Do you chase people?

[Sunset11]

So many threads on here about how its difficult to make friends in adult life.
Various suggestions made.
What happens once you have taken a slight risk or asked someone to meet up and do something.

It all goes fine. Low key. Not too long . Let's say it was a music event locally. Didn't talk much as too busy watching. I thought that was good. Cant be getting intense or too deep or personal. Just wanna be friendly and nice. Not crazy or a gossip or an over sharer.

I used to often chase people or just be the one that asks whether someone wants to go see something/ meet up.
But my anxiety can't deal with that these days. I dont want to deal with any kind of rejection even if someone says they aren't sure and will let me know.
I dont want to be reminded of unreliable people.

This was supposed to be totally easy going. Yet I feel they might not be up for meeting up on a occasionally basis.
My fear is only ever meeting once and not again. Im not sure lifes about one offs for me.
They know where I am. Im free sometimes and open . So why is it difficult to know what happens next.
The ball is in their court.
Im really surprised its making me doubt myself.

Yes I “chase” people as in ask them to do something with me if we’re friends and I think we’d enjoy ourselves. If nobody bothered, or let their anxiety rule, nobody would do anything at all.

Yes, I do now. I never used to and I ended up really lonely.

Is it a two way thing also. Or mainly you doing the asking.
Id hate to think I was being needy/ awkward to someone that doesn't really know me well at all.

I am the one who invites people over, hosts parties, that sort of thing.

It’s quite one way, but it’s that, or be lonely.

I'll do one follow up and if i get either no response or a vague response I leave it with them. If they want to contact me, they will.

If i realise im doing all the asking, I stop. If I never hear from them again, at least I know where I stand.

Okay at least it seems they often say yes.
So you dont have to worry or have any doubts about unreliability.
Ive probably done that when I was a lot younger. Then regretted once when I lost an old friends number.

Its when your in a weird initial phase of having no idea.

It is hard sometimes but you can choose how you think about it if you’re chasing - you must know some people are just really busy/forgetful/ disorganised/shy etc so there’s 4 valid reasons to not reply right there. You deciding maybe they don’t want to meet you is a 5th interpretation, but any of them could be true. Just be breezy and chase but don’t let yourself worry if they are a bit useless back - just leave it and see and try someone else if nothing happens.

Honesty no I’m not begging friends to meet up , either mutual hey let’s do this will happen or they won’t.

Im not chasing people to come for coffee or a meal out. We either organically arrange it during general chit chat like wouldn’t it be good to or it don’t happen.

If someone was constantly inviting me over or out id feel they had nothing else going on their lives and were a wee but desperate.

I’m 46 now. I wasn’t like this when I was younger. I used to be so scared to contact friends or to ask people to do stuff.

Now, I don’t care about anything. What’s the worst that will happen? They will make up and excuse not to see me, or say no. That’s okay.

Yes makes sense. I used to have no issue doing the asking in the past. Especially with male friends. But its crap when it its not two ways eventually. Then friendship dies.

Yes that sounds much better. Happening organically.

That's true its just strange getting to relaxed comfortable friendship stage.
Maybe just takes several months/ years.
Or it it wasn't care free totally the 1st meet it won't be in the future.

I'll mention it twice then if no response don't bother anymore. Life's too busy to be chasing.

Nope I’ve never chased anyone, I have a very close group of friends since childhood. Some I haven’t seen for a couple of years due to circumstances, I still consider them very close friends and would go to them if they needed me and vise versa. I don’t chase people but equally I don’t cut people off either. Life is tough and everyone goes through different shit at different times. If we are close friends, those periods of low contact don’t matter because we are close friends and if we need each other we are there. Other friendships may come and go naturally and that’s okay too. Don’t see any point in chasing something that’s not meant to be, friendship is a two way street.

I don’t chase people, but I’m an introvert who is friends with a load of extroverts, so if I suggest a date and they already have plans, I know they’ll come straight back to me with another date.

This was supposed to be totally easy going. Yet I feel they might not be up for meeting up on a occasionally basis

If they’re not up for a repeat, it doesn’t mean that they’re rejecting you. You could be the right person (hence their acceptance) at the wrong time (they want different things from a friendship than they feel you want or are able to provide). Or it might mean that they are an introvert and you need to be the one who organises for a while until they get used to you, realise that you aren’t going to reject them and ask you to do things too. Or it might be that they’re sitting at home thinking ‘she didn’t talk to me much, I bet she didn’t like me. I can’t ask her to do something in case she feels obliged to say yes’. Ask them. If they say no, but don’t propose a different date, then you’ve got your answer.

The only thing I would say, is to make it very clear that you’re not desperate for their friendship. If someone says ‘I don’t know what I’m doing yet, I’ll let you know’, then I’d be very friendly but tell them not to worry about it, you’ll go with a different friend and you can make plans to do something with them at some other time. That makes it clear that you’re not a fallback friend to see only when nothing better has come along. The bar for friendship needs to be high.

I ask people (potential friends, actual friends, men etc) to come out once, sometimes twice and that’s it. I offer my number once maybe twice. If they aren’t interested it’s their loss.
I definitely don’t chase people as I don’t like to appear needy. Could be why I’m single lol.

No, I don’t chase.

I don’t know what has happened though. People have become incredibly flakey. After contact from an acquaintance asking how I am and a couple of messages back and forth I asked if she wanted to meet for coffee. She’s now gone silent so I guess that’s a no. I wouldn’t have expected that of her so I guess she’s not who I thought she was.

Introverts are capable of arranging meet ups. They’re not incapable social lepers!

🙄 Did you not get much sleep last night?

I wasn’t suggesting that introverts are ‘incapable social lepers’, merely that someone who is introverted might (and ‘might’ being the operative word here) not feel the most comfortable in putting themselves out there when socialising with new people they don’t know very well. I thought that would be obvious, but clearly not.

You say you don't want to chase people in case you get rejected. Has it occurred to you that they might have exactly the same fear and that's why they haven't asked you about meeting up again?

If you want to see someone again, ask them.

This is what I have come to relaise too. So that’s why I just organise things at my house and invite people.

There seems to be a wide held belief that introverts are shy and afraid to put themselves out there socially. They’re timid and need extroverts to lead.

They’re not. They recharge energy by spending time alone. In the opposite way that extroverts recharge by spending time with others.

I’m an introvert but you probably wouldn’t know it because I’m sociable and often make the first move in suggesting going out. Extensive socialising and spending too much time with other people drains me. It’s not a conscious decision. It’s the way I’m built.

Yes this

I think it's about having a decent internal compass to let you know whether your outreach is welcome or not.

There's nothing wrong with chasing people per se: it's perfectly reasonable to want to know what plans are and following up with someone who you want to meet is a good thing which most people will welcome. I don't really understand why this generates anxiety.

The problem comes when people lack the social radar to read the room and don't know when to leave it or chase people inappropriately. It shouldn't be that hard. If you send an email/text/WhatsApp to someone you don't know well and its dropped, you leave it.

So tell someone who’s disagreeing with you!