Brothers new partner seems really unpleasant.

[cuteseal]

My brother’s been with his new partner since around this time last year but due to distance we haven’t met yet.

We’re due to meet up over the bank holiday but other family members have met her and have her on social media.
I’ve noticed a few comments she’s added on a few posts relating to ND children implying she doesn’t believe in ND and it’s just bad parenting/ excuses etc.

Not only is my own daughter ND but so is my nephew who is my brothers son that she’s now in a relationship with.
I’m really not looking forward to meeting her in person and introducing her to my daughter if that’s her attitude and feel quite sorry for my nephew that she’s so misunderstanding of his condition.
My brother seems to think she’s the bees knees and hangs off her every word so I’m not counting on him standing up for his niece or his son.
I’m really uncomfortable about meeting her now knowing her views and not sure if I should.

Meet her.
Decide if you like her.

No, you cant make a whole judgement off social media alone. Need to meet her.

I find it distasteful and uncomfortable that there is this growing trend for people to be judged before they've even had a chance to present themselves.

She has presented herself already - via her comments.

She either genuinely believes what she has posted, or she was drunk when she posted - neither of which is great.

If she rows back and apologises sincerely - fair enough. But if I was in OP’s situation I would make sure she knew I had seen those comments and I would make sure my DN’s mother knows about them as well.

Like the girlfriend is doing of ND kids?

Yeah, its really crap!

Agree and if you make it known you don't like her you will.loose your brother so if that's what you want go ahead.
It's not about you
Think of your brother happiness and the potential fallout there could be.

I’ve never met Lee Anderson but I’ve formed a pretty solid judgement of him based on his social media posts.

If someone was posting endlessly racist things for example, and I wasn’t a racist, I wouldn’t want to give them a chance in real life either. The OP is right to think her social media posts on ND children reflect her thoughts in real life.

It’s not about me no, it’s about my nephew and my daughter.

I agree that she is awful

But you will be made to look silly if you dont appear to give her a fair chance when you meet her.

I would speak about your nd child and nephew and make a comment about how proud you are of them, politely, in front of everyone, and then be super nice

Your brother isnt ditching her over her social media comments, which she will just explain away

But yanbu to dislike her, I also dislike her 😒😄 x

Do you chat much to your brother?

Does he hold the same views (hard to believe but could he be a bit in denial?)

Could you ask in a general way how she gets along with Nephew?

Do you and new GF follow each other on Social Media? ie would it have been normal for you to see her post.. if it is perhaps you could very tentatively mention... along the lines of is she learning a lot of about ND through being with you and nephew?

At the end of the day I guess you can't really tell until you meet her and have a chance to talk to her.

Could you do that without your DD being present? Maybe meet them both for coffee somewhere neutral.

So people have decided they don’t like this woman based on 0 knowledge of her what so ever other than the fact that the OP has said her comments imply that she doesn’t believe in ND.

People haven’t even seen the comments yet and already they’ve decided they don’t like her?

Interpretation is everything.

The reality is that there is a trend now to diagnose everyone as ND. Nobody is responsible for their behaviour any more, it all is put down to ND. And that IMO needs discussing.

But of course if you are the parent of a genuinely neurodiverse child then it could look as if people are saying they don’t believe in neurodiversity. For instance.

I don’t know what comments this woman has made, but there would be a difference between saying “so everyone is neurodiverse now?” And “of course autism doesn’t exist.”

There are blatant comments someone can judge someone on, and then there are inferred comments, and that’s more difficult, because the screen does not convey genuine feeling sometimes.

So unless she’s out and out come out and said she doesn’t believe ND exists and she hates all children with alleged ND, it’s impossible to judge.

A friend used to post this crap, autism was just poor parenting. She backed up her posts in real life thinking nothing of telling parents of autistic children (including me) that it was due to parenting.

Her ds later got a diagnosis of autism and apparently her views changed quite quickly (I had blocked her by then).

It's not just distasteful - it bodes really badly for society and it is happening more and more. ( I obviously don't mean racism on SM )

How the hell can you dislike somebody for social media posts when you haven't even met them?
What sort of bat shit world do we now live in?

I think all you can do is meet her and to keep an open mind. It’s hard to judge someone from how they write (MN a good example). Some people write very eloquently and it can be an accurate and genuine reflection of who
they are. But some people have zero ability to express themselves in writing and the person you meet is nothing like their written/online persona.

Sounds like she doesn't understand neurodiversity, and that's not unusual.
No doubt your brother will explain things about his son's condition to her. When you know her better you could send her links to relevant articles, if you think she's be interested in understanding more.

Racism isn’t worse than ableism, they are both disgusting and discriminating towards a minority.

Just talk to her.
By not liking her based on non contextualized comments, you limit the chance of getting to know each other, and if you get to know each other then that is an opportunity to enlighten her.

Why does the default have to be that she's unpleasant just because she says something you disagree with? You're perfectly capable of rational and friendly discussion, you are each made of a wide range of opinions, and it's really limiting to you in life if you'll only accept people on a concensus basis.
Just talk to her.

Before our children were diognosed, we and the grandparents did not have experience with the world of ND, did not understand it and did have a view that it was probably parenting issues for the vast majority of cases. How wrong we were, learning and leaning into this world has been a full, challenging and wonderful journey.
We now realise that the ND traits run through the generations (that we are ND ourselves) and it took a while for us to all get on board but as a family we now understand adhd and autism and what it means for our children and for us.
I think all you can do is meet her without predudice. Steer clear of the ND conversation for the first meeting and see if you like her generally. Then if she becomes more a part of your life it will be a process of her learning and going through a process of understanding and rethinking what she thinks she knows, if she is a decent person otherwise then she will gradually start to become part of the ND world and understand the challenges and wonders of parenting ND children.

Anyone else click on this based on the headline just to see if they would recognise themselves in the OP? 😂

But it is about OP's daughter and her nephew who are both ND. Her brother's girlfriend sounds ignorant and unpleasant. If she needs to lose a relationship with her brother to protect her child, so be it.

Seriously?!!!

If your child is ND you are supposed to have a rational and friendly discussion with a person of your own generation making very concerning comments?

I would accept that a very elderly person might have ignorant views and patiently explain why they are problematic. In the early 80s I explained to my elderly DGM why it was not acceptable to use the N word to describe a certain shade of brown sewing cotton that had once been called that, apparently. She genuinely did not know why she shouldn’t use that word. She listened and said she now understood and as far as I’m aware never used the term again. I do not accept that the same patience is needed to explain this or similar issues to someone younger than me or my age. OP is right to be concerned that her DB is in a relationship with someone with appalling views who is happy to trumpet them on social media rather than quietly and sensitively ask questions.

Meet her and see how it goes. Even if your initial opinion is correct keep it to yourself and be polite for sake of brother.

She may have been referring to a particular person she knows who is using ND falsely rather than meaning all ND children. Or she may be open minded and learn from your dc/nephew.

Yes im sure Andrew Tate is a lovely, misunderstood young man! 🙄

You can totally make a judgement on someone's social media posts, they're clearly stating things they believe or they wouldnt be posting them for the world to see!!

🍪