baby.

She won't be the first, not last. And sometimes that plan does work, for a while anyway.

But she needs to be honest with herself, and accept her part in all this, for what is going to be little fun for her child. It will be shit to see the result of 3 children born of a loving marriage in a successful and loving household. It's none of their fault that OP chose to keep a pregnancy ten years ago when the man didn't want the child with her. You can't play the shit father card, because he's clearly very good with the children he chose to have. It's just too uncomfortable to be truthful and say "only I wanted the pregnancy, and it's both parties right to not want keep every single pregnancy they might have conceived, for all manner of reasons. So actually, no one did anything wrong, your life is different because of the circumstances I chose for you"

I sometimes wonder if my old work colleague thinks about this.

It's a taboo subject with her.We just don't mention it. Her childs parentage that is.

He completely legged it, and she never even claimed maintenance. It's because she doesn't want him having anything to do with the kid now.

I wonder if he has a partner wife or more children. He's about the same age as the OPs son just a little bit younger.

Apparently he's never asked about his dad, but he's bound to at some point.Although she's convinced herself, he's completely find just with her and doesn't even think about it on the rare occasions, she does mention it.

Yep.

Of course lots of kids are fine from single parent families. And lots aren't.

I guess when you grow up with just mum (who wanted you) your only frame of reference is that a parent should dote on you. So by that train of logic if dad didn't want you he's horrible and has abandoned you, not that dad was perfectly reasonable in not wanting to keep the pregnancy with mum. And then trying to reconcile dad simultaneously being the doting parent to three other children.

The difference is, the children that mum doesn't want, simply never happen. So mums never have to answer to a child that they perfectly reasonably didn't want to have. Dad's have too. When all they've done is made the same decision as the mum did.

Definitely not outraged by a stranger on the internet, I just think your responses are horrible and extremely angry about something that’s not really present in the posts. The child isn’t generic, he’s a boy - she said that from the start.

The father left her when she became pregnant four years into a relationship, but somehow you’re making him the victim. i don’t think she’s said anything about being abandoned.

From the first post: ‘I was with my ex-partner for four years. We had a son together, but he walked out before he was born. He saw him a few times as a newborn, but I had asked that he didn’t bring his new partner. My son was six weeks old when he turned up at my door with her, even though I’d said it was too soon.’

He wasn’t ‘a friend with benefits’ and the OP never said any such thing.

I think a lot of posters are getting sidetracked. Fundamentally do we think it's OK that one parent pays most of their income on their child or towards their child (eg in housing, or a reduction in salary to keep a job with flexible hours) while the other parent pays less than 5% of their salary towards their child, meaning that their shared child has a significantly lower standard of living than:

• They would have had, if their parents hadn't split
• Their half siblings have

When it could relatively easily be changed by the non resident parent, without any real impact to them or their new family

I personally don't think this is ok, and its pretty low to be suggesting the OP is greedy for wanting better for her son. And when it's the other way around, and posters are talking about their partner paying maintenance to their ex, everyone always says good parents pay more than the absolute minimum and pay their share of extras.

You’re really reaching here just to continue your diatribe.

None of us know the circumstances of the relationship - OP says he ‘walked out’ which most would read as living together. You’ve no idea how long it was before he married the other woman or how long before they had children. The OP might well have discussed children with the father, got pregnant and then he left without warning (likely because he was shagging the other woman by then). So OP should have aborted a baby that she wanted because he left? And not doing that makes her an opportunist. Ok then.

And I really don’t understand this bizarre thing about jealousy. Picture it, a man you love has left without warning when you tell him you’re having a baby. He visits a few times, seems interested but then asks to bring his new girlfriend. You’re six weeks post-partum. Who in their right mind would agree to that? Who in their right mind would suggest it? What kind of woman would think it appropriate to visit her new boyfriend’s baby so soon? Or shack up with a man with a new baby for that matter?

You seem heavily invested in the version of this that paints him and the now wife as perfect, and willing to make up information to suit that. Try telling yourself the story a different way, see what happens.

I haven’t RTFT and I don’t know the ins and outs of family law, but I’d be concerned about working P/T because I’m receiving £1300/months in CMS. This won’t be forever (maybe another 10 years?) and soon you won’t have access to your ex’s salary at all. You need to think longterm about developing a career and building up a pension, because once your son is an adult, CMS and child benefit and any other child-related payments will stop and you will have to fend for yourself.

