How would your husband react to this way of attempting intimacy?

[Klarr]

Dh, kids and I are on holiday with my sister, her husband and children. It’s been lovely. Villa abroad. The kids occupy themselves and the adults get to lounge around the pool/play tennis/take it in turns to go out and about. No one is stressed as it’s pretty easy and relaxed.

Anyway, today I saw DH being really great with the kids - he just sorted everyone out today with breakfast and making sure the kids had all the stuff they needed for today’s big activity. We were ahead of schedule and just milling around.

I was just wanting to show my dh some affection if you know what I mean. So to get a bit of privacy in the bedroom I told dh his mum (who lives abroad to us all) was FaceTimeing on the kids tablet in our room and I couldn’t bring it to him as it was low battery and needing charging. Anyway, he got really annoyed and rejected me when he found out I was making the phone call up and just trying to get a few mins with him alone. Am I crazy that most men would not care AT ALL that I white lied in this scenario.

We moved past it but I just feel really rejected

I think that’s an odd way of going about it. Why not just give him a look and a small head tilt towards the bedroom? My DH would have to prepare himself a bit to talk to his mum - it would definitely quash any romantic feelings!

I don't think my OH would have recognised it as an "attempt at intimacy". And even if he did, any mention of his mother would have killed the moment.
I probably would have just whispered in his ear "fancy a quickie?"

Also, he just may not have been up for it. I don't feel bad for rejecting my OH's advances when I'm not in the mood, and vice versa.

rattling door handles kind of kill the mood though, I’d be saying no thanks too 😆

I wouldn't like it, personally. I'd feel pressurised and would have preferred a direct question about whether I wanted sex. I think my dp would feel the same.

Men and women are not as different as Mumsnet seems to think. When women say no to their husband and the husband then seems hurt or rejected, everyone tells you he's being a dickhead, pressuring you, can't expect you to be up for it all the time, should have tried to set the mood, etc etc.

I think plenty of people, whether male or female, would find it deeply unsexy to be summoned to a bedroom to talk to their mother and then be expected to have a shag instead, especially when they'd been doing parenting stuff all morning. Honestly, he really shouldn't be expected to act like sex is a gift you bestow upon him as a treat for good behaviour and for which he should be grateful.

Also, maybe he just felt under sudden pressure to 'perform' when he wasn't even remotely in the mood. You say he'd been busy with the kids, sorting things out etc. He was in 'dad' mode and was probably knackered. Or maybe he had a wank in the shower that morning and just wasn't up for it. And then he probably felt embarrassed and awkward because he didn't feel like it. There's this weird idea (especially on Mumsnet) that men are somehow ungrateful or even less manly if they turn down any offer of sex from their partner so if men don't want it they then react by getting all defensive.

I’m certainly not saying “he is a man, I offered sex therefore he is obliged to reciprocate”. Not at all. I will turn down DH when I’m not in the mood. He is entitled to do the same.

I just thought him not being interested on account of a white lie was a little weird

Maybe he’s waiting to hear from his mum about something important. As white lies go, it wasn’t the best. Next time say you need help opening a drawer or something 😭

My dh would have been confused about the lie to get him there rather than just suggesting it but then been up for it. Would have then probably ended up as a joke where everytime I told him there was a call he was about to get some.

I do admit mentioning his mum prob didn’t help the mood nothing less sexy. Probably something more behind the scenes if his so mad about it or he just really really didn’t want sex so using the lie as an excuse to reject you without hurting you in his eyes.

That probably would have annoyed me as well, and honestly, I couldn't really tell you why.

I don't really mind a little white lie occasionally. For instance, DP feels really guilty if she has a lazy day, whereas I couldn't care less if she has. If DP fancies a day at home doing absolutely bugger all and then makes up a load of bollocks to assuage her own guilt, then it wouldn't bother me.

But I don't like a white lie when its to try and get me to do something, even if the thing is something I'll enjoy. For instance, DP organised something fun for me a few years ago for my birthday. To get me out of the house, she told me we'd be doing something else, still fun but nowhere near as good as what we actually ended up doing. And yet, I ended up not really enjoying it because I spent all day annoyed at being tricked. (I hid it well I think). I'd have much rather not had the surprise, and had DP be upfront about what we were doing.

I think I'd feel the same in the situation you describe @Klarr . I've been told to go somewhere for something specific, and then had something else sprung on me instead. Even though I'd like sex, I'm now stuck with this simmering annoyance at being tricked.

Imagine next time his mum really is on the facetime… and he runs in stripping down thinking it’s OP’s code 😂

😂

You got horny because he was looking after his children? Bloody hell, are you constantly shagging/‘facetiming’?!

Quite.

Yeah I mean DH would never turn down the opportunity of a quickie (neither would I!) but if we were in a villa with a load of adults and kids "milling around" then he'd probably (and quite rightly) think it was a bit inappropriate!

That was so weird. Even if his DM had been FaceTiming the kids, wouldn't he have wanted to say hello to her at the same time? Or if she speaks to the kids and then says (knowing you were expecting her to call then) "Can you just put your Dad/Mum on for a minute - I need to ask him/her something quickly?" - and then the kids come banging on your door whilst you're mid-tumble?!

I really don't think it's respectful or helpful to anybody to just treat men as ever-up-for-it randy rabbits and just deceive them into the promise/possibility of sex (which I understand they obviously can fully choose whether or not to agree to).

If you want to engage in a bit of role-play, absolutely great; but you both need to be in on it.

I still don't see why the need for a ruse pointlessly involving his mother. You didn't have to issue him with a written invitation proposing a session of sexual intercourse; you could very easily have just winked at him and said "I could do with some... help with something... in the bedroom..." and let him respond knowing the score, without the need for any weird mum-based seduction themes <boak>.

If my mum called while we were on holiday I'd be expecting bad news, so I'd be recovering from a fright.

I can't think why you didn't just say why you wanted him in the bedroom, even if you used a euphemism.

I wouldn't call it spontaneous

I'd call involving his mother in a 'let's have sex' chat, REALLY weird

What a weird thing to do, why would you involve his mother? It’s enough to turn anyone off.

I think its a weird way to do it. It kind of kills the mood thinking you are just about to speak to your mum then suddenly it turns out to be that you are going to be having sex 😂 wouldnt like this tactic used on me. I would have gone for a suttle whisper in the ear, or a cheeky text, or saying please can you come and check something for me with a wink.. not the mum thing😂it would put me in the wrong mood entirely.

Exactly this, what a bloody turn off!!

A horrible combination of

• talk of mother
• something to do with the kids
• technology not working, having to fix something

Excellent precursor to sex.

I’d never mention MIL before getting freaky if I’m honest… but since we have young children he would probs still jump at the chance.

“I need your cock, now”

vs

”Your mother is on the phone”

Which one gets the guy ?

I feel like I'm missing something. Did you actually feel horny yourself or were you going to offer sex as a reward to show appreciation for his feats in dad-mode?

I'd find that really odd and pressured if my DH did that to me tbf..
It's just a bit underhand. I mean it's not a massive deal but I'd wonder why he felt the need to lie and how often he was doing that to get what he wanted in general.
It would be a mood killer for me.
What's wrong with just saying 'can we spend some time alone together?'

I’d have been on you before you’d finished your sentence if I’m being perfectly truthful.