AIBU to just LTB and give MIL her puppet back

[Mogwais]

Okay, please bear with me this is going to be a long one! I've been married for 5 years 2 dc of my own, 1 dc together & a MIL from hell, so as not to drip feed mil has done some really nasty things previously to try to split us up Inc. questioning if our dc was actually my dh or my exhs said to him not me, also suggested I get an abortion as it was soon into our relationship. Lots of other stuff but too many to list. Anyway last night MIL sent pics of cars for h as we need a new car, whilst I was looking at the cars, I inadvertently saw messages between MIL & h discussing our private business, we've been having problems in our marriage but I thought we were trying to make it work. Messages from h were saying lies about all the things I make him do, how he's so unappreciated, how I'm never happy with anything he does etc. Sending her screenshot of private messages between us where I was literally telling him he needed to seek professional help for the mh issues he has as I can't take his problems on as I have my own plus 3 dc who are going through stuff & his mh problems are bad, MIL has replied with so much nastiness, saying I'm obviously using him, to get out and move home with her, that I obviously don't care about him, only she does, to take me to court to get custody of youngest dc. & basically how evil I am. He's replied saying yeah I'm going to leave, I'm just going to go while she's asleep etc & on top of that he's been lying about where he's been when he's been hours late from work. There's so much more but I'd be here all day typing. After she did a similar thing previously we went NC & it was great we actually started getting on. But now their in contact again & it's happening again. H has mh issues & is easily manipulated by his mum, she destroyed his 1st marriage the same way. He's now saying he doesn't want to leave, he sees what she's doing again and wants to go NC again, but my heads a mess I would struggle financially if he left but I feel like both my H & mil are literally sucking the life out of me. AIBU to just say enough is enough & accept I'll never be able to get him away from the toxic MIL & it's best to just LTB & let his mother deal with his mh & mould him into what she wants. I honestly feel like she's the other woman in our marriage.

The fact that your OH has shared communications that were private between you both is reason enough to end this relationship.

Yeah, id send him back to mummy dearest! This will never change and she will continue to be a spiteful cow til the day she dies!

MIL is a complete narcissist, when we went NC with her before I honestly thought he'd realised she will never ever let him have a life of his own, but sadly it seems not. That's why it's so hard to just leave as she's going to destroy him.

You may struggle a bit financially, but seriously how much better would your life be?

I dont rush to LTB but I cannot see any positives in what you have written that make it worth staying
..

It's been the subject of a lot of arguments previously not just with his mother but work colleagues, friends etc telling our private business with is own spin on it of course, whereas I'm very private, I am ND so sometimes I struggle with what the normal acceptable behaviour is, & both mil & h have a way of making me feel like I'm in the wrong, hence the post, get some realistic perspective.

Do you really want to salvage this relationship though? Sounds like its been tough going from the start with him having his strings pulled and her doing the pulling.

Plus, hes now telling her lies about you? Revealing private information?

This would all be too much for me.

You have yourself to consider and 3 children, you need to ensure you dont get destroyed!!

I would sit him down say you accidentally saw the messages between them
the “I will just leave in the night comment” and others, I mean he’s not really trying to make your relationship with MIL better is he? And say let’s not do this let’s make it easy, and better for the children. We need to split up, so let’s see how we can go forward in the best way for the children first and foremost.

And just be honest, tell him and her, that she is the reason or a big part of the reason you are splitting, she can have him back. Lies to his mummy to get attention about his horrible wife who isn’t that horrible at all. Some hero hey!

He’s weak being bounced around between mummy and wife. God he sounds dull. Why continue t be dragged down by such a lump of wetness?

I’d be very hurt at the invasion of privacy with him sending screenshots. That said, I’d be more alarmed that my DH was feeling under appreciated and that he feels he can never do anything right for me. Whether that’s objectively wrong in your view, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel that way and that needs rectifying if you’re going to improve your marriage.

As a mother it must be hard to see messages where your son is discussing his poor mental health and his wife is essentially saying ‘seek help elsewhere I’m too busy’. No ‘I’m always here to support you, what do you need, we’ll get through this together’.

He sounds enmeshed with his mother and might need counselling to help him figure it out and set healthy boundaries. He should have someone in his life that he can discuss your relationship with, but it doesn’t need to be his mother. He needs to set some healthy boundaries and stick to them.

Your dh’s behaviour is totally unacceptable. His dm is a total cow.
You would be much happier without the stress of the lies and manipulation imo.
I wouldn’t be able to trust my dh if he discussed our private affairs with his dm and work colleagues so that would end it for me.

I hope you kept screenshots of those messages to hit him with during the divorce. This is emotional abuse, not MH issues. This man is manipulative, decisive and immature. Bin him.