I’ve just seen that your ex plays sport for a living. In that case, as has been mentioned, he has a different pay trajectory than in most jobs. His pay will peak in his youth, perhaps in his 30s, then it will drop significantly. You can go after more money now, sure, but the additional payment might be short-lived if he finishes a contract and signs a much lower paying one. Just something to think about.

Tbh I don't think he should pay you more, £1,200 a month as a 50% contribution to the raising of one child is a decent amount, it's not really your business what he earns as long as he's helping to provide for his son and he is at a good rate 🤷‍♀️

YANBU. Ask for more.

OP has completely ignored this and just focused on the fact that she can't work more because of her child. One 9 year old...

Her child is nine. Therefore, she has less than nine years until she loses her exes maintenance and all of her child related benefits. She's burying her head in the sand and looking for ways to get more money out of her ex rather than worrying about herself.

Her ex is obliged to support the child until he's an adult.He's not not obliged to support her until she dies. She's got to make some kind of plan for having a decent income for herself but she's just ignoring all of this.

They were together 4yrs so not sure how he never had a relationship with her.

Well, he split when she was pregnant.So it's suggests that it wasn't a strong, a relationship as she thought. They clearly hadn't planned children.And after four years weren't even married.

What OP called a 4yr relationship, I suspect he would call different. They didn't even live together. She was in a £550 a month rental. Which has increased to £950 a month rental or an £1100 a month rental as she's changed the figure within 2 posts...

I imagine the period of time since they first slept together and the last time they slept together was 4yrs, but they certainly weren't building a future or home together. 4 years is quite a time (apart from divorcees who are adamant they'll never live with anyone again, and single parents who don't want to move anyone in with their child) to go nowhere in a genuine relationship.

There are two examples in the last couple of pages about women who were sleeping with men they were infatuated with, and the men very clearly didn't think there was any relationship. It's what the women called it though.

You have the luxury of only having to work part time I would say you’re doing ok.

If you try to go for more money he could be spiteful and find ways around getting out of it or even lowering what he already gives you.

nearly £1300 a month is the same as some people’s salary.

I don’t think you’d be at all unreasonable to ask for extra financial support. It’s good he pays the CMS level but it’s obviously a drop in the bucket to his earnings.

FWIW I think it’s appalling that many single parents don’t even get CMS level support but that is irrelevant to your circumstances.

There was a potential pregnancy in november last year for this poster, too.

She hasn't mentioned being in a relationship at all on this thread, though.So I do wonder if her definition of relationship is, in fact different than most people's.

I wonder if that would make the poster that said the ex should buy her a house change their mind about that.

No idea about that one. But, it does suggest she makes a habit of this. Getting pregnant without being in an established relationship.

Who was going to pay for that child if she had been pregnant given that she only wants to work part-time time.

Children aren't a lifestyle choice for benefits and maintenance for someone else to pay for.

Of course he should be paying more! You have to look after the child as he will not and therefore he should not only be paying for what the child needs, but he should be paying for the childcare you have been giving his child. You have also missed out on potential career opportunities by being the sole parent. It should also be exactly the same amount he spends providing for his other children. Some of the answers on here are pure nonsense sayng you're greedy. This man made the child and is very rich, he therefore needs to pay a proper proportion of his wages to the child and for the child's mother to look after them in a manner appropriate to what the father earns. And this is from someone who gets a tenner a week for child maintenance as the father has quit his part time job, has three other children by different women and believes children don't need money to live off. No wonder men get everything they want and away with everything when even women set the bar so disgustingly low.

Because the majority of people who make the rules are men on very high incomes....

You’re just making things up aren’t you? You’ve consistently claimed things that aren’t true and you just keep going. It’s actually quite funny, you remind of someone I used to work with. Could never get anything done because she spent the whole time giving her opinion on things that hadn’t even happened. Great way to while away an hour but not someone to take seriously. Turned out she was addicted to co-codamol. She got fired in the end. Quite sad.

Obviously you can wildly speculate about things but the facts are written down.

The father wasn’t married to the new woman when the baby was six weeks old, and it’s entirely reasonable for a mother to say she doesn’t want a person she doesn’t know fully involved in her six week old baby’s life. Would you have let your six week old DC be looked after by a stranger because ‘they’re oblivious’?

Despite the court agreeing, the father threw his toys out the pram and then the OP capitulated and said let the woman be involved and the hapless father still didn’t stick around. He doesn’t so much seem like he didn’t want the child as he didn’t want to not get his own way.