Friendship worth salvaging ?

[roses2]

My very good friend has been going through a hard time for a few years now. In general she is scatterbrain but it seems to have got worse this year.

She asked if she could stay at my house whilst I was on holiday as she doesn't like where she lives. Whilst I was away she:

1. Disabled my security cameras
2. Left after 2 days but didn't tell me. My neighbour texted me to say the bins had been left out and she put them back so the house didn't look unoccupied
3. Left my back bedroom window wide open (terraced house, not accessible from back)
4. Left front bedroom accessible windows unlocked

So security disabled and windows left unlocked for the two weeks I was away.

There is a whole lot of other smaller things but these are the two major points.

She sent a message when I was back and asked if I found everything ok and I replied more or less although she had left the windows unlocked. And I got back a tiraed of messages telling me to chill out and nothing happened. No apology.

I am more p### off at her lax attitude and am fuming at her response. I know she is going through a hard time but really?

Would you cut her off?

No, but I would never let her stay at my house again.

I wouldn't cut her off but I would tell her that what she did was unacceptable. If she cannot accept this and apologise I would say that I could not get past it as it was extremely disrespectful.

Yes OP I’d cut her off

I'd be massively reducing contact.

The fact that she doesn't care that something could've happened shows how self absorbed she is right now. I get it. When you're going through a hard time, it's hard to think of others but it doesn't make it right.

Is she at least trying to sort herself (hard time) out or just wallowing? That would make the difference in my decision.

What happened to the security cameras? Was it accidental? Did she know she disabled them?

Has she still not told you she was only there for two days?

Windows unlocked possibly not ideal but I think this is person dependent as I imagine a lot of people wouldn’t see the problem. Same with back window. I definitely wouldn’t leave a back window wide open but some people wouldn’t see the problem.

Well, what she did was pretty shit and shows a total lack of respect for your property. Almost to the point that it seems intentional.

a profuse apology from her and I’d move on. No harm done.

But she hasn’t apologised.

I wouldn’t ‘fall out’ with her, but I’d be very wary around her. I just don’t think she is your friend.

while you could see it as a small thing, it reveals a lot about what she thinks of you and the friendship.

i also suspect she’s slightly envious and of your home?

I don't think this is about 'cutting off your friend' although I understand the temptation. I'd be asking 'What is going on here?' Obviously what she did was unacceptable and scary and she should have apologised profusely.
Is there some major stress going on in her life? Is she ill? What else is happening that might make her behave so irrationally? Quite worrying behaviour on many counts.

Well you know not to let her stay in your house again. Not worth cutting her off though

Yes nothing happened but if you had been burgled, because the alarm was disabled and windows left unlocked, your insurance would have been completely void!!

”Cutting off” sounds a tad dramatic but honestly I couldn't be doing with this flakey bullshit. Life’s too short.

Wow. Cut off a friend who made a couple of relatively minor mistakes and who you say has had a hard time recently. Sounds harsh, judgemental and needlessly draconian.

Sounds like she was setting you up for a break in mate.

How good a friend is she and how much of a hard time is she having. I can see someone being so stuck in their own stuff that they forget basic functioning, like closing windows etc and then being embarrassed and doubling down on the 'it's not a big deal'. If she was a close enough friend to stay in my home I'd want to have a sit down with her, and acknowledge how worried I was about her using the security stuff as an example of her not managing day to day. If she wasn't close enough for that kind of conversation, she wouldn't have been staying in my house.

She is a very good friend and is really struggling. I just wanted her to accept responsibility and apologise instead of her telling me I'm overreacting.

And absolutely no way will she ever house sit for me again. This was a favour I did for her, I didn't need or want a house sitter.

But I do think I need to distance myself for a while as her attitude is really off.

This was my first thought too

You can still be friends with her if it's worth it, but do not have her to stay in your house again.

?

What major stress causes someone to be this rude over text when confronted about their poor behaviour? Having a major stress is not relevant to this situation at all. She invited herself to ops house and the chill text is not an indicator of the friend having some major issue. Shes rude and entitled.

I have no idea but if a friend usually behaved one way helpful/kind/rational/whatever and then did this, personally I’d be digging a bit deeper.

This is the best advice I think thank you. Will still speak to her, have dinner etc but no chance in hell she will ever stay in my home again whilst I am away.

I wouldn't cut her off but I wouldn't be letting her stay at my house again.

She sent me a message last night why haven't I asked her how she is as she is really upset about her recent break up.

I'm at a loss what to do. I don't want to loose her as a friend and clearly she needs support but her behaviour was so disrespectful and I don't want to be her punching bag.

How recent is the break up? Was it a marriage/long term relationship? It’s still no excuse for her poor behaviour mind you.

The breakup was a few weeks ago and was a volatile relationship although it was a rebound relationship from a previous abusive relationship. She seems to be on a self destruct path at the moment which explains her behaviour towards me.

I'd be tempted to reply "why haven't you apologised for leaving my house wide open to be robbed? I'm really upset about that"...

I think you need to have it out with her otherwise the resentment will fester and the friendship will be over anyway.

If this is a one way friendship where you're supposed to support her and meet all her emotional needs while she ignores your feelings and expects you to be her therapist than do you really want this friendship anyway?

Well even though she is the victim in the abusive relationships she is choosing them which points towards her not being in great shape herself mentally.

She's now having a go at you for not being concerned enough. She hasn't thanked you for the favour you did her. She hasn't apologised for the security risk.

Why did she leave after two days? Drugs, revisiting things with her ex, jealous of your lifestyle, a problem that needed to be dealt with or something else? Have you asked her?

In response to whether you should cut her off, that depends on a million other things - is this poor appreciation of you a pattern or entirely out of character? Are you friends with her out of duty or because she enhances your life?