Its a money one

[NetAPortHer]

Sorry this could be long and will almost certainly involve some drip....
DH has been the only breadwinner since we had kids 17 years ago. High earner.
I have inherited some money in the £100ks and he is convinced that it should all be used to pay off our mortgage. Well, probate is on its way so lets see.

In the meantime there was a life insurance policy that has paid out £20k to me and each sibling. DH was the trustee. My parents made him trustee as he works in finance and they obvioulsy trusted him. Not sure if they were overtly aware, but there has been DV from him towards me and we've had a volatile relationship. (I'm dx with BPD so according to DH its all been my fault for being difficult)

DH has put my £20k in an isa (he says in my name).

Anyway, where we are now is that my children have moths in their carpets as the cleaner hasn't been moving their stuff to hoover. DH agreed I could price up getting new polyprop carpets for their rooms and said he'd pay. Its almost £3k.

Now he will not pay the deposit. So I've tried to say can I pay it out of the £20k of inheritance I have so far. He is refusing to tell me where the ISA is and the account number of it etc.

I actually just made a video of me asking him and him saying "bye, bye" and refusing to engage. It feels so horrible I cannot describe how this makes me feel. Like nothing. Just prior to this he called me a cunt.

Please be kind to me, wtf can I do.

You and your children can’t stay in a relationship were there is abuse. You need to contact a domestic abuse charity.

Do you mean the physical or is this also financial abuse?
I must also say, the children love him very very much and he gives them a lot of time and attention.

Jeepers OP this sounds like abuse to me. I don’t normally comment on this sort of stuff but this sounds awful. Can you get some sort of help from a women’s charity? How old are the kids now?

You’ve been a prisoner and you’ve only just realised it.

Your parents whether or not willingly/knowingly have also been complicit.

Get help.

Get out.

In his eyes you are nothing.

Separate now before your 100k plus inheritance is paid out.

I would see a solicitor. This is financial abuse. You may not have been earning money, but you have been doing all of the grunt work at home and raising the children, which has enabled him to have his high flying career. If you were dead, he would have had to employ a house keeper, a nanny, a cook etc.

If you don't want to be with him this inheritance could be your means of escape. And of course you will be due at least 50% of all marital assets, including the house and his pension.

Thanks. Yes, when they were very little he would leave in the morning and come back 11pm, 12am having been totally incommunicado since finishing work. Out with clients, no reception on phone etc. What nanny would put up with that uncertainty

Children are now 15 and 17 - Alevels and GCSEs

Oh and you would also probably get more than a 50% share, due to the fact that you gave up a career and pension in order to raise the kids. It's called Economic Recompense here in Scotland. Not sure if England use the same phrase. You really do have A LOT of power here, you could walk away with 70% of everything. I don't think he realises that. Most men don't.

Do you want to stay with him?

Set up your own ISA/savings account and then in writing tell him to transfer the money. You need a paper trail of him withholding the money.

Give him a deadline by when the money needs to be transferred.

So what access to money do you currently have? Do you have a joint account and you can access that?

Get as much data about finances as you can and then speak to a family law firm. You want someone who has great success for SAHMs/deals with high earners.

Do your research and clear your search history just to ensure he doesn’t see what you’ve done.

This man is financially and physically abusive and you deserve better.

He’s abusive

you go and see a solicitor now without his knowledge. Then you speak to the executors , I assume that’s not your DH? And you get them to pay the money to you direct and put it in a separate account he can’t access and leave

There's no way you can open an ISA in another adult's name

Were their probate solicitors etc involved re the life insurance pay out?

Pretty sure this is a direct payment rather than part of the estate. You name a beneficiary and they receive the payment

Firstly get out. Secondly get good legal advice. I was advised that any inheritance received should never be pooled and should be kept in a single account. Once you have paid it into a bank account or used it to pay down the mortgage it is a shared asset. If you do not pool you stand a chance of keeping all of it, though this depends on the set up of wider finances.

Do not spend a penny of that inheritance. If he doesn’t hand over the £20k to you he can be prosecuted.

Use your inheritance to buy yourself a property in your name alone and start the divorce rolling.

💐

This sounds very much like financial, emotional and physical abuse to me - and that’s as someone who went through it myself. He’s not a nice man and fwiw he’s not a good father. A good father doesn’t abuse the mother of his children. If your children have witnessed any abuse of you, that’s child abuse.

Also worth noting as a pp said that as someone who gave up my career to support his through our two decade relationship, I walked away with 85% plus spousal maintenance for 7 years in order to build myself a career. And half his pension to that date. Women’s contributions to men’s careers ARE getting recognised nowadays. Please don’t put the inheritance in a joint account. Please get away.

You’re children are being emotionally abused.

Both forms of abuse are utterly abhorrent.

That inheritance is your chance to get some power back.

Do Not put it in the mortgage or in a shared account. Keep it separate. Do not pay for anything shared with that money. Keep a wall between that money and your husband.

Use it to pay for legal advice and consider separating. Your children will leave home soon, do you want to sacrifice another 20 years with that horrible man?

You can start the divorce in the background and you can make it a condition of the separation and get it documented that he does not tell the children what’s going on and therefore disrupt their A-levels in GCSE
I appreciate he still might but my goodness it makes him look dreadful in court if he does there’s no need for it

Please tell me he isn’t the Executor of the will as well.

If the 20k was paid to him then he can put it where he likes. Is there any evidence it was yours? Sympathies to you.

What did he do with the kids' 20k each?