I wouldn’t be able to move past the fact he’s shared personal information and also spoke so badly about you. So yes, I’d chuck him back to his mother.

Boot him out. If DH was telling his family he was planning to leave me, I would help him pack.

He knows I saw the messages he's sat next to me but I accidentally swiped the photos on WhatsApp the wrong way & it was the messages, he tried to snatch the phone back but I took in a different room so I could finish reading them all, I've also sent them to myself so he can't delete & deny to people what he & she have said, I told him she was doing same thing as last time, I told him exactly what I thought, all I got back from him was that he knows what she's doing & that he doesn't want to leave & that he'll go NC with her etc, but I just feel like it's always going to be the same, but I don't know what to do anymore, even if he did go NC he'll always have her words in his head & if I send him back to mummy he'll be destroyed mentally by her, plus it wouldn't surprise me if mil tried to make him take our youngest she's that evil.

Yeah I forwarded some of the messages to myself, didn't want him to delete and deny to other people.

He sounds enmeshed with no boundaries between him and his mum. Most grown adults don't share that level or detail about their romantic relationship with their parents and don't rely so heavily on their parent's opinions and validation in their personal life. Look up enmeshment.

Anyway, this is not a dynamic you can 'fix' and he's also hugely betrayed your trust by sharing intimate details of your relationship and allowed (encouraged even!) his mum to speak so negatively about you. Sounds like instead of trying to resolve issues and conflicts between you in a mature and calm way, he runs to mummy to tell tales, so she'll validate how you're the one with the problem and not him. He's not interested in resolution and growth, he just wants to be pandered to and be 'right' - your relationship will never be any better as long as that's his priority.

From what you have said, he is a much bigger problem than her.

She is responding in a semi-normal way to the information her DS is unhappy and in a toxic relationship.

He is lying, creating drama with you as the villain, sharing confidential messages and information, deliberately driving a wedge between the two women in his life. There is nothing remotely normal about this.

I think your focus is on her because that's easier to face, but it's misguided. You need to leave this man, he's showing no love and respect for you and is making your life harder, not easier.

Btw, I don't mean he is in a toxic relationship, but she thinks he is because of the things he is saying.

There's far more than just me not wanting to help him when we met id 1 month before found out my husband of 14 years had been leading a double life, had set up home with another woman the whole hog, left me financially ruined with 2 children & a whole lot of mental health issues. He'd just split from his wife, due to I later found out his mother's interference, I he had severe depression, I helped him through it got him help, he then got caught sexting an ex gf, was also arranging to meet up when he got caught I kicked him out, he told me he had a sex addiction, begged for a 2nd chance, I suffered really badly with my mh during my pregnancy exacerbated by his mother dripping her poison, he didn't help me he listened to his mother, my exh was the one ironically who helped me. I've helped him so much with his mh in the past so much so that it's affected my own. So now I've made the decision he needs a professional to help, someone qualified, plus his not feeling appreciated is in his own head, he forgets when I do appreciate things and fo uses instead on the times I get annoyed that rather than getting the jobs done like washing up, feeding kids etc while I'm at work aren't done.

Sounds like you're falling into the trap of blaming your big, bad MIL for your poor, easily-led DH.

To be clear, she sounds absolutely vile but her actions don't negate his. This would be a no-brainer for me, honestly. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

If he’s saying he’s willing to go NC with her again, and you think that would help, I would give that a try first. Make sure he means it this time.

Breaking up a marriage where you have a child together, and also stripping your elder children of their stepdad, is a really, really big step to take.

Just want to thank everyone who has posted, I've got to go out for a bit buy am going to sit & have a proper read of all the posts, then this evening I'm going to have a proper talk with him, my previous marriage was very much a coercive control relationship not that I realised it at the time, plus add to the fact I'm ND my first instincts often get ignored because I have always ended up questioning whether my instincts are normal, for those who said I'm only among mil far from it if anything I blame him more because he should no better, especially as the reason I married him was because we were NC at that point and were happy for a while the problems all started after he started contact again. Think you've all helped me make my decision & helped me realise my first instincts were right so thank you all for that.

Yeah this has been my dilemma can I ever get the trust back if we go nc again.

Honestly, even if he promises you that he’s NC with her, you have no reason to believe he’ll stick to his promise. He’s far too enmeshed. He is letting HER be the problem instead of acknowledging that HE is the problem. He has not been at all accountable for HIS choice to prioritise and acquiesce to his mum to the detriment of two marriages. This is not evidence of someone who learns from their mistakes.

What’s your housing situation? As you’re married, you need proper legal advice re who leaves the house/who gets what. Please sort out finances before doing anything else. Your mil sounds awful, but your Dh is the real one to blame, over sharing!

Given this background, it sounds like he’s the problem, not the MIL (she’s just another part of it). What on earth are you doing with him!