Household chores vs personal responsibilities?

[LittleOwl153]

AIBU to ask you what YOU and your household see as personal responsibilities rather than household chores....

So for example brushing your teeth is clearly a personal responsibility. Hoovering the hallway is a household chore...

But what about things like laundry? Is it a household chore collect washing from wherever the wearer/s drop it or is it a personal responsibility to get your own dirty clothes to a communal washing point where it becomes a household chore to wash/dry/iron?

This question comes out of a clash with my own teens yesterday when I asked o e of them whether they thought it was my responsibility to do something or theirs....

To be clear I'm talking about households of adults/older children not those with tiny children/vulnerable adults where personal responsibilities and caring responsibilities collide. This question comes out of a clash with my own teens yesterday when I asked them whether they thought it was my responsibility to do something or theirs....

Your house, your rules.

If you depict that the washing ISNT DONE unless its brought to the utility room, then it isnt done unless its brought to the utility room. Dont argue, don't justify, don't explain.

If they get annoyed their washing isnt done, they can always do it themselves, or take it for a service wash. Or they can bring it to thw utility room...

Sorry, but in that scenario where they sought to avoid their own personal responsibility by off loading it on to me, it would, right there and then, become their own damned job to make sure they have clean clothes, because there would be no bloody way I would be so kind as to trouble myself to do their laundry anytime soon.

This is the only answer.

Since about 12/13 my kids are responsible for their own rooms, keeping it tidy (but I don’t really police it) changing their sheets etc. Laundry must be put in the basket, but my son has always wanted to do his own since he was 14 (he irons too).
My son now lives on his own and my DD is uni age, now home for the summer. She is perfectly capable of ‘adulting’ when away but at home I do the laundry but she’s still responsible for her room and her en suite - I very rarely go up there. Thats what I consider personal stuff.
For general household my son always did more than my DD. When he comes to visit now he’s happy to mow the lawn, deal with the rubbish, do some vacuuming, walk the dog, clean the patio and do some weeding - he likes to be occupied! . My DD doesn’t do any of that, though she does cook dinner a few nights a week and very occasionally will clean the kitchen.

Just to use laundry as an example. I do the laundry , everyone else (OH and DD - and this rules has been as such since she was able to take her own clothes off) has to put their stuff in the wash basket if they want it done. If it’s not in the wash basket it doesn’t get done, and definitely not to some timetable that only exists in their head.I’ll also fold it (90%of the time ) and put it in piles. Their responsibility to put it away. If it doesn’t get done/done properly that’s their problem.

Don’t come to me asking me “where’s my purple tshirt with green spots that I absolutely must have right now?”.

I do mine & my two DC washing. DP does his own because he is capable and I will not be taken for granted like he was doing a while back.

Your house your rules, in my house the rule is that any laundry goes in the washing baskets in their room and then I collect it when I'm doing the laundry.
My one friend has everyone do their own laundry and I have another friend that collects it from wherever it's thrown.
I don't think there's any hard and fast rule it's whatever works for you and your family

Laundry - if it’s not in the basket it doesn’t get washed, I am not going round the house picking up things or emptying festering sports bags.

Cooking - I will cook, I will try to accommodate known preferences, but if you don’t want what I am planning you can sort yourself out.

Bedding - you change your own bed, I will wash it if in laundry basket.

Clean clothes - I will fold it, if you want it ironing it’s up to you, I will deliver it to your room but what you do with it then is up to you.

I am not a taxi - I will give you a lift but only if you let me know in advance and it fits in with my schedule.

Whatever your rules are, be clear & stick to them.

You've got adults in your house. They're definitely responsible for doing their own washing, cleaning their rooms. Household chores are divided up.

Interesting that people are picking up on the laundry specifically. The actual argument with my teens related to lunch pots left on the sofa - but the last time I tried to start a thread about that I was told I should clear up my husbands pots ...

I do need to increase the stuff my kids (aged 11-16) do the youngest is much more willing / capable ironically but has started with the why should I do it when they don't... i started with this question as I was trying to get across to the eldest particularly that they do have some personal responsibility in life it isn't all 'mums job' ...

Im working on this with my two, 14 and 16. I'm a single mum so it's àll been in me for a long time. I am gradually weàring them down on the idea that there is a washing fairy, a dishes fairy etc. A couple of times of not having what they wanted clean is starting to move them towards a bit of motivation. Thing is though, my parents didn't ask me to do a lot, though both worked full time. When I went to uni and had a house I knew I needed to do it and did. I don't always buy this thing that you are doing them a huge disservice by not making them 100% responsible for all sorts at a young age. It's a balance obviously. I won't be taken advantage of or accept "blame" if they don't have what they want but I like to care for them.

