Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is something not quite adding up here or am I overthinking it?

34 replies

Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 10:28

My friend met a guy in December, they went on a couple of dates but he was quite full on so she ended it. They kept in touch as they have a lot of similar interests in fitness, they got back together in March this year and have been together since.
They spend most of their weekends together, doing their sports related stuff. They seem to go away most weekends.
He doesn’t work and he’s in his 40’s, when I asked her what he does she says she doesn’t really know. He spends a lot of money paying for them to do sporting events and staying away and she says he refuses to let her pay.
He has two phones, which if he was working I could maybe understand but as he doesn’t work, who needs 2 phones?!
He’s Planning to put his house up for sale, but keep a portion of the land but he wants to put the land in her name. Once he’s sold the house, he was planning to move closer to her as they are an hour away at the moment but that’s recently changed and his new plan is to buy a touring caravan and pitch it up a 3-4hr drive from her so he can spend the week focusing on his hobbies and they’ll travel between at the weekends.
Shes met his daughter a couple of times and his mum once, but not any of his other family - Dad, Sister, Brother.
He wants to take her and her children on holiday, when they went to book the trip he gave her cash and asked her to put it in her bank account and book the holiday in her name.
Am I being overly cautious here for my friend or does this all sound like a walking red flag?!
She was previously in an abusive relationship and she is pretty easy going, when I’ve spoken to her about it she says it’s all fine and there’s nothing weird about it but I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Battels · 13/08/2025 10:32

Is she of an unusually incurious disposition? Because quite apart from the fact that he seems to want not to be findable (selling his house and living in a camper, giving her cash to book things in her name, putting land in her name), I’d be frankly astonished for someone to make it to the end of a date, far less several months into a relationship, without knowing what the person did for a living.

NeverOneBiscuit · 13/08/2025 10:33

Massive red flags. Sounds like money laundering, drugs, tax dodging, or maybe avoiding CMS? Could be lots of things.

Either way, as I experienced with a close friend, she’ll have to see it for herself. The only thing that I found worked was to ask subtle questions, which hopefully pointed out the contradictions/warning signs.

Justsmileanwave · 13/08/2025 10:35

Massive red flags. Why all that if they aren't in a relationship. And putting stuff in her name and cash etc. she needs to stay well out of it. At first I didn't think anything about the two phones thinking a work one which many people have but then you said he doesn't work.

PInkyStarfish · 13/08/2025 10:36

He sounds like he’s a criminal of sorts. A wheeler dealer or a drug dealer.

But whatever he is it’s none of your business as she’s can make her own mind up about who she dates. If it becomes obvious that he’s a criminal you can drop her like a hot potato.

PandaCwtch · 13/08/2025 10:39

She's been seeing him 5 months and he wants to put land in her name? And she doesn't think that's weird at all?

As the first pp says, is she normally so incurious or uninterested? There are very few people that I would consider friends that I have no idea what they do for a living (or what they did, if they've stopped); it's one of those innocuous conversation making questions early on.

HenDoNot · 13/08/2025 10:48

I can’t work out who is the dimwit here - you for believing your friend when she says that she doesn’t know what he does for a living, or her for apparently not asking him a single question about anything since December 😂

Either way she’s happy to ignore all the red flags whist he’s flashing the cash and promising to put land in her name. She clearly enjoys bragging to you about his money and all of the things he pays for.

Go check the land registry if you know his address, I’ll bet my next months mortgage payments he doesn’t own the property. He owns a property and land, but wants to go live in a caravan? Aye right.

Her and her kids are probably going to end up transporting drugs on this all expenses paid holiday, or he’s a Tinder Swindler type with numerous other stupid women on the go and he’s going to fleece her.

It’s only her kids that I feel any sympathy for in this scenario.

You’ve tried talking to her already, she’s not interested.

Tell her to stop showing off about his money, just shut her down every time she starts, and leave her to it.

