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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is something not quite adding up here or am I overthinking it?

34 replies

Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 10:28

My friend met a guy in December, they went on a couple of dates but he was quite full on so she ended it. They kept in touch as they have a lot of similar interests in fitness, they got back together in March this year and have been together since.
They spend most of their weekends together, doing their sports related stuff. They seem to go away most weekends.
He doesn’t work and he’s in his 40’s, when I asked her what he does she says she doesn’t really know. He spends a lot of money paying for them to do sporting events and staying away and she says he refuses to let her pay.
He has two phones, which if he was working I could maybe understand but as he doesn’t work, who needs 2 phones?!
He’s Planning to put his house up for sale, but keep a portion of the land but he wants to put the land in her name. Once he’s sold the house, he was planning to move closer to her as they are an hour away at the moment but that’s recently changed and his new plan is to buy a touring caravan and pitch it up a 3-4hr drive from her so he can spend the week focusing on his hobbies and they’ll travel between at the weekends.
Shes met his daughter a couple of times and his mum once, but not any of his other family - Dad, Sister, Brother.
He wants to take her and her children on holiday, when they went to book the trip he gave her cash and asked her to put it in her bank account and book the holiday in her name.
Am I being overly cautious here for my friend or does this all sound like a walking red flag?!
She was previously in an abusive relationship and she is pretty easy going, when I’ve spoken to her about it she says it’s all fine and there’s nothing weird about it but I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 14:53

I genuinely think she doesn’t know, she said he doesn’t work now and hasn’t done since they met. He used to have a business that he sold a few years back…so I think she assumes he must have got some money from there, enough to live off.
She isn’t sponging off him and doesn’t need his money as she her own successful business and was telling me that she feels uncomfortable with him refusing to let her pay.
The only thing I can think of is that it must be drugs or something shady, how do I get her to push to find out more?
She did do one of the police checks in March as she was concerned there might be more to him not working and if there was anything he was hiding from her but they never responded after the initial ID stage, so I guess she just assumed there was nothing to know.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 13/08/2025 15:35

Trust your gut. He's off grid for a reason. Sounds totally dodgy to me

Cerezo · 13/08/2025 17:10

Wait wait, did you say she hasn’t seen any evidence of drugs?

Apart from the secretive cash business, lavish lifestyle, attempts to hide assets, moveable location and 2 phones?

What evidence would be a red flag for her?

IPM · 13/08/2025 17:17

Just as concerning is that she's allowing him to pay for everything.

No matter where his money is coming from and why he may have two phones, she needs to stop this and pay her own way.

She's actually helping to create a power imbalance by not putting her hand in her pocket very often.

HoskinsChoice · 13/08/2025 18:08

Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 14:53

I genuinely think she doesn’t know, she said he doesn’t work now and hasn’t done since they met. He used to have a business that he sold a few years back…so I think she assumes he must have got some money from there, enough to live off.
She isn’t sponging off him and doesn’t need his money as she her own successful business and was telling me that she feels uncomfortable with him refusing to let her pay.
The only thing I can think of is that it must be drugs or something shady, how do I get her to push to find out more?
She did do one of the police checks in March as she was concerned there might be more to him not working and if there was anything he was hiding from her but they never responded after the initial ID stage, so I guess she just assumed there was nothing to know.

'She isn’t sponging off him and doesn’t need his money as she her own successful business and was telling me that she feels uncomfortable with him refusing to let her pay.'

🤣 Bollox! Of course she's sponging. If she was genuinely uncomfortable, she wouldn't let him, I doubt he's holding a gun to her head!

HoskinsChoice · 13/08/2025 18:13

This is an 'asking for a friend' thing isnt it?' Why would you ask this but then defend her because she 'genuinely' hasn't seen drugs, does t know what he does isn't sponging blah, blah blah. This is you isn't it!

Might be wise to end the relationship.

Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 18:47

HoskinsChoice · 13/08/2025 18:13

This is an 'asking for a friend' thing isnt it?' Why would you ask this but then defend her because she 'genuinely' hasn't seen drugs, does t know what he does isn't sponging blah, blah blah. This is you isn't it!

Might be wise to end the relationship.

It’s just me being concerned for a friend, not me! I’m happily married and have been for the last 10 years.
Was just asking for other peoples opinions on the situation before I try and push it further to my friend .

OP posts:
Penelope124 · 13/08/2025 18:47

HoskinsChoice · 13/08/2025 18:13

This is an 'asking for a friend' thing isnt it?' Why would you ask this but then defend her because she 'genuinely' hasn't seen drugs, does t know what he does isn't sponging blah, blah blah. This is you isn't it!

Might be wise to end the relationship.

It’s just me being concerned for a friend, not me! I’m happily married and have been for the last 10 years.
Was just asking for other peoples opinions on the situation before I try and push it further to my friend .

OP posts:
Fayaway · 13/08/2025 18:57

Have to agree with @HoskinsChoice here.
Your update about the successful business your "friend" owns is even more alarming, coming after the concern regarding the land to be transferred to her name. I was on a jury after a large OCG operation, everyone on the periphery was charged with something including wife, girlfriend, adult child... we had two huge dossiers of phone call transcripts and surveillance photos. She may think this is just using some cash but will be swept into any investigations - and they do overlap so not necessarily if the boyfriend was arrested, could be an associate. Of course she has already alerted the police to someone they may already be watching - they are not exactly going to get back to her about it! Don't even worry about being used as a mule on holiday as he'll be one of the money men, he wouldn't have been anywhere near any actual drugs.
I watched This City is Ours and it was so depressing not only because of ruthless and greedy men but also the way the women know, but are in complete denial as they don't want to lose the lifestyle.

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