We are big on personal responsibility in our home. My kids (5-11) all put their dirty clothes in laundry basket, put away their own washing, make own beds, tidy own rooms and clear their own stuff out of communal areas. They put rubbish in bins, plates in the dishwasher and help tidy after meals. If they spill something or make a mess it is theirs to clean up. I don’t consider these chores. Just the basics. Older two have a few chores as well. These aren’t linked to pocket money. They are just expected to help because they live in the home and everyone helps.

@LittleOwl153 I'm petty, so lunch stuff if not cleared away would be dumped on their bed.

I would probably ban eating anywhere but dining room or kitchen

And if they can't co=operate then I might stop buying anything but the food I need for meals

Treats would not be happening
Nor would lifts

Can't bear selfish teens

It’s probably because the laundry question was in your OP, and tbh it’s a really easy example to use.

After a certain age it’s literally your shit(especially mess/rubbish) , your responsibility.

Whoever told you that was probably being deliberately goady.

Ironing isn’t an household chore, fwiw 😁

The thread took a really weird route like it had been picked up by a group of red state housewives... definately not where I'm at. Hence giving up on it.

There isn't much ironing gets done here either...

If i dumped them in their beds they would just join the rest of the pots on the floor i expect. I dont have enough crockery for that...

I have an 12 and 14 year old. They are entirely responsible for their own laundry, I don't touch it. As far as I'm concerned, beyond the age of 11ish, laundry is the same as showering - do it yourself.

There is no way in hell I'd be picking up plates and such left by my children. They would never expect that either. I'm not a servant!

My teen does her own washing - the only problem is that we sometimes then have a clash of both wanting to use the machine (both because no other adults live here) but obviously it’s not a huge issue to both want to use machine at the same time.

I must get my younger one (11) more capable with things like washing tbh! He is much more difficult to get to remember things left lying about too as he has ADHD but needs to learn obviously as there won’t be fairies to do it when he’s grown up!

If my kids refused to bring their plates to the kitchen and tried to say it was my 'chore' I would be so annoyed and absolutely decide they will be doing a hell of a lot more around the home. It's just sheer laziness . What contribution do they give now to chores?

So ok. What would you do with where I'm at...

DH works full time and then some. I work roughly half time. Kids are all changing schools this summer so I feel like it is the right time to rethink. DH does generally clean up after himself and will do other stuff but everyone has to be aware/admire. Eldest is SEND and has such has been pampered a bit especially this year through exams - which i know is my fault and hasn't helped.

Kids rooms are usually tips. Clothes, books, crockery strewn across the floor and surfaces. Beds never made, can't find what they need etc. They dump stuff everywhere else and create havoc when asked to clear away - such as the lunch pots.

It’s a grind to change behaviours, but if you don’t put the effort in they won’t change.

We’re not perfect at this but if I’m standing looking at a crockery in the sitting room or someone’s room I will not touch it, but will continually call out to them to come and get it and bring it to the kitchen. And generally not stop until they huff their way to wherever I am and reluctantly do it.

Our kids do believe in the dishwasher fairy though - who will apparently “magic” dishes from the counter into the dishwasher. That one gives me the absolute rage, but I do put them in if they’ve brought them that close.

I initially misread the question as "are communal loads of laundry done or does each person do their own", and I'd say it varies by household and in some cases it can be bits of both. But picking up other people's dirty clothes wherever they dropped them and determining that they ARE dirty and so taking them away to wash? My 9yo might not mind it and I or her dad might it for her if she was constantly forgetting or not knowing when things needed a wash. The older children (14 &16) wouldn't put up with it, though - they don't want anyone coming in to their rooms (more than necessary) or rummaging through their things and what if they are looking for a specific article of clothing and it has disappeared?

For dirty dishes - communal if it's part of a meal, personal if it's one person eating on their own. OR rotate the "chore" so it's a different person's responsibility each day or week (or whatever interval) to go around the house and pick up the dirty dishes and wash them. Each person cleaning their own room is DEFINITELY a personal responsibility, but I don't really care if they make their beds or keep the room tidy as long as they're not hoarding dishes or other household items and there's no smell or pest attraction or safety issue.

I'd tell them they have one hour to bring crockery and glasses to the kitchen and stack in the dishwasher or there will be consequences.......don't tell them what (turn off WiFi or change password to access?)

As for their clothes, up to them if they have no clean clothes isn't it. Only launder things in the laundry basket by washing machine.

They can live in a tip in their own rooms but communal places must be tidied - or else......

My kids aren't allowed to bring any cups or plates into their rooms - they don't bring them down so the solution is they don't go up there in the first place. Other than that, their rooms are messy. They are required to hoover every few weeks and do a tidy up now and again but otherwise if they want to live in a mess, that's their choice.

I'd focus on the rest of the house - keeping shared areas clean is non-negotiable in my house. It's a matter of respect.

Also your DH needs to get his head out of his arse and stop expecting praise for cleaning like a small child.