Friendship worth salvaging ?

[roses2]

My very good friend has been going through a hard time for a few years now. In general she is scatterbrain but it seems to have got worse this year.

She asked if she could stay at my house whilst I was on holiday as she doesn't like where she lives. Whilst I was away she:

1. Disabled my security cameras
2. Left after 2 days but didn't tell me. My neighbour texted me to say the bins had been left out and she put them back so the house didn't look unoccupied
3. Left my back bedroom window wide open (terraced house, not accessible from back)
4. Left front bedroom accessible windows unlocked

So security disabled and windows left unlocked for the two weeks I was away.

There is a whole lot of other smaller things but these are the two major points.

She sent a message when I was back and asked if I found everything ok and I replied more or less although she had left the windows unlocked. And I got back a tiraed of messages telling me to chill out and nothing happened. No apology.

I am more p### off at her lax attitude and am fuming at her response. I know she is going through a hard time but really?

Would you cut her off?

This! Why did she disable the security cameras? It sounds quite deliberate. If she has just forgotten to close or lock a window I’d be a bit irritated but would get over it. But this sounds like a set up. Have you checked to see if you’re missing anything?

I think she sounds like a bit of a selfish drama queen and I would be tempted to point out a few home truths- “To be honest Sarah I’ve been taking a bit of time to reflect as I thought you were out of order about how you treated my house and your reaction afterwards.” See what she says. If she’s just using you for free digs or therapy fine to take a step back. If she’s sorry and realises she’s been out of order give her the benefit of the doubt but definitely re-establish some boundaries.

Its not about the mistakes. Its the dont give a fuck dismissive attitude afterwards

I just thought I would post an update to this. I knew her response was out of character so I invited her over for dinner last night. Turns out her partner physically assaulted her a few weeks ago which explains a lot. She has left the partner now.

Doesn’t make leaving leaving my house unsecured ok and she won’t be staying here again but at least I can support her in the right way now rather than give her more stress by complaining about how she voided my home insurance.

I would seriously be asking myself why they disabled your security cameras I'm sorry but that is really really dodgy.

This!!! Is she was escaping an abusive partner she’d want them on surely? I think you’re not being told the full story. She’s told you the right thing to get you to go back to being sympathetic and trying to help her and stop mentioning her awful treatment if you, how very convenient for her. I’d be keeping her at arms length.

I agree with you there it definitely sounds like they are trying to gain your sympathy and also this poster is very right if they were trying to escape an abusive partner they would not disabled the cameras and certainly would not leave the windows open.

No I don’t think she was setting me up for a robbery. Surely this would have been done whilst I was away??

there is nothing worth stealing in the house anyhow. The tv is 10 years old, no jewellery, laptops and tablets came with us on holiday. Any robber would be very disappointed if they came to my house.

So if she was escaping a violent relationship why disable your cameras and leave the window open? It doesn't make sense

With cameras disabled, how do you know she hasn’t invited someone to your house, like a random fling from a dating site/ex partner/a mate for drinking session? There is a reason why she disabled them, because she was going to or did something she doesn’t want you to know about. And with her being self destructive that is a real possibility.

I’d be keen to find out from neighbours about what was going on in your place whilst you were away.

Leaving windows open was careless and she has form for that. Before she stayed she reassured me it wouldn't happen so I trusted her but I won't be trusting her again.

Ref cameras she said she didn't like the feeling of being watched. Many people feel like this.

You seem to feel like she has no agency and is a victim of circumstance, rather than an adult who has now chosen at least two abusive partners. You seem to be excusing her complete lack of respect for your home's safety. Even if you accept her reason for turning off the security cameras, do you really think it's okay that she didn't tell you, or switch them on before leaving? On they outside it's hard to fathom why her being in another abusive relationship means that you are setting your own (entirely reasonable) needs aside. It actually sounds like when an adult tries to talk to a young child about their behaviour, and the child starts crying to garner sympathy and try to change the subject.

I'm not ok with how she treated my house, she won't be staying here again and I already told her off. Me hammering in repeatedly that her behaviour and her reaction afterwards was unacceptable will just make both of us feel worse. She's got the message that I am upset and now I will support her through her issues (whilst being careful not become her 24/7 therapist).

Good luck op your going to need it.

You are right a d I personally feel like op is being manipulated but if op is not willing to open her eyes there's nothing we can do.

I think it was the friend's disrespectful reaction to being challenged just as much as the mistakes.

The so called friend turned off the CCTV you do not do that in someone else's house when they have been kind enough to let you stay whether you like being watched or not!

Why do so many jump straight to cutting a friend off ?

You're doing the right thing OP!

Support her as a friend but don't be her therapist.
Don't allow her to stay in your house again but drop the subject of how she jeopardised your security - there is nothing to be gained from bringing it up again.

You're a good friend but not a doormat. Well done.