Household chores vs personal responsibilities?

[LittleOwl153]

AIBU to ask you what YOU and your household see as personal responsibilities rather than household chores....

So for example brushing your teeth is clearly a personal responsibility. Hoovering the hallway is a household chore...

But what about things like laundry? Is it a household chore collect washing from wherever the wearer/s drop it or is it a personal responsibility to get your own dirty clothes to a communal washing point where it becomes a household chore to wash/dry/iron?

This question comes out of a clash with my own teens yesterday when I asked o e of them whether they thought it was my responsibility to do something or theirs....

To be clear I'm talking about households of adults/older children not those with tiny children/vulnerable adults where personal responsibilities and caring responsibilities collide. This question comes out of a clash with my own teens yesterday when I asked them whether they thought it was my responsibility to do something or theirs....

What I would do (and have done ) .

First start with a proper clean with each kid in their room. Absolutely everything gets looked at and sorted and declutter as much as possible. Bring bin bags and they have to help. They decide what to keep and what goes, make piles. You do x job, they can take all plates down and wash/put in dishwasher. Everything needs putting away/will have a place to go. If they have too much crap, some of the crap must go or nothing new is bought. Once it’s all sorted and clean and tidy, they are responsible for the upkeep. No, they can’t go out until their room is tidy. You’re hoovering (for example) on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the floor needs to be empty. If it isn’t you’re either bin bagging everything on the floor OR dumping it in their bed.If shit gets hoovered up, though titties. Your job needs doing, you won’t skip it because they haven’t done theirs or do theirs for them instead. Crockery down every morning, or they’re not allowed plates upstairs. Can’t find shit? Though. It’s wherever you put it. Invest in storage if need be and make sure they know where everything should go.

A mix of natural consequences and parental consequences, with clear , set rules.

Natural: can’t find shit, stuff gets broken , doesn’t get replaced, no I’m not washing your favourite tshirt at 11 pm because you need it in the morning, run out of clean whatever , and so on, you don’t have time to do x because you have to do y because they haven’t done it/left it too late.

Actual consequences: didn’t follow the rules, you’re not going out until you do, no pocket money, no wifi , no lifts.

Ask them down to put their crap away , everytime. If they kick off, one warning and then go back to actual consequences. Don’t engage in arguments and life is sooo unfair and you’re the worst mother ever and I haaaate you! “Yeah, I know .. now put your plates away”. Ignore the whinging and whining.

Basically you need to make it harder/more inconvenient to not do it in the first place.

It will take time, it will be exhausting and you’ll be tempted to give in because it’s easier/quicker to do it yourself, but they will learn eventually.

Most importantly, make it clear , you’re a family, you work together, you help each other out. Your goal is to raise functional humans .

Oh I couldn’t care less about beds being made. That is not something that would even make the list, so obviously prioritise and stick to essential/non negotiable /important things to begin with.

I don’t mind mine taking food to their rooms as long as the dishes come back down and are washed or put in the dishwasher. In your situation I would be putting in a ban on food in their rooms!

Lunches- make your own (unless I’m doing it anyway) and clear away your dishes.

Laundry- if it’s not in the basket it doesn’t get done. If you need it for a certain date then tell me or wash it yourself.

The biggest battle in our house is the teens leave their dishes next to the sink “because the dishwasher was full”. If it’s full and clean then EMPTY it!

Even my 2 yr old knows where dirty plates and cutlery goes. Yesterday I had both the 2 and 6 yr old tidying up their bedroom so I could vacuum the floor. I do have to remind the 6 yr old to pick up washing and put it in the right baskets, likewise with rubbish, she's always been a bit lazy with it and she'll go through stages where she does it automatically but then other times has to be told to and has a sulk while doing it.
If they can't pick up plates and pots and rubbish from the living room then they don't get to go in there with food and drink

For crockery I expect each individual to bring their stuff to the dishwasher, put it in the dishwasher, throw away rubbish and clear up crumbs. Unloading the dishwasher is a household task. Most of the time food isn’t allowed out of the kitchen in my house anyway and certainly not upstairs.

Laundry is a household task here, so long as the individual has put it in the basket. My kids are capable of doing their own laundry if needed but most of the time I’d rather they didn’t - I have a big machine and I want full loads doing.

Washing - household chore, DD12 will help put the washing on the clothes horse if asked and she does her own ironing.

I’ve never allowed mine to take food into the bedroom, he has a glass for water and will buy snacks like crisps etc but no crockery or cutlery goes upstairs.

I don’t stress about the unmade bed, not my problem, I don’t have to sleep in it 😉

Mine is now 23 so it is much easier to put it back on him if he can’t find anything and going away to uni really made him understand that. When he was at school I was the broken record of nagging and I would probably lose it about once per month and we would have an argument resulting in me finding in whatever was missing.

I do think it gets better so hang in there and set some ground rules that work for you and which the offspring can mostly achieve.

That starts with the parents. You've allowed it

You have to go in with each one and get it straight, clean and tidy Can you decorate/add storage? Would that be an incentive?

Then carry on as you've started.

Lot of work, but my kids rooms were NEVER like that and nor are any of my DGC's

And no food except in kitchen/dining room. For anyone

Cups and plates, snack on sofa etc; absolutely the job of the eater to bring to the kitchen. That's the sort of small job toddlers can be helping with to fix the idea that this is just what you do.