Rallentanda · 13/08/2025 10:49

I don't think you're overthinking it. Either he's a criminal (two phones, cash, nothing in his name) and he's using her, or he's found someone he wants to keep, and will be controlling towards her in an escalating pattern.

Having said that, the caravan will presumably be a property in his name?

Disastrous to be legally entangled with him, I would tell her that. I would also be worrying about large amounts of cash - who is routinely using cash these days? And I'd be wanting to know what job he has done in the past that gives him the income to 'only' do his hobby in his 40s.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/08/2025 11:05

Putting land into her name is well dodgy as is a 40 yrs old man with no job and tons of cash unless he has a trust fund. Is your DF really so smitten she's turned a blind eye to it all because it will all blow up on her one day

HoskinsChoice · 13/08/2025 11:06

Red flags all over the place. And tell her to get some self-respect and stop sponging off a man!

13SixWeetabix · 13/08/2025 11:12

Wow. Either your friend is very dim, or she is not giving you the full story about Dodgy Dave.

Alwaysinamood · 13/08/2025 11:32

Definitely a drug dealer with two phones !! Or could he be a gypsy?

BauhausOfEliott · 13/08/2025 11:37

He's a crook. It couldn't be any more obvious.

Cerezo · 13/08/2025 11:40

Mates rates on the cocaine he is quite obviously selling in large quantities.

Tablesandchairs23 · 13/08/2025 11:49

He's obviously a criminal. Has your friend not learnt anything from her last relationship. If your friend is happy to put up with it. Nothing you can do.

Original poster
Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 11:52

Alwaysinamood · 13/08/2025 11:32

Definitely a drug dealer with two phones !! Or could he be a gypsy?

I did wonder this, she mentioned something about him talking to his friend on the phone and they said you’ve got some gypsy in you haven’t you…or something along those lines but she said he quickly dismissed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 11:53

my first thought was drug dealer and that’s what the rest of us said to her but she hasn’t seen any evidence of drugs. I know she doesn’t take drugs and she said he doesn’t either.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 13/08/2025 11:54

How many red flag bingo calls does she deliberately want to ignore?

tinytemper66 · 13/08/2025 13:05

Drug dealer

AgentJohnson · 13/08/2025 13:09

How many red flag bingo calls does she deliberately want to ignore?

This

NuffSaidSam · 13/08/2025 13:13

She's turning a blind eye to his criminal behaviour in order to benefit financially.

Fine for her. I'd be concerned for the kids though. How old are they?

Sunaquarius · 13/08/2025 13:32

There is very obviously some dodgy money he's laundering in this scenario.

Why does he want to put land in her name of not to disassociate himself with whatever dodgy thing is going on on that land?

All very dodgy.

Lafufufu · 13/08/2025 13:35

I mean there's a lot of red flags.

This one left me open mouthed

He’s Planning to put his house up for sale, but keep a portion of the land but he wants to put the land in her name

Daisyvodka · 13/08/2025 13:40

She knows and just isnt telling you, surely. What did she say when you said 'how do you not know what he does?'

Britneyfan · 13/08/2025 13:46

Daisyvodka · 13/08/2025 13:40

She knows and just isnt telling you, surely. What did she say when you said 'how do you not know what he does?'

Yeah I also think this! She totally knows but just doesn’t want to tell you as she knows you’ll disapprove. It’s inconceivable that someone is in a relationship for this long and doesn’t know what he does for work, especially if he is flashing the cash and eg handing over large amounts of cash rather than bank transfer etc for a holiday. Who does that?! I agree it sounds highly likely he is a criminal ?drug dealer (most drug dealers don’t take drugs themselves…) Or worse!

dogcatkitten · 13/08/2025 13:49

Could just be working on the black, everything cash in hand and doesn't want to put too much through the books or he has a wife or ex-wife that he wants to hide money from. The land is really odd though, has it been done properly through land registry? Is it meant to be a gift or is she just looking after it for him?

If she is just enjoying the gravy train fair enough but she should be watching for the bumps ahead and be prepared to answer some awkward questions, possibly from the police at some point.