AIBU to just LTB and give MIL her puppet back

[Mogwais]

Okay, please bear with me this is going to be a long one! I've been married for 5 years 2 dc of my own, 1 dc together & a MIL from hell, so as not to drip feed mil has done some really nasty things previously to try to split us up Inc. questioning if our dc was actually my dh or my exhs said to him not me, also suggested I get an abortion as it was soon into our relationship. Lots of other stuff but too many to list. Anyway last night MIL sent pics of cars for h as we need a new car, whilst I was looking at the cars, I inadvertently saw messages between MIL & h discussing our private business, we've been having problems in our marriage but I thought we were trying to make it work. Messages from h were saying lies about all the things I make him do, how he's so unappreciated, how I'm never happy with anything he does etc. Sending her screenshot of private messages between us where I was literally telling him he needed to seek professional help for the mh issues he has as I can't take his problems on as I have my own plus 3 dc who are going through stuff & his mh problems are bad, MIL has replied with so much nastiness, saying I'm obviously using him, to get out and move home with her, that I obviously don't care about him, only she does, to take me to court to get custody of youngest dc. & basically how evil I am. He's replied saying yeah I'm going to leave, I'm just going to go while she's asleep etc & on top of that he's been lying about where he's been when he's been hours late from work. There's so much more but I'd be here all day typing. After she did a similar thing previously we went NC & it was great we actually started getting on. But now their in contact again & it's happening again. H has mh issues & is easily manipulated by his mum, she destroyed his 1st marriage the same way. He's now saying he doesn't want to leave, he sees what she's doing again and wants to go NC again, but my heads a mess I would struggle financially if he left but I feel like both my H & mil are literally sucking the life out of me. AIBU to just say enough is enough & accept I'll never be able to get him away from the toxic MIL & it's best to just LTB & let his mother deal with his mh & mould him into what she wants. I honestly feel like she's the other woman in our marriage.

Luckily I'm in rented accommodation all in my name, he literally owns the clothes on his back.

Yes your MIL is toxic but your are unreasonable blaming her her everything. You DH is a grown man and sounds just as toxic. Two peas in a pod! Get rid of both!

Your MIL is not the problem. Your husband is. She owes you nothing but your DH is your life partner and your child's father. Instead of protecting you he's telling his mother nasty lies about you. I don't know how you could possibly live with that. He sounds like a totally self absorbed, pathetic little cunt to be honest.

You’re so focussed on the shitty behaviour of your MIL that you have seriously undervalued the long list of very shitty behaviour of your H. NC will not stop him from sexting random women, it won’t stop him lying and sharing private communication with colleagues and friends.

Throw him back, he will never be the man you hope him to be. He’s weak, immature and entitled. As awful as your MIL is, her son is worse.

Life is short, this sounds miserable and unpleasant, and the dynamic that needs to be fixed isn’t yours.

It’s for him to understand that he’s got two close female relationships on the go at the same time, and there absolutely shouldn’t be competition. A lot of people are passive about their parents, though.

Ideally a family has the couple who put each other first, and a good relationship with parents who understand that they have previously been number 1, but life changes as it should. The kids need their number 1 and the couple needs to be that for each other so they can be it for the kids.

if he’s that unhappy and doesn’t want to deal with his mh issues (or grow up and tell his mum where the boundaries are) then think about ending it.

If you end up leaving him - stay single and don’t have any more babies. Your life sounds so complicated.

Excellent!

Yabu to blame mil. She didn't make him text her made up lies or shag around.

Sounds to me like she just has her sons back.

Its just very unfortunate for you that he's a nasty lying piece of shit.

Oh I'd definitely not get involved again.My other two children are almost adults now, my youngest was a shock when I thought anymore children was most definitely off the cards as I'm an older mum. So more children for me.

Oh believe me I whole heartedly blame him and him alone for HIS behaviour but as I have 3 children and already have 1 exh I was hoping with work we could get things back on track,we used to be happy surprisingly. But I think I have been undervaluing my own self worth & allowing them both to drag me down even further. But no more!

It’s not just his mum though is it? His mum wasn’t sexting his ex was she? This situation clearly isn’t going to get any better. He and his mum deserve each other. At least he should be easy to kick out since he’s definitely got somewhere to go.

Quick update, iread the helpful comments, sat him down & told him he can have until next week to get his stuff together & then it's back to mummy's for him. I've told him he will still be able to see our dc but that his dm is not allowed any contact with dc, I've told him what lot of you have said that the sharing of private communication is deplorable & that he needs to realise that once he's gone the only contact we will have is when he comes to see dc, & that the only information he will be entitled to know is to do with our shared dc. At least when he's gone I can concentrate on just me & my kids.

Just leave him. Life's too short.
And mean it. Don't do it hoping he will see the error of his ways or miss you or whatever.
Just do it for you. You've got sucked into a level of constant drama in your life.
Don't tolerate these dickheads lack of respect for you. Just don't tolerate it any more please. He's shown you who he is.

Well done! The next few weeks will be hard, but a year from now you'll look back, proud if yourself for handling this so well.

I’m glad you came to a decision! But you realise that you can’t stop contact between his mother and your shared DC don’t you?

Wow……you managed to discuss all this AND write a whole paragraph………in 7 minutes…!!!?

He screen shot your texts and sent her them 🙄🤬
If it were me I’d be saying…. Off u go.
don’t let the door hit u on the way out, that’s awful.

Wouldn’t you get benefits?

Well done op on moving forwards.

If someone with MH issues feels unhappy and unappreciated, possibly controlled (the things you tell him to do) they should be able to share them concerns with someone outside of the relationship to figure out if it is abusive. I actually don't think it is wrong to share what you see as private info in them circumstances. As you say he has lied and you think MIL is trying to split you up this is more than sharing private info and his mum isn't the right person to go to. It's hard to know exactly what's going on from this post, maybe MIL is the problem, maybe DH, maybe you are abusive, maybe it's all 3 of you. Either way, it's not healthy for anyone and it sounds like the relationship needs to end.

They basically have a very fucked up relationship and you’ve become the scapegoat in the middle. Very useful for them.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, I’m going through very similar but after a lot of abuse and controlling behaviour from MIL I went NC with her. DH and MIL always embellish things, I caught onto this quite soon into our relationship. DH would go as far to make up a complete lie of something I had done and text MIL about it. Example: “Dentalflosser had a bag on because I came home as it was snowing and she had to go to work” or “Dentalflosser STORMED OUT OF THE HOUSE” when I was quietly taking the dog for a walk. It got so bad that if we had a small argument and I was going out for a walk, I would film myself leaving and returning to the house. Then he WhatsApped a complex lie which must have been for MIL but he accidentally sent it to me! I read it and screenshotted it before he could delete it.
It’s hard supporting a DH with mental health and children who need a lot of care too. It sounds like MIL won’t stop until she gets her little boy back under her roof and your MIL is toxic. Would going for marriage guidance be an option for you both? Some kind of joint therapy?